July 29, 2014

City street discovered beneath election year signage

Scientists have discovered a massive East Tennessee street trapped beneath dozens of election year signs, a finding they say that could completely change the way Knoxvillians think about navigating traffic. According to a new study, published in the journal "Geology," the thoroughfare is entirely preserved and buried just beneath a massive layer of signs reading "Haslam," "Briggs," "Wimberly" and "Duncan." Scientists are hopeful the street can be unearthed by mid-November. "This just goes to show how little we really know about the surface of our own city," said University of Tennessee geologist Dana Louis. "For all we know, there are other streets like this out there, just waiting to be found beneath an unsightly barrage of red and blue Tennessee House of Representatives and Tennessee Senate election signs."

July 27, 2014

'Fifty Shades of Orange' trailer released

The highly anticipated trailer for the film adaptation of E.L. James' best-selling erotic sports novel "Fifty Shades of Orange" hit the Web this past week, sending fans of the Tennessee Volunteers into a frenzy. The movie, directed by Butch Jones, stars Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele, a football fan who enjoys being punished by watching her favorite team lose, and Jamie Dornan as a young football team coming off its fourth straight losing season. The too hot for TV trailer begins with the vulnerable Anastasia being led into Neyland Stadium, where she watches footage of the Vols losing to Florida. The trailer then shows a montage of fumbles, quarterback sacks and incomplete passes set to Beyonce's "Crazy In Love." The hotly anticipated film opens Sunday, Aug. 31 in Knoxville.

July 25, 2014

Knox County rolls out new Public Library 'Netflix for books' service

Knox County today announced a new subscription-based service that will allow patrons unlimited access to tens of thousands of books, audiobooks, ebooks, DVDs, CDs, magazines and other materials for $0 a month in the local government's latest effort to attract new users.

The e-government site said that its Public Library service will give users the ability to read as much as they want, choosing from titles such as Stephen King's "Mr. Mercedes" and Donna Tartt's "The Goldfinch." Patrons can also watch movies, download audiobooks and ebooks, listen to music and more.

"Knox County's new Public Library service is going to revolutionize reading," said project director Benjamin Franklin. "Users can check out up to 35 items at a time. Subscribers can read unlimited content from a smorgasbord of featured titles, including 'The Hunger Games,' 'Harry Potter' and 'The Lord of the Rings.' Weirdly those were all books before they were movies. Crazy, right?"

The Public Library service will also carry numerous classic novels by authors such as Jane Austen, Charles Dickens and Mark Twain.

"This is really exciting," said new Public Library subscriber Arnold Neveah. "I can become a member of this service, go online to a website, and have them hold dozens of books at the front desk for me and pay a low $0 for it every month, which is a real bargain. I can even download OverDrive ebooks and audiobooks right to my smartphone or tablet. This is going to completely change everything. I wish someone had thought of this Public Library thing sooner."

"The best part about this amazing service is that anyone can use it," said Franklin. "All the person has to do is live in Knox County. And if you don't, you can still join for just $40 a year. That's even cheaper than Amazon's new Netflix for books.

"They even have my autobiography," added Franklin, "which is a pretty good read if you ask me."

July 24, 2014

East Tennessee restaurant gets national attention for sign welcoming no shoes and shirts

An East Tennessee restaurant is getting national attention after the owner put up signs welcoming customers not wearing shoes and shirts. Owner Chelsea Hannum posted a sign at The Tennessee Kitchen last week telling customers "no shoes no shirt no problem." Now she says she can't keep up with the new business. "There are a lot of restaurants out there making it where you have to wear shoes and a shirt to be served," said restaurant patron Jack Bloom. "I like not wearing a shirt at dinner if I want. Sometimes it gets messy, especially on spaghetti night. But that's why I have a hose in my garage." "No shoes, no shirt, no service," said mashed potato and gravy enthusiast Mike Wilson. "That's a bunch of crap. This is America. If I don't want to wear shoes when I order the Monday meatloaf special, that's my business." Hannum was quick to point out that her restaurant still requires patrons to wear pants. "This isn't Alabama," she said. "We have standards."

July 22, 2014

Tourist who crashed into chocolate shop was chocoholic, police say

According to police, an East Tennessee tourist who accidentally crashed into a Pigeon Forge confectionery Monday was a chocoholic. The crash occurred Monday morning when a mid-sized, four door sedan went through the front window, sending bystanders scrambling for their fudge and fruits dipped in chocolate. The driver was described as a Transylvanian noble with an insatiable thirst for tryptophan. "We've all been there," said police officer Darrel Anthony. "Sometimes a person's needs a giant apple on a stick that has been dipped in caramel, drizzled in chocolate, and then slathered with Oreo crumbs. But mostly the apple is just there to hold the chocolate in place, if we're being honest." Police stressed that no one was injured in the crash, except for a chocolate bunny, whose ears were mangled, and later melted over ice cream and eaten.

July 20, 2014

Morgan County prison to rebrand as gated community

Morgan County Correctional Complex, a leading East Tennessee medium security prison, is set to rebrand as a gated community called Morgan County Inmate Estates. The change follows extensive research indicating that prisons seem less depressing when they have happier sounding names and are compared to residential housing estates. "The name Morgan County Correctional Complex has been part of our heritage and culture as a company since 1980," Wayne Cowan, director of less depressing imagery, said in a news release. "We want to leverage our strong new brand to provide a consistent, high-quality residential experience to all of our customers, wherever we do business." "Morgan County Inmate Estates is not just a gated community," Cowan added. "It's a gated, 500,000 square foot, 65-acre medium security complex with 120 beds designated for maximum security. Up to 2,441 residents can be nestled into our community. In addition to beds, there are cells and toilets. And plenty of guards."

July 18, 2014

Supermoon stops armed robber at Knoxville convenience store

A moon that appeared larger and brighter than usual due to its orbit being closer to the Earth is being called a hero after it stopped an armed robber at a Knoxville convenience store last weekend.

Knoxville police say 48-year-old Samuel Blackaby walked into a North Knoxville convenience store early Saturday morning with what appeared to be a gun in the pocket of his hoodie. Blackaby demanded the contents of the cash register and several cartons of cigarettes.

"I saw him threatening the clerk at the front of the store with a gun," said one eyewitness. "He was saying, 'If you don't put the money in the bag I'm going to shoot you.'"

According to police, that's when the super-powered, synchronously-rotating natural satellite burst into action.

"Is it a floating, glowing skull? Is it an unusually large piece of cheese that can defy gravity? No, it's Supermoon," said one witness.

Police said the moon made short work of the would-be crook.

"Supermoon has several powers, including heightened perceived size and illumination, the ability to cause lunar eclipses and powering the tides of the ocean," said Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "But in this case, the Supermoon relied on convincing the perp that the moon landing was faked."

"Think about it," said the radiant ball of luminescence. "How is that U.S. flag that Buzz Aldrin planted on my surface waving? There's no wind on me. What else has the government been hiding from you?"

Police said the revelation that the last 45 years of American history has been a lie prompted Blackaby to drop his gun and burst into tears. The suspect was then taken into custody.

Supermoon told witnesses it was all in a night's work.

"I'm not a hero," said Supermoon. "I'm just a full moon that looks 14 percent bigger and 30 percent brighter than a regular full moon."

According to police, Supermoon will return to fight crime on Aug. 10 and Sept. 9.

July 17, 2014

Report: area menu options have not changed

According to a recent set of findings by No, You Have Not Provided Excellent Service Today, one area corporate telepharmautilitycard behemoth's menu options have not changed. The report noted that, despite an audible warning to please listen closely and that our menu options may have changed, those menu options are still the same ones they have been for nearly 12 years. "Our extensive data gathering indicates that you still need to press one if you are a pharmacy guest and wish to use express Rx for refills, that you should still dial three to report your card lost, stolen, or damaged, or for cash advance information, and that you must press or say four if you know your party's extension or name," said Greta Brewer, co-author of the report and vice-director of Why Can't I Just Push Zero and Talk to an Actual Human Being? The report also indicated that all calls are recorded for quality assurance, or at least management's own personal amusement.

July 15, 2014

Actual football season to start in 48 days

Following Sunday's World Cup championship match featuring Germany and Argentina, the makers of real football announced today that actual football season will begin on Aug. 31, if we can all just hold on a little longer. "Look, this FIFA World Cup business is a nice game," said a spokesperson for actual football. "It was good to have something to do to whet our appetites. But in a few weeks we open the season against Utah State at Neyland Stadium." University of Tennessee fans took the news well. "I'm looking forward to the World Cup again in four years," said one actual football fan. "But Tennessee has four chances to win the national championship between now and then. I think the priorities are obvious." A spokesperson for actual football went on to say Go Vols!

July 13, 2014

Concrete eating goats chow down on Knoxville sprawl

A herd of goats is once again helping the city of Knoxville clear off suburban sprawl so that it can be replaced with more suburban sprawl. The city plans to use goats to clear away invasive strip malls and shopping plazas within Knoxville, creating space through the property for new strip malls and shopping plazas to be built. This is the second season the city has hired the goats to remove sprawl. "It's great to have the goats back for another summer of eating ugly retail stores arranged in a straight row or L-shape so that they can be replaced by slightly less ugly retail stores arranged in a straight row or L-shape," said Knoxville director of retail goat edibles Darren Ream. "They do a great job of trimming back the sprawl in an environmentally friendly way."

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