March 3, 2015

Bill would allow Tennessee lawmakers to submit whatever legislation they want

Tennessee politicians could start submitting whatever insane ideas they want to become laws if a new bill from Rep. James Van Huss, R-Jonesborough, and Sen. Frank Niceley, R-Strawberry Plains, passes. Dubbed the Let's Pass Some Laws That Sound Like They Were Dreamed Up By Actual Crazy People Bill, the legislation would allow state lawmakers to make up whatever bills they want, debate them and then bring them up for a vote in Nashville. If those laws were to in turn pass, citizens would have to do those nutty things. "For instance, say I wanted to pass a law that made it OK for motorcycles to drive between lanes of traffic, or to make it legal to shoot at exploding targets, or to establish the Barrett Model 82A1 rifle as the official gun of Tennessee," said Niceley. "This bill would bring us one step closer to making up those laws."

March 1, 2015

Nation weirdly invested in color of dress

Citizens of the United States Thursday announced they are bizarrely invested in the color of a dress featured in a photo circulating on social media. The dress, which is clearly gold and white, no it isn't it's obviously black and blue, what are you talking about are you some kind of idiot, are you kidding me you don't even know the difference between black and navy blue, has driven the country into two devoted factions. The nation's young adult book authors announced that they plan to write a seven-part series of books about the battle between the two parties, which will be turned into 22 movies. The nation eventually gave up its fascination with the dress Friday, when it began watching the third season of "House of Cards" during the middle of the work day when it was supposed to be working on that sales report for Gina.

February 27, 2015

Knoxville family pulled to safety from cabin fever

Onlookers cheered this past week as a West Knoxville family trapped inside for days by snow and ice was pulled from boredom and claustrophobia into sunshine and happiness.

The wintery weather was reported on approximately Feb. 16, where officials encountered icy roads, horrible driving conditions, and hundreds of school and business closings pouring out of the region.

"I looked up and saw a woman yelling that they were trapped indoors with two children who had watched all 64 Netflix episodes of 'Jake and the Never Land Pirates' now, three times," said Maritta Vermillion, a neighbor who had been pulled to safety only the day before. "She was begging me to get her out of there. I rushed into action."

Neighbors quickly shoveled the family's sidewalk and driveway, then kicked down the front door.

"It was terrifying," said Alex Newhook, another neighbor. "Two of the children were jumping up and down on the couch, screaming that they were bored. A third had fashioned a saddle out of a throw rug and was riding the family's yellow lab around the house. The parents were in the floor, clutching their knees to their chests and muttering to themselves. We had arrived in the nick of time."

The family had been stuck indoors for more than a week. They had exhausted an extensive supply of things to do when Knox County Schools are closed for apparently the rest of the year, including cooking, art projects, eating junk food until your sugar levels are elevated and binge watching multiple seasons of TV.

Two adults and three children were pulled from the house, and were immediately rushed to a sunny, grassy meadow untouched by winter's pallid grasp.

"We were able to knock the cabin fever out in about 10 minutes," said rescuer Donald Haney. "They just needed a quick fix of fresh air and vitamin D."

"Thank God they got us out of there," said Lesli Shelton, 31. "My husband and I...I just don't think we could have made it much longer."

February 26, 2015

Winter disproves global warming, scientists admit

The global scientific community today admitted that the existence of winter proves that climate change does not exist. Scientists said that another East Tennessee snowfall has undone decades of research on the subject. "How could we have been so stupid," said University of Tennessee climatologist Katharine McBean. "We completely forgot about seasons when we came up with global warming. Boy, are our faces red. We're very grateful to Nathan Hollingsworth from Claxton for pointing out our glaring error. I just wish we had noticed winter sooner." Scientists said they will spend the weekend stuffing trees full of coal, dousing them with gasoline and lighting them on fire to make up for the error. "It's hard to believe that someone who is cold knows more about climate science than people who have studied it for decades and who do actual research on the subject," added East Tennessee meteorologist Tanisha Mitchell. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have my accountant take out my gallbladder."

February 24, 2015

Forecast: oh come on!

Early Tuesday morning, are you freaking kidding me, are you freaking kidding me, it's snowing again, I just finally got the driveway cleared off, now I'm going to have to start over, sobbed a spokesperson for the National Weather Service. Meteorologists reported I don't believe this, more snow, I just don't believe this, with heavier I haven't been out of the house in days, my kids have been home from school for almost two weeks expected to accumulate throughout the morning. Meteorologists are also calling for 3-5 inches of I'm a man, not a bear, I shouldn't have to hibernate throughout the region. The National Weather Service said that Wednesday night and Thursday the region could again be hit with seriously, seriously, that's all I can even say, seriously?

February 22, 2015

Facebook statuses about snow blanket East Tennessee

Social media statuses about snow fell across Facebook Saturday, blanketing the East Tennessee region with 2-4 inches of updates. The heavy status updates made news feeds treacherous and delayed regularly scheduled posting of political commentary, sports speculation, and pictures and videos of dogs. Many East Tennesseans complained about the seemingly unending barrage of social media weather. "Ugh, Facebook statuses about snow again," said Maylee Xiong of Farragut. "I'm so over this. I'm ready for Facebook statuses about spring." Others took time to enjoy the statuses together. "We're just here enjoying this beautiful blanket of Facebook statuses as a family before it all melts," said Michael Rideout of Fountain City. "We only get social media about snow once or twice a year in Knoxville. It's so beautiful."

February 20, 2015

Knoxville maverick buys up beer and Hamburger Helper

A Knoxville man who does not play by society's rules this past week stocked up on beer, Hamburger Helper and Ramen noodles, rather than on milk and bread.

Friends and relatives said the move was nothing new for Justin Sassone of Fort Sanders, a 24-year-old University of Tennessee student who doesn't follow the dictates of the masses.

The renegade spent last weekend preparing for the week's winter storm by purchasing several unconventional grocery items. When other conformists took to the aisles of Food City, Kroger, Trader Joe's and Publix, piling their carts high with loaves of Sunbeam and Nature's Own, and gallons of Mayfield and Cruze Farm, Sassone packed his basket with boxed pasta dinners, red meat and bottles of hop-infused barley juice.

For Sassone, his act of rebellion puts him in the company of Socrates and Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"You can't tell me what to buy," said Sassone. "I'm not getting bread and milk and eggs and toilet paper like some commoner. The rest of you sheeple can blindly follow what you've been told to do, never stopping to ask questions. But not this free thinker. I'm eating pasta and beef peddled by an anthropomorphic hand like the radical I am."

Other shoppers said they were awed by Sassone's act of supermarket rebellion.

"There's a guy who really marches to the beat of his own drum," said one conformist. "For some people, when you say, 'Jump,' they ask, 'How high?' But that guy is clearly a maverick. If you told him to use the remote control, he might just stand up and change the channel manually. He's an outlaw. There's no stopping him."

For Sassone it's all part of being a dissident and poor college student.

"I'm not here to be liked," he said. "I'm here to wake these puppets up. Plus, Ramen noodles are like 20 cents. And milk makes bread really soggy when you mix the two together. Kind of gross when you think about it."

February 19, 2015

Snow, icy roads slow delivery of warmth

This week's snow, icy road conditions and single digit temperatures is delaying shipments of warmth to the East Tennessee region, a spokesperson for the U.S. Postal Service said Wednesday. Around the city, people are reporting it being freaking cold. "We are working to get warmth to its final destinations as soon as possible," said U.S. Postal Service spokesperson Toni Margas. "But lingering snow and ice on secondary roads is making delivery more difficult. Hopefully by this weekend we'll be able to resume residential warmth delivery. But of course it will depend on the weather." Knoxville residents say they hope distribution resumes soon. "I ordered some warmth four days ago and it still hasn't arrived," said Rocky Hill homeowner Brenda Grubaugh. "I hope it gets here quickly. I can't feel my toes."

February 17, 2015

Knoxville woman arrested for plotting to kill Winter

A woman from Knoxville was arrested Monday for allegedly conspiring to murder Old Man Winter this week. Allison Torelli, 23, of West Hills was taken into custody for devising a plot to murder the coldest season of the year. Police say Torelli was angry for what she claims were weeks of bleak, gray skies, perpetual runny noses and practically freezing to death when it's time to get out of the shower. Police were unable to apprehend her accomplice, Spring, who seems to have fled the area. Torelli is being held without bond pending sentencing. Police have issued an all-points bulletin for Spring, who they hope will turn up really, really soon.

February 15, 2015

Knox Co. ghost employee sentenced to 30 days in haunted house

A former Knox County Trustee's Office apparition received a 30 day sentence to a haunted house Friday. The specter will serve the time after being convicted of defrauding taxpayers out of approximately $200,000. The ghost was on the books as an employee during a four-year period, but did not work due to being translucent and unable to interact with the physical plane. Many critics expressed dismay at what they called a "slap on the invisible wrist." "What kind of a sentence is this," said paranormal investigator Dr. Peter Venkman. "He's a ghost. He'll fit right in at a haunted house. I think they call him a ghost employee because he's a white collar criminal and a real punishment for him just vanished into thin air."

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