November 26, 2015

Area family's Thanksgiving vegetables all contain meat, study finds

According to a recent study by the University of Tennessee's Department of Eating Until You Have Another Chin, 100 percent of the vegetables at the Kessler family's Thanksgiving meal include meat. Researchers found that each and every one of the vegetable side dishes being prepared by the South Knoxville household tested positive for high levels of meat. "From the bacon-wrapped jalapeños stuffed with cream cheese to the mashed potatoes with beef gravy to the green beans marinated in salt pork, this is a vegetarian's worst nightmare," said senior side dish analyst Jacob Parker. Other vegetables at the Kessler's table containing meat include the broccoliducken, a dish consisting of deboned broccoli stuffed into a deboned chicken, stuffed into a deboned duck, and the bacon macaroni and cheese, which is considered a vegetable in the South.

November 24, 2015

City council to vote on Regal's rider request for blue M&Ms

Knoxville's city council members will vote tonight on whether to approve of Regal Entertainment Group's rider, which includes a request for two tubes of Carmex lip balm, jasmine and lavender scented candles, and a bowl full of only blue M&Ms. The rider is part of a $12.5 million deal to bring Regal to South Knoxville's waterfront. Other requirements in the rider include someone to wash Regal's fruits and vegetables, two small tubes of mint-flavored toothpaste (preferably Tom's of Maine), and that the thermostat be set to a toasty 78 degrees Fahrenheit. "I mean, there's some weird stuff in here, but at least it's interesting," said the city's rider liaison Chris Glover. "Moby always asks for socks and underwear."

November 22, 2015

Man complaining about homeless last month suddenly very concerned about homeless

A man who spent October complaining about the homeless population on Broadway Ave. in Knoxville is suddenly very concerned about homeless veterans. Tim Fishel of North Knoxville announced Thursday that we shouldn't be helping Syrian refugees when there are so many homeless veterans, just three weeks after making an incoherent tirade about homeless people congregating in the city's mission district. According to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, approximately 12 percent of the adult homeless population has served in the armed forces. "We should be helping our own first," said Fishel, who is a spokesperson for awfully convenient excuses. Fishel is expected to not visit the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans website at http://nchv.org to find out how he can immediately, tangibly help homeless veterans.

November 20, 2015

East Tennesseans who didn't vote in last election already in line for Black Friday

Multiple local residents who did not cast a vote in the most recent election are already lining up at big box stores for Black Friday savings.

Elizabeth Brummitt of Fountain City is one of dozens of East Tennesseans camping out a week early for a cheaper Roku 32" Smart HDTV who could not be bothered to express an opinion about the officials who should represent her at a local, state and national level.

"I had planned on voting, but I got off work late and I figured that there would be four or five people ahead of me," said Brummitt, who stood in line for 14 hours to acquire the latest iPhone. "But what really matters now is that I can save $69 on an Apple iPad Mini 2. That kind of savings is the reason we broke off from the British in the first place."

Brummitt is not alone in her simultaneous passion for cheap electronics and indifference about the people who make decisions that affect every conceivable aspect of her life.

Robert Croft of West Knoxville is another local resident ready to endure a week of discomfort for a half-price Canon EOS Rebel T5 Digital Camera.

"I'm here in my waterproof tent," said Croft, who did not vote in the last election despite living three blocks from his polling location. "I've got a week's worth of rations and extra socks. Nothing is going to stop me from saving $150 on a Samsung UN60J6200 60" 120Hz 1080p Smart HDTV."

Shoppers said they would probably vote in the next election if voting was a requirement for participating in Black Friday.

"If voting was mandatory for purchasing an Xbox One 500GB Gears of War Bundle with Fallout 4 and an extra controller, I would do it," said Bobby Maitland of Parkridge. "I would definitely vote for the person who is going to lead the United States for four years if it saved me $170 on video games."

November 19, 2015

New topics added to area family's Do Not Discuss During Thanksgiving list

Increasing the minimum wage, vaccinating children and the color of Starbucks' coffee cups are among 50 new topics added to a Knoxville family's list of topics not to discuss at Thanksgiving. The Bauer family of Bearden issues an annual update of the things people are not allowed to bring up during the holiday season. Other new entries include gender neutral pronouns, the Vols' 2015 season, Regal Entertainment Group's move to South Knoxville and made-up claims that Mayor Madeline Rogero was a member of the KKK. Fiona Bauer said the addition of so many new controversies probably represents a complete breakdown of society. "We could talk about bread," said Bauer. "No, that won't work. Lightbulbs? No, too controversial. Standardized testing? No. Depleted uranium? No. I don't think there are any topics left to even talk about." Other off-limit subjects for the family include climate change, gun control, same-sex marriage, health care, vegans, GMOs, the Keystone Pipeline, breast feeding, disciplining children, co-sleeping, diapers, circumcision, Caesarean sections, Cuba, the drinking of cow's milk and mom's passive-aggressive comments about your waistline.

November 17, 2015

Modern-day Sisyphus still trying to dress toddler

A Knoxville man today announced that he is enduring the eternal punishment of spending the morning trying to put a toddler into clothing. According to the gods, Bryan Messer, 26, is being reprimanded for his dishonesty and shrewdness by having to put a shirt, pants, shoes, socks, a hat and coat on his 21-month-old daughter, only to watch her then run away giggling while taking the clothes off. He will be forced to repeat the cycle for eternity. "Leave your shoes on for daddy, please," sobbed an increasingly unbalanced Messer to a symphony of tiny person cackles. This is not the first time the gods have punished an East Tennessean by toddler. In 2014, a Knoxville man was sentenced to 45 minutes of trying to brush an 18-month-old's teeth.

November 15, 2015

Tennessee goes all-orange for first time in new pumpkin uniform era

Tennessee football players donned uniforms made out of pumpkins Saturday for the first time since leaving Adidas for a new apparel agreement with Mr. McGregor's garden. The orange gear is similar in color to the team's former cloth uniforms, but is instead made from the outer shell of the winter squash. "A pumpkin is the same size or larger than a human head," said Tennessee fruits and vegetables coach Travis Davidson. "All we had to do was make a bunch of Jack-O'-Lanterns and convince the team to wear them as helmets. It was easier than it should have been, to be honest." The Vols slobberknocked the North Texas Mean Green in yesterday's game, in part to a tremendous showing by the Tennessee's new pumpkin-hurling defensive back, the Headless Horseman.

November 13, 2015

Beard parasite removed from man's face

A Knoxville man says he is feeling better a day after undergoing 30 minutes of surgery to remove a beard parasite that had lodged on his face.

Chris Wardana, 22, was admitted to UT Medical Center after his general practitioner discovered him exhibiting hipster-like tendencies, including drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and imitating Macklemore's God-awful haircut.

Wardana's girlfriend, Taylor Jensen, believes the parasite got into Wardana's system after he stopped shaving three months ago.

"At first, it was barely noticeable," said Jensen. "There was just a thin coat of furry film on his face. But then it kind of exploded. It kept getting thicker and darker. I was pretty worried about him."

Jensen eventually persuaded Wardana to see a doctor, who immediately diagnosed the problem.

"It had all the classic signs of being a North American beard parasite," said medical doctor Kent Hatten. "It was completely covering the chin, upper lip and cheeks of the face. Furthermore, Chris is an adult male who has gone through puberty. When I put all the pieces of the puzzle together, I knew."

Doctors booked Wardana for a surgical procedure to remove the creature. Onlookers watched in fascination and horror as the beast was sheared and removed from the premises.

Wardana is recovering quickly even though he received no anesthetic for the procedure. Doctors say he won't need a checkup for another six months.

According to the scientific literature, a giant beard can live on the human body for several years before being shaven off by a wife who just can't take it anymore.

"The truly fascinating thing about all of this is that it's a lot more common than people think," said Hatten. "But through a daily shaving regimen, it's completely preventable."

Medical experts said that the beard parasite is more prevalent during the fall and winter months, and that it is especially common during something called No Shave November.

November 11, 2015

Ben Carson's economic plan features 3:1 wheat harbor

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson unveiled his economic plan Tuesday, the cornerstone of which is a 3:1 wheat harbor hex on the western portion of the Settlers of Catan board. The Carson campaign said this would allow the presidential hopeful to gain points by expanding civilization. "Having so much grain will allow us to upgrade our settlements to cities relatively quickly," Carson said. "From there, collecting the 10 victory points necessary to win will be within the nation's reach." The campaign said Carson's presidential administration would also place a heavy emphasis on acquiring longest road status. Carson went on to say that if he rolls a seven he will probably stab the robber.

November 9, 2015

Nation offended by people reacting to people reacting to people reacting to people reacting to red Starbucks' cups

Facebook users announced Monday they have moved through the stages of being offended to reacting to people reacting to people reacting to people reacting to red Starbucks' cups. Social media users reached their latest position after someone somewhere was supposedly offended by the coffee chain removing Christmas decorations from its cups. From there users were offended by that, then offended by the people offended by that, then offended by the people offended by the people offended by that, and so on, until reality slowly came untethered. "Could everyone just stop posting about the how silly it is to be offended by the people who were offended by the people who were offended by the people who were offended by Starbucks' recent cup design," said one Knoxville Facebook user. "Guys, it's getting so meta that Dan Harmon is going to explode." "I'm literally seeing red," added another social media user. "Not because I'm angry, but because people keep posting these cups on my news feed." A spokesperson for Starbucks said, "Holy crap, we are going to be rich. Richer. We are going to be richer."

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