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January 24, 2014

Obama administration mistakenly confiscates nation's gum

Just over five years after becoming the 44th president of the United States, Barack Obama Thursday erroneously confiscated the nation's chewing gum.

The bold mistake was seen as a victory for Second Amendment rights advocates, many of whom believe the president seeks to impose strict gun control measures.

However, political analysts say the gaffe could be costly for the president's second term agenda. The Obama administration continues to reel from the damage done by the disastrous rollout of the HealthCare.gov website. Many believe confiscating chewing gum instead of firearms could cement the second term president's lame duck status.

"Oh, wait, I was supposed to confiscate the nation's guns," said a confused Obama after learning of the mishap. "Crap. I thought it was gum. That's what we get for playing that telephone game around the office. I've never liked kids' games."

"Well, that's embarrassing," added White House press secretary Jay Carney. "'Saturday Night Live' and Colbert are not going to let us get away with this. The worst part is, it took us five years to get all the gum. There is so much of it, you really have no idea. I don't see how we're going to get people's guns now. I really just don't see how we can do it. It would be a logistical nightmare."

Gum rights' activists are not taking the criminalization of the nation's flavored chewable synthetic rubber lightly. Dissidents have organized protests in major cities across the county.

"This is America," said gum chewer Violet Beauregarde. "I have a right to chew gum if I want. They can have the Bazooka bubble gum though. The military could use it as tank armor. It's the only known material that is harder than diamond."

Other gum chewers said they have stockpiled gum where the government can't find it.

"You can have my Wrigley's Spearmint when you pry it from my cold, dead gums," said Yipes, a zebra and fruit-flavored gum enthusiast. "Ha ha ha. See what I did there?"

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