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July 18, 2014

Supermoon stops armed robber at Knoxville convenience store

A moon that appeared larger and brighter than usual due to its orbit being closer to the Earth is being called a hero after it stopped an armed robber at a Knoxville convenience store last weekend.

Knoxville police say 48-year-old Samuel Blackaby walked into a North Knoxville convenience store early Saturday morning with what appeared to be a gun in the pocket of his hoodie. Blackaby demanded the contents of the cash register and several cartons of cigarettes.

"I saw him threatening the clerk at the front of the store with a gun," said one eyewitness. "He was saying, 'If you don't put the money in the bag I'm going to shoot you.'"

According to police, that's when the super-powered, synchronously-rotating natural satellite burst into action.

"Is it a floating, glowing skull? Is it an unusually large piece of cheese that can defy gravity? No, it's Supermoon," said one witness.

Police said the moon made short work of the would-be crook.

"Supermoon has several powers, including heightened perceived size and illumination, the ability to cause lunar eclipses and powering the tides of the ocean," said Knoxville police spokesperson Tinah Miller. "But in this case, the Supermoon relied on convincing the perp that the moon landing was faked."

"Think about it," said the radiant ball of luminescence. "How is that U.S. flag that Buzz Aldrin planted on my surface waving? There's no wind on me. What else has the government been hiding from you?"

Police said the revelation that the last 45 years of American history has been a lie prompted Blackaby to drop his gun and burst into tears. The suspect was then taken into custody.

Supermoon told witnesses it was all in a night's work.

"I'm not a hero," said Supermoon. "I'm just a full moon that looks 14 percent bigger and 30 percent brighter than a regular full moon."

According to police, Supermoon will return to fight crime on Aug. 10 and Sept. 9.

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