February 1, 2015

Snacking experts predict jalapeño popper dip to win Super Bowl

A slight majority of snacking experts are picking the jalapeño popper dip to beat the pepperoni Alfredo pizza dip in the Super Bowl. The spice-infused creamy-gooey tortilla chip enhancement vehicle comes into the game as a two-point snacking favorite. While the pepperoni Alfredo pizza dip had a dominant run toward the end of the season during John's AFC title game party, the jalapeño popper dip is a favorite among those who enjoy crispy bacon enveloped in four cheeses with a buttery cracker crumb crust. "The pepperoni Alfredo pizza dip should not even be in this game," said one snacking professional. "The chicken and waffle sliders blew it and here we are. This will be over by the third bag of chips." Experts unanimously agreed that the vegetable tray will remain untouched until all other snack foods have been devoured.

January 30, 2015

Religious cult gathers to seek meteorological advice from groundhog

Hundreds of followers of a meteorological religious cult are gathering in Pennsylvania to seek counsel from a reclusive, medium-sized rodent.

The Church of the Groundhog has announced that a groundhog sage will soon emerge from a shadowy tunnel burrowed in the ground to prophesy the fate of winter.

In preparation for the unveiling of this seasonal doomsday oracle, the church is requesting that its members travel to the mid-Atlantic region or at least tune in to "Good Morning America" to participate in the religious ceremony that will take place Monday.

According to tales passed down from generation to generation, the groundhog will deliver its vision to the people after the sun has risen yonder to the east.

"We seek the wisdom of the mighty groundhog Punxsutawney Phil," said one devotee, his head bowed prostrate in reverence. "The ancients have foretold that our master will soon emerge from the bowels of the earth, clothed in wisdom. Even so, he will turn his gaze to the ground and usher in the age to come. We await the foreknowledge of the olden one."

Church members say that if Punxsutawney Phil notices his shadow, the earth will be tormented with six more weeks of winter. However, if the groundhog does not see his shadow, his followers will be granted mercy and spring will come early to the land, bestowing its warmer glories on the just and unjust alike.

"Once again, we beseech the groundhog to be unobservant, or for the morning to be particularly cloudy," said another adherent. "We implore the one who hibernates, let your vision be besought with a need for corrective lenses."

"In this final battle against the forces of winter, there are many agents of the axis of the earth being oriented away from the sun loosed upon us," said another devotee. "Do not be deceived with visions of sledding and snowmen. Cast away these false miracles and delight in the groundhog, as it lays death to frostbite."

January 29, 2015

Bates family weirdly one percent of Rocky Top's population

ROCKY TOP - A mother, father and their 19 children make up more than one percent of an East Tennessee town's population, according to a spokesperson for things that are pretty weird when you think about it. The Bates clan is featured on the UP Network reality series "Bringing Up Bates," which debuted earlier this month. The program records the adventures of one one-hundredth of an entire town's population. "Rocky Top had a population of 1,781 as of the 2010 census," said a spokesperson for Tennessee-based math word problems. "Even if you leave out the two Bates' children born after 2010, the family still manages to hold its own at more than one percent of the population. Throw in some grandkids and they could easily hit two or three percent. I can only imagine what would happen if they all moved to the Oak Ridge Mall."

January 27, 2015

East Tennesseans buy up bread and milk in show of solidarity with New England

Citizens of East Tennessee Monday purchased copious amounts of milk and bread to show support for those affected by a massive snow system in the Northeast. Hundreds of shoppers gathered in the aisles of Knoxville supermarkets to purchase loaves of white, wheat and even gluten free bread, and to fill their carts with gallons of milk. "We are all people who buy extra bread now," said one observer. "An area hundreds of miles from us is getting two or three feet of snow," said Knoxville resident Ken Bering. "So I bought some milk and bread just to show my support. And also to be on the safe side. You can never have enough bread where snow is concerned. Plus, I love milk sandwiches. I really do."

January 25, 2015

Satan not sure what to do with Tennessee school bus

Following news that a West Tennessee school district has added pentagrams to the taillights of its school buses, Satan Friday announced that he is not sure what to do with the large vehicles dedicated to student transport. A five-pointed star inscribed in a circle was discovered on a bus by a Tennessee mother earlier this week. "It's a school bus," said the king of the bottomless pit. "It's got children yelling and fighting and texting and forming social hierarchies on it. It's basically hell already. I guess I could see if the bus would sacrifice some goats to me or something, but that just seems so dramatic." Tennessee school districts are no stranger to Satanism controversies. In 2011, a Nashville school came under fire after it was revealed that the sounds of children being pummeled with dodge balls in gym class contained satanic messages when played backwards.

January 23, 2015

Explorers discover 100 block of Gay Street

An incredible finding has been made by a courageous band of urban explorers, who earlier this week stumbled upon a previously unknown block of Gay Street in downtown Knoxville. The entire city block was thought to be a legend for centuries.

The weary band of pioneers uncovered the distant land while exploring the 300 block region of Gay St. near the visitor's center. While staring through a looking glass off into the distance, one of the explorers noticed a vast structure with the word "Sterchi's" emblazoned on its exterior. The party decided to investigate further.

"I was like a little kid jumping up and down," said cartographer Michael Vespucci. "It's out here like an island, just drifting in a sea of concrete, ripe for hearty, intrepid adventures. It has restaurants and apartments and everything."

So far the team has found several incredible artifacts, including eateries, boutiques and retail shops, art galleries, residential lofts, park benches and even a massage studio. The newly discovered block is serviced by a trolley. There is even angled parking on a nearby bridge.

"It's right here, hidden in plain site on the other side of Summit Hill Drive by someone who thought it was a good idea to put a four lane street in the middle of a downtown," said fearless voyager Curtis de Soto. "Admittedly, when I'm shopping I love having to practically run across four lanes of traffic to get to the rest of the street I'm on because the crosswalk signal is so short. It's so separated from the rest of the street, it's almost like they don't even want people to know it's here."

The explorers plan to make a second voyage to the new land soon.

"The 100 block of Gay St. is so pristine," said Vespucci. "It's just sitting at the end of Gay St., like it's part of a fully functioning city. It's amazing that you can still make such an incredible find in the 21st century."

January 22, 2015

Area man waits in room of sick people to find out if he has flu

A Knoxville man Wednesday spent 30 minutes waiting in a room full of sniffling, sneezing, coughing, wheezing, aching sick people to find out if he has the flu now, or if he will come down with the virus sometime in the next three to five days. Alex Hama of West Knoxville visited a walk-in clinic yesterday evening after getting a headache and coming down with a low-grade fever. There he spent half an hour basking in a veritable germ hovel while he waited his turn to take a flu test. "Turns out I don't have the flu," said Hama. "At least not yet. Probably I'll have it in a few days though. They should really just hand out hazmat suits and Tamiflu at the front door of these establishments."

January 20, 2015

49ers reportedly considering being disappointed by Lane Kiffin

According to sources at the National Football League, the San Francisco 49ers are considering hiring Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin to disappoint them. Kiffin previously disappointed the Raiders in the 2007 and 2008 seasons before he was fired for a 5-15 record. He went on to disappoint the University of Tennessee by leaving the Volunteers after a single season for USC, where he disappointed the Trojans for four seasons before he was fired in 2013 following a loss to Arizona State. He has currently remarkably managed not to disappoint Alabama yet, but give him time. "Lane Kiffin is a serious talent when it comes to frustrating and disillusioning fans, players and athletic departments," said one sports analyst. "This could be a good move for San Francisco if they are looking to regret this decision in the next one to four years."

January 18, 2015

KPD: Close call at traffic light demonstrates importance of banning cars

A video of a motorist running a red light and nearly running over several pedestrians on Henley Street has prompted city officials to call for a ban on automobiles. Officials say the multi-ton wheeled death boxes are currently available for just about any fool to operate provided the user first passes a written exam and road exam. "Red light cameras make us safer, for sure, except in cities like Chicago where they have increased injuries in rear-end collisions by 22 percent," said Knoxville director of cherry picking statistics Peggy Abston."Or we could increase yellow light times by two or three seconds, or ban left hand turns, both of which have been proven to increase road safety. But I think the real solution is just to get rid of cars. Those things are dangerous as hell."

January 16, 2015

Great Smoky Mountains National Park moves indoors for winter

Even though the winter months usually decrease visits to the Great Smokey Mountains National Park, that doesn't mean tourists have to stop coming completely. Rangers from the most popular national park in the country are bringing the World Heritage Site's animals, plants, trails, camp sites and other features indoors for the cold months.

The Smokies will continue to be open each day, but inside a massive log cabin built specifically to house the entire park during the winter.

Park officials say the move is designed to make visiting more comfortable for pushovers who can't handle the cold.

"It would be great to have the park outside all year around, but it's kind of chilly, so we have to deal with that," said one white-tailed deer. "It's nice to have the bears hibernating though. Those things scare me, if you want to know the truth."

According to a resident northern flying squirrel, the move has been a challenge, but one that has been well worth it due to inside being much warmer than outside.

"It wasn't easy to get Mount Le Conte inside a building," said the squirrel. "It's pretty heavy. We had to get the guys from Two Men and a Truck out here. They really do a great job."

Tourists say they welcome the chance to visit a national park that isn't so dang cold.

"It will be great to go camping indoors," said Alabama tourist Judd Burris. "I suppose it will be basically like sleeping on the floor at home. But I'm the adventurous type, so I'm going to give it a try."

Others say they don't understand this cold weather East Tennessee residents are talking about.

"I don't really get the fuss," said Michigan resident Darla Jensen. "It's like a tropical paradise down here. I'm down to just one coat and a single pair of pants. I'm going to buy some of this weather in the gift shop and take it back with me."

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