May 19, 2013
American television producers announced today plans to remake a popular British comedy series for the U.S. market by hiring hotter actors with much better teeth. CBS Entertainment president Nina Tassler praised the series for "having a lot more good old fashioned violence while simultaneously phasing out use of the word 'crisps.'" "Our plan is to add about 16 episodes to each season, and then instead of just having two or three seasons of the series, we'll have about 100," said Tassler. "But no Christmas special. You can bloody well forget about a Christmas special, America." "This is incredible," said television devotee Adam Broadchurch. "We're remaking a British TV series? This is something completely original, something that has never been done before. It's almost like Americans have run out of ideas. That is very hard to believe."
May 17, 2013
Following the success of a North Knoxville supermarket nicknamed the "Fellini Kroger" for its wide selection of surreal people-watching, the city has announced that grocery stores dedicated to other film directors will open in the near future.
That original supermarket takes its name from Italian film director Federico Fellini, an auteur known for movies filled with bizarre, fantastical imagery.
"Everyone loves the Fellini," said Patrick Upward, Knoxville's director of supermarket strategies. "Where else in town can you find a man wearing boxer shorts on top of his pants pulling a monkey in a red wagon? Or a bearded woman in an American flag tutu pushing around a grocery cart filled to the brim with roll-on deodorant? Certainly not in Sequoyah Hills. So our thought was, why not put some other spins on this?"
New grocery stores will be dedicated to the styles of directors such as Darren Aronofsky, Michael Bay, Quentin Tarantino, Tim Burton and M. Night Shyamalan.
According to a news release, the first of the new grocery stores to open will be a tribute to Michael Bay. The approximately 50,000 square foot store will be highly stylized and will feature multiple grocery cart chases throughout the day. The store is expected to be poorly rated by critics, but adored by fans. It is set to open on Friday, July 19.
"We're hoping to have helicopters fly against the backdrop of a blazing red sun in the produce section as well," added Upward.
Should the Michael Bay supermarket prove successful, a Darren Aronofsky grocery store will open on a bleak day in December. That store will feature burned out lights and desperate shoppers who will never find the items on their grocery lists.
Upward said he is most looking forward to the M. Night Shyamalan supermarket, even though he knows it will ultimately be a disappointing mess nominated for a Razzie Award.
"That store will always have a twist at the end," he said. "Maybe one week the whole shopping trip was a dream. Maybe the next week we find out it was the 'Planet of the Apes' store all along. That sort of thing."
May 16, 2013
A Parkridge car that had been missing since last Thursday has been found underneath a thick coating of pollen beneath a carport on Jefferson Ave. Police told reporters the body of the 12-year-old Saturn was discovered by a neighbor on Wednesday. The car was pronounced extremely filthy at the scene. Authorities said the Saturn had been under the carport the entire time, but that a thick layer of pollen had rendered the car invisible. "The car was there the whole time," said Erin Stanciu, the vehicle's owner. "It was just so dirty I couldn't see it. That and my eyes had swollen shut from my allergies. Fortunately someone wrote 'wash me' on one of the windows and my neighbor saw it." Police said they are too busy sneezing and rubbing their teary, red-rimmed eyes to press charges against the pollen.
May 14, 2013
The University of Tennessee announced no plans Monday to unveil a statue of former head football coach Lane Kiffin as part of the renovated streetscape on Lake Loudon Boulevard near the college's athletic facilities. Kiffin, who left UT after one season to coach the University of Southern California Trojans, has already not been honored with a statue at that school. The absence of a statue in Knoxville will be the second sculpture Kiffin has failed to receive. "The lack of a Lane Kiffin statue is a very important part of the larger Lake Loudon project," UT athletic director Dave Hart told reporters. "We have worked very hard with architects to find the best place to not put a statue of Lane Kiffin." Hart said the decision not to honor Kiffin Summitt was a no-brainer. "Yeah, we don't like that guy. It was very exciting to be able to not present a statue to our worst coach of all time."
May 12, 2013
"American Idol" judge Randy Jackson announced Thursday that he would not be returning for another season of the popular Fox singing competition, saying that the show has become "just all right for me, dawg." The 56-year-old record producer has been a judge on the series for 12 seasons, during which time no one has understood a single thing he has said. "Yo dawg, after a lot of thought, I have decided to leave 'Idol' after this season," Jackson said in a statement. "The show has gotten a little pitchy to me. Dude, it's just like it doesn't have enough UUUGGGGHHHH! Figure out who you are, yo. 'Idol' needs to ask itself, 'Are you in it to win it?'" Jackson said that he is leaving the show to focus on plans to develop several new incomprehensible catch phrases.
May 10, 2013
Thousands of people across South Knoxville are without power after a particularly powerful sneeze struck late Thursday night.
The Knoxville Utilities Board reported 8,756 households across its service area were without power as of 1:26 a.m. Friday.
KUB said the convulsive burst of air came from the mouth and nose of 45-year-old South Knoxville resident George Lind. Reportedly the gust was dislodged after his wife cleaned some boxes out of the attic. The National Weather Service clocked the sneeze at 32 mph.
"As soon as the sneeze went through, we sent out teams to do assessment," said KUB Media Analyst Carla Dittrich. "Outages were widespread, so we went into action immediately. Fortunately no one was injured during the sneeze."
KUB has sent 10 KUB crews across South Knoxville to restore power, she said. Each crew is made up of 4-5 people.
Dittrich said KUB will have power restored as soon as possible, but noted that outages could last through the weekend for some customers.
"Should another sneeze take place, that, of course, could easily present additional challenges," she said.
South Knoxville residents said such outages are common in their part of the city.
"We lose power when it hails," said McClung Avenue homeowner Lindy Duvall. "We lose power when it's windy. We lose power when it snows. We lose power when the sun shines a little too brightly. Once we even lost power when my son had the hiccups. It's a good thing I like camping. I just never thought I'd have to do so much of it in my house."
"I keep a good supply of candles around," said South Knoxville resident Dellane Hinton. "I never know when a car is going to backfire and knock the power out for three days. I remember 2009 was a particularly bad year. We didn't have power for 71 days of that year."
Dittrich said KUB hasn't seen a power outage this widespread in South Knoxville since April, when residents lost power after Brad Corners ate three bean burritos.
May 9, 2013
Pilot Flying J announced today that it has added a 64-ounce frozen, blue raspberry flavored beverage to its legal team. The company's board of directors announced the appointment of the frosty, thirst-quenching treat to help investigate accusations of fuel rebate fraud alleged by the trucking company's clients. "Blue raspberry ICEE is a first-rate attorney who has successfully represented several high-profile clients in various legal matters," said Pilot spokesperson Julian Morris. "He is the perfect beverage to help us understand the facts pertaining to this situation, provided you don't drink him too quickly on a hot day. Then you just get brain freeze." The news comes days after Pilot announced that it had hired a Slim Jim meat stick as special independent counsel in the investigation.
May 7, 2013
For the eighth consecutive year, the List Foundation of America has released its list of best cities for being ranked in top 10 lists. Researchers analyzed the 100 largest metro areas in the U.S. by how likely they were to be listed in a top 10 list. The best city for being listed in lists this year was Knoxville, which is consistently enumerated in the cataloguing of numbered information. "If you're one of the estimated 65 million Americans who love reading top 10 lists, Knoxville will not disappoint," said a spokesperson for the non-profit organization. "Knoxville has been ranked as the no. 1 city where you can get asthma while reading '50 Shades of Gray,' as the no. 1 city for dogs to retire and as the no. 1 city to work outdoors on a pollinated boat."
May 5, 2013
BLOUNTVILLE -- Following a National Day of Prayer tirade by Sullivan County Mayor Steve Godsey against President Obama and openly gay National Basketball Association player Jason Collins, the Creator of the Universe said in a statement today that television sets will now feature off buttons. "I have heard the complaint of my humble servant Steve Godsey and have added off buttons to all television sets," said the Lord of Hosts. "Steve will now be able to turn off his TV when he sees something that offends him. Perhaps with his newfound free time Steve could collect some food for the 12 percent of residents in his county living below the poverty line. I can probably get him a list of names if he needs it."
May 3, 2013
Fetuses and embryos who will one day be registered in Knoxville area schools were administered the TCAP standardized test designed by the state for the first time this year.
Children who have yet to be born are not required by the state to take the exams, but some school systems, including Knox County, chose to give the test in 2013. The four days of extensive testing ended today.
"I truly think that testing our future students who are now in the embryonic stage will come to help them succeed over the long haul," said Lauryl Mackin, Knox County Schools Director of Fill in the Bubble Completely. "Nothing helps a fetus develop into a mature student like a good old fashioned standardized test."
The school system has in previous years administered other achievement tests to fetuses, including the Brigance achievement test and the Cracker Barrel IQ Test. But school officials say they were not satisfied with the results they were getting.
"We weren't entirely happy with what we were getting from our future students with those tests," said Derek Harbin, Knox County Schools Director of Make Your Mark Heavy and Dark. "Too many of our prenatal students were coming back as plain eg-no-ra-mooses. That's only going to hurt our test scores once those students have been born."
Harbin said the TCAP testing will provide an adequate curriculum for embryos and will give them the support they need for future test-taking.
"The purpose of education is to take and pass tests," said Ed McKenzie, Knox County Schools Director of Stay Inside the Circle. "We have to get our kids passing tests as early as possible. If we have to do that before they are technically even kids then so be it."
McKenzie said he is cautiously optimistic about the performance of the school system's future students this week.
"I've got my fingers crossed," he said. "I'm just a little worried about the math. Fetuses are notoriously bad at math. And also at filling in Scantron bubbles. Their tiny fingers just can't quite grasp a No. 2 pencil yet."