January 20, 2017

35-year-old music fan recognizes six bands playing at Bonnaroo

According to a music fan born in 1981, only six bands playing at the 2017 Bonnaroo Music Festival are recognizable to him.

Prospective multi-stage rock and roll carnival attendee Grant Bowers reported that he could only identify Tegan & Sara, Cold War Kids, U2, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Chance the Rapper and The XX from a lineup of more than 100 musical acts.

The roster for Bonnaroo 2017 was announced on Jan. 11. The four-day concert will take place from Jun 8-11 on a 700-acre farm in Manchester, Tenn. This is the festival's 16th consecutive year.

"River Whyless?" said Bowers. "Rainbow Kitten Surprise? The Lemon Twigs? I'm not sure if these are new bands or if someone attacked my dictionary."

Bowers told reporters he also longs for the good old days when he could recognize at least two of the acts on a music magazine's best bands of the year list.

"I don't even know how to use Snapchat," said Bowers. "What am I even doing with my life?"

Bowers is not the only thirty-something to be baffled by the upcoming Bonnaroo's batch of musicians.

"This is so embarrassing," said Brittany Vickers of Knoxville, who now enjoys concerts in darkened theaters that feature chairs and start on time at 7 p.m. "I should know more of these bands. My name may be Brittany, but I'm still a Millennial. Has Generation Z already replaced us?"

"I haven't felt so old since I caught myself actually telling kids to get off my lawn," added Vickers. "I'm probably going to die soon."

Bonnaroo ticketholders showed little sympathy for the insufferably old music fans.

"Who exactly were you looking for?" said Nisel Patel of Oak Ridge. "Iron & Wine? Death Cab for Cutie? Jenny Lewis? This isn't 2007. Why don't you talk to me about it on your flip phone? Can you even see the tiny buttons, old man?"

January 19, 2017

Winter surrenders, officials say

A group of rebel fighters from the season of winter surrendered themselves and their cold fronts to the authorities Wednesday as part of a reconciliation agreement. According to weather officials, the rebels will be eligible for amnesty as part of a deal made with summer authorities. The rebel forces have been in hiding since an attack nearly two weeks ago that produced a couple of inches of snow, caused school closures, and prompted East Tennesseans to purchase oddly excessive amounts of milk and bread. Summer said the rebels have been on the run ever since. "Yesterday summer was taunting us with ice cream trucks driving around the Parkridge and Fourth and Gill neighborhoods," winter rebels said. "We just don't have the arsenal to compete with that."

January 17, 2017

Major League Baseball ending due to millennial attention spans

Following reports last week that the NBA may shorten games due to the attention spans of millennials, Major League Baseball announced today that it will be ending for the same reason. Baseball is a sport in which people hit a ball with a stick and then run around in a circle. Games reportedly last for a really long time. "Not even players with beards have been able to make the sport more exciting," said Commissioner of Baseball Rob Manfred. "You'd think that a sport where people wield clubs would be more entertaining." Manfred added that he was glad the Cubs could finally pull it off before America gave up on the sport. The nation's schools announced they will also be ending due to a lack of focus from students.

January 15, 2017

Tennessee lawmaker releases list of foods poor people allowed to eat

A Tennessee lawmaker has introduced legislation listing what foods low income residents are allowed to eat. Rep. Sheila Butt of Columbia said that as a taxpayer she should be allowed to decide what items food stamp recipients may consume. "Foods such as ice cream, cake, candy and soda have no nutritional value, so those are out," Butt said in a statement. "On the other hand, meats and most fruits and vegetables are too expensive. Herbs and spices are luxury items. Really there are only a handful of items that should be permissible. So far I've decided to approve spaghetti without sauce, eggs, beans and kiwi." Butt, a Republican who favors keeping the government out of people's lives, also has a list of acceptable items low income Tennesseans are allowed to have in their homes.

January 13, 2017

East Tennessee unveils weather that goes from 0-60 in 2.3 hours

Meteorological startup East Tennessee has unveiled new weather capable of accelerating in temperature from 0 to 60 degrees in 2.3 hours.

The company showcased its new product in a video at the Unpredictable Weather Show in Knoxville on Wednesday.

"This weather represents an innovative step for the meteorological industry, a new class of conditions that combines the shivering of scraping ice and snow off your windshield on Monday morning with the wearing of shorts and flip-flops a little later on Monday morning," said Hunter Tungate, a spokesperson for East Tennessee. "You might even get a tornado or a flash flood in there somewhere just for fun."

Tungate touted the weather's ability to have people change outfits at least five times in a single day.

"Just think, you could need to rake leaves in your Uggs and enjoy a pumpkin spice latte in the afternoon and then slather on sunscreen a couple of hours later for the pool," he said. "And after dinner you could be emptying the knee-deep rainwater out of your basement."

East Tennessee said the new weather is in beta testing. The company hopes to have the new conditions on the market later this year.

Meteorology experts say the new product could revolutionize the industry.

"East Tennesseans used to have to wait a full six hours to go from taking pictures of their decks covered in snow to sunbathing on those same decks," said East Tennessee meteorologist Tanisha Mitchell. "With this innovative new weather technology people can experience all that before lunchtime. Hopefully they'll get to take some deck hail pics, too."

Members of the public invited to the Unpredictable Weather Show said they can't wait to try out the new weather for themselves.

"I'm looking forward to taking it for a test drive," said South Knoxville resident Katelyn Gaska. "With a little luck Knox County Schools will preemptively close due to inclement weather 20 percent more often."

January 12, 2017

West Knoxville bike route not fooling anybody

A biking symbol painted on a roadway on a busy West Knoxville street is not fooling anyone. Witnesses have reported seeing a bicycle painted on the street on North Winston Road adjacent to where the thoroughfare passes a busy shopping center before connecting to Kingston Pike. Avid cyclists just laughed and laughed. "I considered riding my bicycle down that street," said bicyclist Corey Ruiz. "But then I remembered that I like being alive. I wouldn't even ride on the sidewalk there." In 2015 Knoxville developed a Bicycle Facilities Plan to boost cycling infrastructure throughout the city. One of the blueprint's objectives is convincing people that riding unarmored vehicles with pedals in West Knoxville can be a thing. In the state of Tennessee bicycles have the same legal status as motor vehicles LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

January 10, 2017

U2 concert automatically preloaded to Bonnaroo 2017

Earlier this week, Irish rock band U2 announced that it would give tens of thousands of music fans its latest concert by automatically preloading it to their 2017 Bonnaroo Music Festival. Industry insiders cautioned the move could cause an uproar similar to Apple auto-uploading the band's "Songs of Innocence" album to iTunes libraries in 2014. "I still can't get that U2 album off my iPhone," said Knoxville music fan Emma Sawyer. "And now a U2 concert is going to be on my Bonnaroo? I'm going to have to get a restraining order against Bono." This is not the first time an artist has been preloaded to Bonnaroo. In 2014 Kanye West's ego was uploaded to the music festival, but it quickly grew beyond the bounds of Tennessee.

January 8, 2017

South not used to snow for 200th consecutive time

According to representatives for The South, the region is once again still not used to snow falling from the sky in the winter. The South explained that even though this snowy weather thing keeps happening every winter, they just don't have the resources to combat its menace. "We are just not used to getting around in this form of precipitation that occurs here one to five times every year," said The South spokesman Robert Bedford Anderson Jefferson Davis. "Besides, we have all these hills down here, unlike northern states like Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania and Maryland, which are all completely flat even though they are also part of the Appalachian Mountains." The South said it will dig out from the snow it received once Kentucky returns the region's only snowplow.

January 6, 2017

Knoxvillians flood streets to celebrate death of 2016

As news spread of the death of the year 2016, hundreds of Knoxvillians flooded the streets early Sunday morning to mark the demise of a 365-day period many viewed as really, really terrible.

The 2016th year of the Common Era was marked by numerous celebrity deaths, the worst presidential election ever and general abysmal awfulness. Knoxville residents could not hide their joy that the year that was is now isn't.

"Words just can't express how I feel inside," said Greg Davis, an East Knoxville resident. "Both of my parents died waiting for this day. And now I'm here to celebrate for them."

Davis was surrounded by hundreds of fellow East Tennesseans who rejoiced over the announcement on Market Square that 2016, at age one, had finally died.

Many shot off fireworks and downed alcoholic beverages. Others kissed one another and shouted until their voices were hoarse. All told, Knoxville is home to more than 185,000 people who did not care for 2016.

"Seriously 2016, you killed Alan Rickman, David Bowie, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Alan Thicke and Prince," said Ashley Tolbert. "Was the Cubs' World Series win just to lure us into your trap? 2016, you even took Robert Leo Hulseman, the inventor of the red Solo cup. Have you no decency?"

"The passing of 2016 marks the end of a long, horrifying chapter in America's history," added Ross Keenan. "This is a moment we have been waiting for for so long. Now we move forward towards hope, I hope."

Knoxville residents added that 2017 had better be on its best behavior.

"I almost had a panic attack last week when I saw Elton John's name trending on social media," said Elisa Callihan of Island Home Park. "Thank God he had just made the news for singing. Just to be safe I have Morgan Freeman and Paul McCartney safely hidden away in an underground bunker. 2017, you will not go near them. I am in no mood."

January 5, 2017

Knoxville makes list of worst cities for lightning bugs

According to extermination company Orkin Pest Control, Knoxville has again been named one of the worst cities in the nation for lightning bugs. The company's 2017 Top Lightning Bug Cities list put Knoxville at number six, up five spots from last year. Orkin said it comes up with the ranking based on how many kids they see running around the neighborhood at dusk in July with Mason jars. "Ugh, lightning bugs are the worst," said University of Tennessee entomologist Lacey Ross. "They get called 'fireflies' by people from California. Sometimes they all flash at the same time at Elkmont and there's a parking lottery. And they don't even generate enough electricity to power my home. Knock it off, blinky beetles."

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