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July 30, 2013

Y-12 will no longer hire Stormtroopers as security, officials say

Following an incident in which two guards received minor wounds from the accidental discharge of a firearm, Y-12 National Security Complex announced today that it will no longer hire Imperial Stormtroopers as security officers. Officials said it has become apparent that the complex's Stormtroopers are not adequately trained. "These Stormtroopers are worthless," said Y-12 director of apologies Joseph Unger. "This incident notwithstanding, they are terrible marksmen. They are easily outwitted by droids. Their suits are poorly designed deathtraps. I don't even know why we hired them." Unger told reporters that the facility plans to transition its security to an army of Barney Fife clones effective immediately. "First our security forces were overwhelmed by elderly habit-wielding women," he said. "Now our officers are accidentally shooting each other. We haven't felt this stupid since Ralph Macchio snuck into Y-12 wearing a shower costume."

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