July 2, 2015

Adidas apparel taken out behind UT agricultural campus and shot

The University of Tennessee Wednesday took its old adidas apparel out behind the agricultural campus and shot it, a spokesperson for the school said. The school debuted its new Nike gear on Wednesday. Officials said the old adidas uniforms weren't no good to themselves no more. "You can't hardly tell at first, not till those T-shirts get to the point of slobbering and staggering around," said UT director of putting old gear out of its misery Burn Sanderson. "When you see an old Lady Vols crew sideline softball tee in that fix, you know for sure. You know they'll run if you give 'em the chance. But when one don't run, or maybe makes fight at you, why, you shoot that tee and shoot it quick. After that tee has bitten you, it's too late." Officials said Nike has got a litter right now, bet you Nike would give you one of her tees with a swoosh to wear.

June 30, 2015

Knoxville named top city to be robbed by Hamburglar

According to a Time Magazine report, Knoxville is the leading U.S. city where you may be robbed by a character from McDonaldland wearing a black and white striped shirt and a burglar mask. The study analyzed data from online food delivery company GrubHub that found people in Knoxville are most likely to order a hamburger, then concluded it must also be the most likely place for the Hamburglar to strike. "I'm a little worried," said hamburger enthusiast and out of date pop culture reference Jughead Jones. "It's bad enough I have to deal with those Chick-fil-A cows and now this. It's getting so a guy can't eat 47 hamburgers in a single meal in peace." Police told a frightened public it is perfectly acceptable for people from Knoxville to order something other than hamburgers from the menu, except at Stock & Barrel, Not Watson's and Litton's.

June 28, 2015

Supreme Court rules in favor of nation quietly cleaning out Facebook friends

In a landmark opinion, a divided Supreme Court on Friday ruled that citizens of the United States can quietly delete several Facebook friends. The ruling cements Facebook as a place where people will type anything that they think in their heads without bothering to filter that crap. "I have a crazy uncle who actually commented that people will be marrying dogs soon," said Rebekah DeSilva. "I guess he doesn't realize that dogs are not able to sign legal documents. And then another friend said that a pastor who threatened to set himself on fire if same-sex marriage was legalized should actually do it. I didn't realize I knew so many hateful lunatics." "I also unfriended Antonin Scalia," added DeSilva. "I'm not really even sure how he got in there."

June 26, 2015

Nation awkwardly remembers Sunday was Father's Day

Children across the United States realized in a panic today they had once again forgotten that last Sunday was Father's Day. Thousands of offspring across the country took to the streets for damage control and to purchase hastily thought out gift ideas.

The nation's progeny insisted they would have remembered Father's Day if it had been Mother's Day. But because the day was an annual celebration honoring fatherhood, they put off thinking about it until a few days after the last minute.

Despite their tardiness, many children announced they were still able to find decent pun-themed gifts in the clearance bins of the country's retail shops.

"I was able to buy my dad a 'The Walking Dad' t-shirt and a card that says 'Happy Farter's Day,'" said Addie Howard of Strawberry Plains. "He's a dad, so he loves puns. It's one of his many character flaws. But I love him anyway. I'm just glad my mom has been around to help raise me."

Other offspring told reporters they managed to surprise dad with something extra special this time around.

"Normally I would get my dad socks or a tie or a tie with socks on it," said Justin Waldrop of Oak Ridge. "But since this is the fifth time I've done this, I'm going to make it up to him by getting my dad a year's supply of meat and a colonoscopy. He's really going to love half of his gift."

Some children said they had actually remembered Father's Day 2016 nearly an entire year in advance. Others remain convinced their fathers don't actually know when Father's Day is in the first place.

"The good thing is, my dad probably doesn't even realize last Sunday was Father's Day," said Maddie Cates of Farragut. "I should easily be able to convince him that this coming Sunday is the real Father's Day. He's honestly not that bright."

June 25, 2015

Knoxville man hospitalized for eating in skinny jeans

Doctors say a Knoxville man developed what's called eating too much while wearing pants that are too tight syndrome after he wore skinny jeans while helping a relative eat sizable quantities of food. According to a case study in the journal Family Gossip, the man ended up hospitalized after he failed to loosen his pants during a prolonged period of overeating. The 30-year-old had apparently ignored increasing discomfort but ultimately decided that another cheese Krystal would make him feel better. "As he continued to consume food, his waist began to expand while his pants did not," said Dr. Gretchen Barber of UT Medical Center. "We've seen this phenomenon many times, especially around Thanksgiving. The message is clear: if you're going to be eating for extended periods of time, be sure to wear your fat pants."

June 23, 2015

SCOTUS ruling could lead to hyperbole blackouts, officials say

With a historic decision on same-sex marriage only days away, Tennessee's exaggeration managers said the state could experience an overload of the hyperbole grid, leading to rolling blackouts. Officials said blackouts could strike as early as three seconds after the Supreme Court's ruling on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage bans in Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio and Tennessee. "If the court affirms a constitutional right to same-sex marriage, we are all but certain that the state's hyperbole supply will be exhausted in a few hours," said Keegan Koback, Communication Director for the Exaggeration Foundation. "You're going to hear people say things like, 'What's going to stop people from marrying goats, or plywood, or Donald Trump?' Hopefully no one will need hyperbole for any other reasons in the coming weeks." State officials also cautioned that the state's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve reservoir could exhaust its supply following the SCOTUS ruling.

June 21, 2015

Feds say alphabet has already trademarked new Tennessee logo

The U.S. Patent and Trademark office last week rejected Tennessee's new logo because they say the letters "T" and "N" have already been trademarked by the alphabet. According to a document posted on the agency's website, "Registration is refused because the applied-for logo primarily consists of two existing consonants that make up 1/13 of the English alphabet. The fact that the letters are blurry and surrounded by the color red makes no difference." The proposed state logo somehow managed to cost $46,000 to create. "Obviously we're disappointed, and we plan to appeal this decision," said a spokesperson for Gov. Bill Haslam's office. "Taxpayers in Tennessee should not be penalized just because our new design is so generic as to be the Crispy Rice cereal of state logos."

June 19, 2015

Police call for truce between Fountain City, Peabody ducks

Police on Wednesday asked for a truce between the ducks living in Fountain City Lake in Knoxville and the ducks that live in The Peabody Memphis hotel in downtown Memphis.

The call for peace followed a fight at a bar on Beale Street Monday that left two ducks and 18 humans injured.

"We would ask that there be a truce between whatever ducks are involved here," said Memphis police spokesperson Kayleigh Marshall. "You don't even live in the same city. Just chill out and try to get along. There's no need for waterfowl to be so angry all the time."

Police have said that more ducks could travel to Memphis or Knoxville, possibly seeking revenge against rival ducks, or free bread from children whose parents haven't learned they could be spreading diseases, yes seriously, diseases.

Marshall said Monday's violence began at a bar after one of the Peabody ducks made derisive comments about the Fountain City ducks' working class backgrounds.

"The Peabody ducks reside in a four-star luxury hotel and have never had to work a day in their lives," said Marshall. "And the Fountain City ducks, they don't even need a reason to get violent. They reminded the Peabody ducks about the Grizzlies playoff performance against the Warriors, and all of a sudden whiskey bottles were flying."

Knoxville police said they hoped the ducks could put aside their differences, but would settle for the rest of Fountain City's duck population migrating to Memphis.

"These Fountain City ducks are mean and nasty," said Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "They have a history of aggressive behavior and violence. The Peabody ducks have a history of living on the roof of a luxury hotel and marching to and from the grand lobby at 11 a.m. and 5 p.m. in a tradition dating back to 1933. It's a recipe for trouble. But we're cool with that, as long as the trouble stays in Memphis."

June 18, 2015

Jefferson City residents concerned neighbors could see them at new liquor stores

Some residents of Jefferson City are expressing concerns about the first two liquor stores to open in the city, saying that close proximity to alcohol will lead to their neighbors seeing them purchase strong drink. The city recently voted to allow package stores inside its city limits. People from Jefferson City previously had to drive 20 to 30 miles to the nearest package store, making it much harder for neighbors to spot each other buying Satan's Magic Elixir. "I'm pretty worried about the dangers of alcohol being sold so close to my home," said Doug Cross. "I teach Sunday school at a Baptist church. If the deacons ever find out about this... Well, I don't even like to think about it." "We're pretty concerned about it," agreed Steph Currier, executive director of Oh Crap, Is That Our Preacher, Do You Think He Saw Us? "This is going to be nothing but trouble for Jefferson City."

June 16, 2015

Preservationists kind of bummed Pryor Brown Garage roof collapsed on its own

Several downtown preservationists remain annoyed today after a 90-year-old parking garage endured a partial roof collapse Sunday. The Pryor Brown Garage has been a source of controversy as the building's owners have previously sought to demolish the structure, which is one of the nation's oldest parking garages. Preservationists had hoped to blame the building's destruction on short-sided developers looking to make a quick buck at the expense of historical significance. "I was kind of looking forward to blaming the collapse of the Pryor Brown Garage on greedy developers who wanted to tear the place down to make room for a surface parking lot," said LaNette Ownby. "Instead it was just entropy. Pretty obnoxious if you ask me." Preservationists remain confident that the University of Tennessee's planned destruction of Fort Sanders will keep them annoyed for many years to come.

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