October 4, 2015

Rare Mick Jagger spotted at Radnor Lake near Nashville

A rare breed of rock and roll frontman was photographed Wednesday at Radnor Lake State Park near Nashville. The elusive Mick Jagger (Can'tgetno satisfactionus) was photographed preening against a wooden trail fence looking countercultural 40 years ago and British. Mick Jaggers are known for playing a ridiculous number of live shows despite being in their 70s, making your band's single show at The Pilot Light this month seem kind of pathetic in comparison. Anthony Sande, a Nashville birdwatcher, says he called the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency to report the sighting. "It was the second time I've seen the Mick Jagger in the wild," he said. "I saw him once come out of the woods in the Smokies and drink from a stream, then belt out a couple of bars from 'Brown Sugar.' He's a truly majestic creature."

October 2, 2015

Local farms source Knoxville family's rotting produce

Rotting local, a consumer preference for letting locally grown, locally sourced foods decompose in their kitchens, is one of the fastest growing segments of the farming industry.

Knoxville is hardly an exception to the trend. In recent years, the Market Square Farmer's Market has become a fixture of downtown. Community supported agriculture has also become popular, allowing families to buy shares in a local farm so they have fresh fruits and vegetables to forget about until they decay.

The Lawrence family of Parkridge is one household supporting this lifestyle.

"Choosing a local farm means I know exactly where the food rotting in my refrigerator comes from," Nessa Lawrence said as she gently tossed a wilted batch of greens into her trash can. "I know these fresh vegetables that I will leave in a drawer for a month until they become liquid came from the soil right here in East Tennessee, not from some factory farm on the other side of the country."

Each week of the growing season, the Lawrences have crammed fresh radishes, squash, cucumbers, tomatoes and other vegetables they have never even heard of into their refrigerator until entropy runs its course.

"These tomatoes that I left in a bowl on the counter until they became a habitat for fruit flies weren't grown with harmful fertilizers and pesticides," said Nessa's husband Tyrone. "I'm really appreciative of that."

"It's really exciting to know where the food I don't eat comes from," added 16-year-old Isabella. "When my parents aren't cooking that beautiful Rainbow Chard because no one knows what the hell to do with it, I'm thankful it was grown right here in my local economy."

Now that the growing season is nearly over, the Lawrences say they will look forward to another year of fresh but not for long vegetables grown practically in their own backyard.

"It was a good year of barely attempting to eat local food," said Nessa. "Maybe next year we'll even plant our own garden and not eat from it."

September 30, 2015

Election apparently held in Knoxville yesterday

An election was apparently held in Knoxville Tuesday in which the mayor, a municipal judge and four city council seats were up for re-election. Voter turnout consisted of some guy and maybe another lady and probably a couple of other people. "I found out last night there was voting yesterday," said Blake Streeter, a West Knoxville resident who thinks he might be registered to vote but isn't totally sure. "So weird. I thought that only happened in November. I hope it wasn't for anything important, like the public officials who will represent us in the government for the foreseeable future. But on the other hand, it was National Coffee Day. I got six free cups of steaming hot caffeine." Knoxville residents said they also spent Tuesday securing their copyright by copy and pasting some official sounding words into a Facebook status update.

September 28, 2015

Blood Moon Eclipse fails to bring about Great Fourth Age

Last night's Blood Moon Eclipse failed to usher in the Great Fourth Age of Suffering as prophesied in the Ancient Scroll of Clandestine Knowledge. Sunday's rare harbinger of doom was a confluence of a supermoon and a lunar eclipse, resulting in a cool looking coppery reddish moon, but not in the Coming of the Primordial Olden Ones Who Seek to Destroy from Beneath the Mounded Sands of the Antediluvian Deep. Students of The Prophesy said they must have got the wrong cosmic event. "This happens every time," said the Wisdom Keeper of the Celestial Vision. "One of these really rare astronomical events that happen five or six times a year comes around and we blow the prophesy like we're Butch Jones or something." The Ancient Ancients said probably the Great Fourth Age will happen during the conjunction of Venus, Mars and Jupiter next month, or in the Leonids meteor shower the month after that.

September 26, 2015

Villagers with pitchforks to chase Butch Jones back to Knoxville

An angry mob of Tennessee fans with torches and pitchforks gathered in Gainesville and on the Internet tonight to chase Vols' head coach Butch Jones (Boris Karloff) back to East Tennessee. Jones blew a 13-point lead to lose Tennessee's 11th straight game against the Gators. The heartbreaking loss comes on the heels of a previous heartbreaking loss to Oklahoma, in which the Vols gave up a 17 point lead to, hell, it's too depressing to even type again. "I'm going to spend the rest of the evening drinking until I don't feel sad anymore and wondering who the next head coach will be," sighed one mob member. Tennessee fans took some consolation in the knowledge that Florida will soon collapse into the sea due to climate change.

September 25, 2015

Store manager pleads guilty to already putting out Christmas merchandise

A former store manager has pleaded guilty to federal charges stemming from already having put out Christmas merchandise even though it isn't even Halloween, for crying out loud.

James Everett, 56, of Oak Ridge, was the manager of a big box store in West Knoxville. According to federal authorities, he admitted that he had participated in a scheme to deck the store aisles with Christmas-themed decorations, food products and gift items almost three full months before the December holiday.

Everett further admitted to gross holiday neglect, resulting in Halloween and Thanksgiving not receiving their fair share of retail shelf space.

"These are very serious charges," said Eryn Cooper, an East Tennessee-based attorney specializing in holiday-themed criminal law. "This man has seriously compromised merchandising for the fall season and Halloween with his actions. You can't just leave out the naughty nurse costumes and boxes of Count Chocula like they were some afterthought."

At his plea hearing yesterday, Everett admitted he had asked store employees to put out Christmas trees, ornaments, lights, wrapping paper, and other decorative items when it's still 80 degrees outside. He faces up to 10 years of having to listen to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long and a fine of up to 25 candy canes.

Authorities said Everett could also face civil action from the fall and winter holidays.

"I'm scarred for life, and not in a cool, horror movie way," said Halloween. "Every year Christmas gets earlier. At least I have loads of candy and scary costumes to compete with. All Thanksgiving has is pumpkin pie and turkey trots. The poor middle child always ends up with nothing."

A histrionic Jan Brady agreed.

"Well, all day long at school I hear how great Christmas is at this or how wonderful Christmas did that," said the inferior and awkward sibling. "Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!"

September 24, 2015

Donald Trump boycotts Fox News; nation hopes rest of networks will follow

Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced on Twitter Wednesday he will be boycotting interviews on Fox News, prompting the nation to pray to the heavens that he boycotts MSNBC, CNBC, CNN, Al Jazeera‎, ESPN and The Weather Channel next. The billionaire real estate mogul complained that Fox News has treated him unfairly. Trump currently leads the Republican field by 20 points, which is a thing you should just let roll around in your head for a few minutes. "This is really exciting news," said a spokesperson for virtually all people everywhere. "That's one television network down. Now if we can get him to swear off all of the others, it will finally make America great again."

September 22, 2015

Woman sues Knoxville because Sunsphere not spherical ball of plasma

A woman who visited the Sunsphere last month is suing the city of Knoxville because she was disappointed the steel truss structure is not a molten star at the center of the solar system. The plaintiff, Jennifer Swarts of Alabama, says she visited the Sunsphere because she thought the tower was a real spherical ball of plasma comprising 99.86 percent of the solar system's mass. She subsequently learned that the Sunsphere is just a ball on top of a stick left over from the 1982 World's Fair. "A reasonable person would not be deceived into believing that light from the Sunsphere is the main source of Earth's energy, or that the planet orbits around it every 365.2564 days," said one observer. An attorney for the city has called the lawsuit "frivolous."

September 20, 2015

Knoxville man secure enough to wear orange socks in public

A Knoxville man Saturday defied both fashion and common sense by venturing out of his home wearing orange socks. Tom Jameyson left his Bearden home yesterday morning encased in a pair of retina-dissolving foot sheaths, which he proudly displayed in full public view. Jameyson traveled to Market Square and Gay Street in downtown Knoxville with his head held high, before finally walking to Neyland Stadium in the carroty cotton cocoons. "No one should dress in orange socks and shorts ever, unless they are a gourd," said sock color industry insider Yolanda Hines. "It is a recipe for leaving someone's eyes as gaping, smoldering craters." "That guy is the Donald Trump of sports team-themed footwear," said one observer. "He just doesn't even care."

September 18, 2015

Police investigating bizarre orange-clad group as possible religious cult

Knoxville police are investigating a possible religious cult, citing complaints by neighbors of a strange ritual involving the sacrifice of hotdogs near SUV tailgates.

Last weekend several witnesses reported strange behavior coming from downtown Knoxville and the University of Tennessee campus. Observers noticed hundreds of people dressed in strange garments, all descending on Neyland Stadium for a ceremony involving an ovular ball.

"The first thing I noticed was that they were all wearing orange and white," said Maram Young. "And then they kept chanting these strange incantations like 'Rocky Top you'll always be, home sweet home to me' and 'I said it's great to be a Tennessee Vol.' I hid behind a tree. I've heard of black mass before, but not orange mass."

Another witness told of several inexplicable feasting held near the open trunks of vehicles.

"It just seemed really odd to me," said Brent Turrent. "There were all these people around that I didn't know. They were having this weird banquet of baked beans and coleslaw and chips and beer hidden in water bottles. They were a little too happy. They kept inviting me over to join them. I thought maybe they were trying to lure me into their trunks."

"They seemed like they were up to no good," added Staci Weber. "What the hell is a rocky top? They sang something about strangers disappearing in the woods. Are they sacrificing people? It did not sound like Southern hospitality to me."

Police said that while the behavior is admittedly a little odd, it is perfectly legal and does not seem to be coercive in nature.

"These folks don't appear to meet the definition of a cult," said Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "Yes, they are definitely a sports-based religion, praying to a deity that they think cares about football scores. But cults don't let you leave. These so-called Vols will ultimately let you defect to Florida or Alabama. Just don't say it too loudly."

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