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December 13, 2013

North Pole to outsource elf on shelf jobs to NSA

The North Pole is set to close its spying division and outsource the work to the National Security Agency in a move that will see thousands of elves lose their jobs.

The North Pole transitioned its intelligence gathering capabilities to a team of shelf elves nearly a decade ago. Since the mid-2000s, the North Pole has sent individual scout elves to local homes to assist Santa Claus with the keeping of his naughty and nice lists.

"These so-called house elves have proven to be a horribly inefficient way of doing things," said a spokeself for the North Pole. "The elves roost in a single spot each day to spy on children, then return here each night to report to Santa. Then the elves fly right back to the family's home again each morning.

"First of all, cell phones or e-mail would be a much more effectual way of reporting information to Santa. Secondly, the NSA already has the spying infrastructure in place. There's no need for us to recreate the wheel."

The North Pole said the time is right to cut down on overhead and to streamline its toy-making headquarters. The cost cutting measure is expected to save Santa Claus millions of dollars.

Elf union leaders warn the move could backfire and further damage the toy manufacturer's reputation. Santa Claus has already come under fire in recent years for outsourcing plastic toy manufacturing to China. Animal rights groups have also complained about animal rights abuses in the reindeer stables.

The North Pole says the decision to outsource the North Pole's spying is just business.

"It's nothing personal," said Santa Claus in a statement. "We are hopeful that many of these elves can be transitioned to another part of the North Pole workforce. The fact of the matter is we didn't need elf spies. Frankly the NSA was listening in on a lot of these families already. And the government can sure use the extra cash. Those guys cannot manage money."

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