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May 8, 2014

Deaths of relatives up 9,000 percent in May, school officials say

Unverifiable deaths of great grandmothers, uncles, cousins and half-brothers have increased nearly 9,000 percent in the final month of the 2013-2014 school year, according to figures released by Knox County Schools. A record-breaking 842 children enrolled in Knox County Schools reported needing excused absences due to the untimely passing of distant family members in the first week of May. In several cases relatives who had previously died passed away a second time. "It's pretty incredible that we would have this many kids needing to miss school for a couple of days of class right at the end of the school year," said Geometry teacher Polly Dorn. "It's almost like kids are just making up dead relatives." "We have every confidence that deaths will drop dramatically as soon as classes and finals are over," added Spanish teacher Kathie Schwartz. "It happens every year. May is a bad month to be related to a high school senior."

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