September 24, 2016
A mallard duck from Fountain City was spotted pulling a truck down Broadway Avenue Saturday. The strange feat of strength came just minutes after Tennessee had sealed a 38-28 come-from-behind victory against the Florida Gators at Neyland Stadium. Waterfowl in Fountain City are traditionally known for beating motorists with bats. But police say they have also been known to taunt Florida football fans when the mood strikes them. "I'm pretty sure I also saw the ducks grilling an alligator," said one witness. "It doesn't surprise me to learn that the Fountain City ducks are carnivores. The Gators brought a terrible metaphor to a cranky duck fight. Never a good idea." This is not the first time the ducks have rubbed it in. They also spent several minutes Saturday evening laughing at fans that left the game early.
September 23, 2016
A recent study released by the It's Still Almost 90 Degrees Outside in late-September Foundation found that fall can hurry along any day now.
The report revealed that while the calendar says it is football and hayride and jumping into piles of freshly-raked leaves season, for some reason the weather hasn't entirely caught on yet.
"I'm supposed to be sleeping with the windows open," said John Ellis, a senior September sunscreen and mosquito bite researcher with the University of Tennessee. "I'm supposed to be wearing a hoodie outside in the mornings and evenings. I'm supposed to be sipping hot apple cider from beside my fire pit. I'm not supposed to be wondering why they closed all the pools after Labor Day when I can still work up a sweat walking from the front door to the driveway. "
The report revealed that despite Trader Joe's having stocked its shelves with pumpkin ice cream and pumpkin pancake mix and pumpkin cereal and pumpkin toaster pastries and pumpkin spice coffee and pumpkin scones and pumpkin granola bars and pumpkin soup and pumpkin kringle and pumpkin cheesecake and pumpkin oatmeal and pumpkin cookies and pumpkin waffles and pumpkin biscotti and pumpkin butter and pumpkin beer and pumpkin dog treats, it's still hotter than hell and half of Georgia outside.
"Pumpkin spice lattes were not meant to be iced pumpkin spice lattes," said Brada Barker, one of the report's authors. "They are meant to be sipped hot from a mug while you have a blanket on your lap because the air is a little chilly. How is my niece supposed to get a caramel apple stuck in her hair in this weather?"
The foundation's audit found that it looks like it might dip into the upper 70s next week. But the report added that its authors aren't holding their breath because it's so hot they need it for panting when they take the dog for a walk.
September 22, 2016
Knoxville has been named by a national non-profit as a Play Didactic Board Games Everywhere Challenge grant recipient with its new "Downtown Chutes and Ladders" program. A series of ladders and slides will be built with funding from KaBOOM!, an organization that promotes incorporating moralizing disguised as fun into children's daily lives. "Downtown visitors who land on a good deed will get to climb a ladder," said Knoxville mayor Madeline Rogero. "But watch out! If you land on a bad deed you'll have to have fun by sliding down a slide. It seems like a mixed message because it is." Knoxville residents said they can't wait to be preached at by a life-sized board game as they are ironically cheating at it. "I had no idea Chutes and Ladders was so goody-goody," said Jacqueline Isom. "I think I prefer Hungry Hungry Hippos, where I just eat until I pass out. It's more realistic.
September 20, 2016
When the City of Knoxville's upcoming epic "Regal Entertainment Headquarters" comes to South Knoxville, audiences will get to see the blockbuster event in 3-D. According to sources in the film industry, the larger-than-life tale stars 300 multifamily apartments, student housing, two professional buildings, a retail and restaurant component, a hotel and the world headquarters of Regal Entertainment Group. The action takes place beside the Tennessee River on the former Baptist Hospital site. "3-D has been done to death in recent years," said Southeastern Development Associates, the film's director. "But with a project like 'Regal Entertainment Headquarters,' there's really no other way to do it justice. I think audiences are going to have an incredible experience."
September 18, 2016
Tennessee head football coach Butch Jones is in recovery today following a hair transplant surgery overnight. The Vols' coach pulled his hair out Saturday after Tennessee's lackluster performance against Ohio at Neyland Stadium. "He is out of the operating room and currently in recovery," the University of Tennessee said in a statement. "Total operating time was about three hours. Jones' thick new vibrant mane hair is just more proof of what a great recruiter he is." Tennessee had five fumbles and nine penalties in its 28-19 win. This week Tennessee will prepare for its 12th straight loss against Florida. "In retrospect I probably should have just thrown a chair or potted plant like Bobby Knight used to do," said Jones. "Those are healthier ways of dealing with anger."
September 16, 2016
As this year's Tennessee Valley Fair winds down this weekend, promoters say they have added an exciting new sport to the Spur'n S Rodeo: putting pajamas on a freshly-bathed toddler.
The rules of the event are simple: the freshly-bathed toddler starts behind a bathtub. When the dresser calls for the toddler, the doors are opened and the toddler breaks out running. The dresser must then put a nighttime diaper and pajamas on the knee-high child as quickly as possible. With no help.
"We've got all of your favorites this year," said rodeo director Brian Lavery. "There's bull riding and barrel racing. There's saddle bronc and calf roping. But that's nothing compared to the thrills of putting jammies with feet on a two-and-a-half-year old."
Lavery says the event is surprisingly difficult.
"You look at a little kid and think to yourself, 'How hard can it be?'" said Lavery. "But try putting a diaper on a tiny person who is running away from you while giggling maniacally. And God help you if she has a sibling."
Lavery says the event is not necessarily dangerous for the dresser, but that it can sometimes take several hours to finally get the pajamas on both legs and zipped up.
"Let me tell you, nothing can prepare you for a freshly-bathed toddler," said rodeo competitor Alan Matthews. "They're fast as hell. They can be mean as hell. And nine times out of ten they're smarter than you are. Your best strategy is to distract the kid with an episode of 'Dora the Explorer' or just wait until she falls asleep."
"It must be frustrating for the person trying to dress the kid," said rodeo fan Lisa Repka. "But it's pretty entertaining to watch. As the hours tick by, you start to feel sorry for the dresser though."
The rodeo will be held on Friday, Sept. 16 at p.m. Saturday, Sept. 17 at 7 p.m. and Sept. 18 at 5 p.m. Admission to the rodeo is free with fair admission.
September 15, 2016
Troubled residents of a Monroe County subdivision are concerned about how to handle its growing deer population. For some residents of the Kahite neighborhood of Tellico Village, the deer are pests and they are trying to release wolves into the subdivision to eat the deer. Other neighbors say furry death puppies are not the solution. Officials estimate there are a few hundred deer in the Kahite area, which is located near the tip of Tellico Lake. "Deer are the worst," said Taryn Dufficy. "They eat grass. They try to get my children to join gangs. They shoplift. Knock it off, deer!" Others say the deer are just misunderstood. "These deer just need to feel like they're part of the community," said Brad Antin. For now residents say they will try to scare the deer away by showing them episodes of CBS's new "Man With a Plan" series.
September 13, 2016
Farragut native Grant McCartney appeared on last night's season eight finale of "American Ninja Warrior," where he was weirdly completely visible for the entire show. The popular sports entertainment competition features contestants making their way through obstacle courses without the aid of throwing stars, nunchucks or socks with the big toe in its own section. Also the ninja warriors do not sneak up on people and assassinate them. McCartney, a University of Tennessee, now resides in Honolulu. "He did a great job running the obstacle course," said Knoxville reality TV fan Drew Hines. "But I could see him the whole time he was on the monkey bars with the rings. He didn't even use a smoke bomb. It's like they aren't even trying on this show."
September 11, 2016
Bristol Motor Speedway announced today that yesterday's football matchup in which the players drove race cars on the field was as incredible as everyone thought it would be. The long-anticipated event gave football players the keys to NASCAR vehicles. The normal rules of college football applied, but, you know, in race cars. The sports mashup shattered college football attendance records with more than 156,000 fans in attendance. "Thousands of people gathered together to watch people in cars smashing into each other while trying to get a football into the end zone, all while eating grilled meats and drinking mediocre beer," said ESPN commentator Jordan Bedford. "It was literally the most American thing that's ever happened." Vols' fans said they hope more sports mashups are in their future. "I don't even know who won the game," said Jim Fields. "All I know is that there were nine explosions and seven airborne cars. It was the best day of my life."
September 9, 2016
An American pumpkin spice boat with 12 crew members has been hijacked off the coast of Florida, U.S. latte officials said today.
The incident took place approximately 300 nautical miles off the Gulf coast Wednesday while the boat was on its way to make a delivery to Starbucks.
The U.S. Coast Guard said there have been several reports of boats with armed pirates off the Florida coast in recent days.
Pumpkin Spice Minister Katie Rosa told reporters at a news confidence that she is working with Autumn officials to coordinate a rescue.
"Our priority is for the safety of the warm, comforting deliciousness of the pumpkin spice that fuels our morning coffee drinks," said Rosa. "And I guess we're a little concerned about the crew and their families, too."
Rosa added that the hijacked supply boat should only marginally disrupt pumpkin spice latte supplies in the continental U.S.
"There was initially some concern that bleary-eyed caffeinistas would have to choose a different drink on their Monday morning commute through the drive-thru," she said. "But it appears that the hijacking will largely impact only Florida's latte resources. And, let's face it, you can't make things any crazier down there."
The Coast Guard said they are pursuing several leads and hope to return the pumpkin spice to its rightful owners soon.
Officials said the hijacking is the largest hot beverage heist since the high-profile kidnapping of an eggnog latte in 2007.
People desperately longing for fall weather expressed sadness over the incident.
"First I was pretty bummed about this," said Lissa Vitrone of Knoxville. "But it's still like 100 degrees outside. An iced pumpkin spice latte doesn't have the same feel to it. Plus, I don't even think they make Uggs flip flops."
"This is taking things too far," said Zach Lundberg. "You can have my pumpkin spice latte when you pry it from my cold, decaffeinated lips."