May 27, 2016
A group of scientists this week warned that 10 percent of the world's Internet population is consuming some 80 percent of its capital letter resources.
That's the estimated toll the wealthiest populations on the globe are taking from the alphabet's natural bounty to sustain their Internet and social media comments.
In the United States alone, every man, woman and child are collectively responsible for the consumption of about 30 raw tons of uppercase letters each year, says Gerry Huska of the World Capital Letters Institute.
Americans, who account for only about four percent of the world's population, operate a staggering 70 percent of its capital letters.
Human rights groups are calling for U.S. Internet users to use capital letters more responsibly.
"This is a social justice issue," said alphabet activist Kim Demers. "There are only so many uppercase letters to go around. Once they're gone, they're gone forever."
Experts say that while the world's capital letter reserves are not immediately in danger, population growth in the coming decades will lead to greater demand.
"As other countries continue to expand their economies, we are going to see increased competition for uppercase text," said Huska. "Ultimately this could lead to serious conflicts between nations."
Other countries have asked the U.S. to go easy on the all caps button.
"Save some capital letters for the rest of us," said Canadian Mason Bergeron. "I mean, I don't know why we would want to use them, except at the beginning of sentences and to distinguish proper nouns. Certainly we wouldn't use them to type entire sentences. That would make us look like a complete lunatics."
But some Americans have said they will only give up their capital letters when you pry them from their cold, dead fingertips.
"THIS IS SO TYPICAL OF YOU POLITICALLY CORRECT EAST COAST ELITES," hunt and pecked Jerry Roberts. "IF YOU DON'T LIKE CAPITAL LETTERS, MOVE TO THE COMMENTS SECTION OF ANOTHER ARTICLE."
May 26, 2016
The owner of four tiny houses in the Knoxville area upgraded her property to a hotel today, sources said. Ashley Brahm is a participant in the small home movement, a trend that advocates living in tiny homes sized between 100 and 400 square feet. This week, however, the 31-year-old real estate mogul announced she had traded in her four small, green plastic houses for a tiny red hotel. Brahm told reporters the hotel on Indiana Ave. will allow her to collect $1,050 in rent each time an unsuspecting shoe or wheelbarrow lands there. "I don't care about tiny living anymore," she said. "In a few turns I'm going to crush my opponents." Brahm said she hasn't been this happy since she won $10 for second prize in a beauty contest.
May 24, 2016
An East Tennessee road sign proudly proclaiming a school's 1989 state sporting championship is increasingly just making everyone uncomfortable. Originally installed as a monument to a local school's glorious post-season performance, the sign is now a constant reminder of 27 years of welp, maybe next year. "It's like we haven't had a noteworthy accomplishment since the 20th century," said passerby Ben Kaiser. "I get that enough from my mom at Thanksgiving, but at least she's nice enough to be passive-aggressive about it." The sign told reporters it hopes a gust of wind will blow it over. "My face is red all the time," said the prominently displayed elephant in the room. "I haven't felt this awkward since I watched two introverts have a conversation."
May 22, 2016
A large group of young Parisian bullies savagely assaulted a red helium balloon in Knoxville Monday. The sentient balloon was spotted following a young boy who was running unsupervised through the streets of the city. Witnesses said the gang of children appeared to be jealous of the red balloon and attacked it with slingshots. "It seems like a weird thing to be envious about," said bystander Cinthia Creighton. "I mean, an iPad or an Xbox I can see. But it was just a balloon that was sort of alive." "Why is this kid even running around the city all by himself," added Keith Anderson. "That balloon is not going to protect him if he gets in trouble. Obviously. It couldn't even fend off a gang of schoolchildren. And why are a bunch of kids from France running around town? This remake makes no sense."
May 20, 2016
In an attempt to keep the Olympics relevant in the 21st century, this year's Summer Games will feature competition in a new sport: adulting.
Adulting will join golf, rugby and texting while driving as additions to the 2016 games by the International Olympic Committee.
Adulting will feature 26 mini events, including getting yourself to work before 9 a.m., opening the mail and paying the phone bill, and cooking a meal that didn't come in a box on top of the stove. Both men and women will compete for adulting's greatest recognition: the gold medal.
For adulting, being added to the Olympics was a landmark victory, one supported by many of the sports' top professionals.
"I think it's just an unbelievable day for adulting," said professional person who is in his 20s and acts like it Travis Lemery. "The impact is going to be felt all across the world. Adulting is a mature game in many countries, but it hasn't had the opportunity to take off in others. People of all walks of life will be inspired as they have to get out of bed and put on pants in order to compete for the gold."
"Adulting is a challenging sport with a lot of nuance," added Greta Auken, a Knoxville-based amateur adult. "You have to make small talk with people you don't like. You have to make hard decisions. You have to return phone calls and sign things and spend Saturday mornings buying home improvement supplies. Not everyone is cut out for it. I barely am."
But not everyone is pleased by adulting's addition to the Olympics. Some say there are not enough people adulting to make it a fair competition. Others say adulting is boring to watch.
"Golf is going to be dull enough," said Olympics' fan Michele Ryals. "And now I have to watch someone compete in the 100 meter conversation about setting healthy boundaries? Gag me with a spoon."
May 18, 2016
Netflix officially announced today that it will not be reviving "A Minute with Stan Hooper." The unpopular Fox series starred Norm Macdonald as Stan Hooper, a character America was only willing to feign interest in for six episodes. "We are proud to announce that we will not be reviving this short-lived series," said Netflix director of nostalgia Raymond Hart. "Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out how 'Fuller House' snuck through." "A Minute with Stan Hooper" is not the only show a network greenlit for some reason that Neflix won't be bringing back from the dead. The streaming service announced it will not be reviving "Weird Loners," "The Goodwin Games," Celebrity Boxing," "Life on a Stick," "Ryan Caulfield: Year One," "Past Life," "Enlisted," "Greg the Bunny" or "Models Inc."
May 16, 2016
An East Tennessee parent operated by an overprotective interest in the life of her child crash-landed into another parent encouraging her child to function independently in accordance with his age of development. Miraculously the helicopter parent and the free-range parent both survived to collision. "It looked like the helicopter parent was trying to accompany her daughter to a job interview, and she just nose-dived right into a parent letting her children eat sticks in a cave off in the woods somewhere," said witness Vickie Ede. "It was very scary." Another eyewitness, Derek Carroll, said the helicopter parent wasn't even looking due to submitting her child's resume for her. Although there were no injuries, witnesses said all of the children involved will probably end up in therapy in the end.
May 15, 2016
Construction on controversy about bathrooms is set to begin on Market Square this week. City officials say the new dispute will break ground Monday. The finished result will be an easily accessible, full-fledged disagreement. "For a long time people who have wanted a place to have controversy about using the bathroom downtown have had to pretend to be customers of stores, or they've had to sneak into a hotel," said Old City resident Trevor Cordova. "But now we'll have this convenient new argument right here in the Market Square Parking Garage. This is just one of those controversies that a downtown really can't be without." The state-of-the-art quarrel will include diatribes about both panhandlers and transgender bathroom access. Construction on the hullabaloo is scheduled to finish in August.
May 13, 2016
When thousands of hungry biscuit connoisseurs descend on Knoxville for this weekend's annual International Biscuit Festival, they will be in for a treat. For the seventh straight year, the Tennessee River will be turned into sawmill gravy.
Festival organizers say they got the idea from Chicago's longstanding tradition of dyeing the Chicago River green for Saint Patrick's Day.
"If Chicago can pour green dye into their river for a day, we should be able to literally turn our river into a rich, creamy sauce of flour, sausage and fat," said craft gravy brewer Betty Lockett. "Ironically, it's healthier than the water that's in the river now."
The gravy is potable, non-toxic, and delicious, according to the City of Knoxville. The gravy used is environmentally friendly and has been approved by the Tennessee Department of Natural Resources.
Details of exactly how the river is turned to a gloriously edible shade of white and gray remains a closely guarded secret.
"I love turning the river to gravy, especially for the kids," said Knoxville mayor Madeline Roger. "I mean, the kids think Paula Deen or Dolly Parton does it. It's just fun to be out here celebrating our biscuits and gravy heritage."
Festivalgoers will also be able to raft down the gravy river in large biscuit boats, which they can later eat. Boat paddles are made from bacon.
"It's very important not to eat the biscuit until after the boat ride," said gravy lifeguard Kyle Cassady. "Drowning in gravy would be a good way to go out, but we don't really recommend it."
The Southern Willy Wonka-style river of gravy is just one of the Biscuit Festival's many attractions. Other popular events include burning the Pillsbury Doughboy in effigy in a preheated oven and batting cages where the baseballs are canned biscuits.
City officials said that by Sunday the Tennessee River will be back to its normal shade of murky.
May 12, 2016
Anheuser-Busch announced this week it will be calling its 12-oz. beverage cans and bottles "Water" this summer. The new logo will temporarily take the place of the word "Budweiser." The company said its goal is to "call its product what is basically is anyway." "It's a risky move," said southeast director of swallowing liquids Peter Collett. "On the one hand, Anheuser-Busch is drawing attention to its beer's many similarities with water. On the other hand, people appreciate it when you tell it like it is. And it is pretty similar to tap water." This is not the first time a beverage company has made a bold marketing decision. In 2009, Starbucks briefly called its signature product "We Just Got You To Pay $5 for Coffee."