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June 21, 2013

Farragut noise complaints cited under new noise ordinance

Two Farragut residents have been fined for the loudness of their complaints about noise under a new town noise ordinance.

The Farragut Board of Mayor and Aldermen adopted a new noise ordinance June 13. The regulation was passed after one resident complained about the crowing of a rooster and a second protested the noise emitted by the electric fans at Fox Den golf course.

The ordinance was passed during a special workshop which was held to discuss the issue.

"We knew this was something we had to take care of immediately," said Farragut General Manager of First World Problems. "Those fans were putting off 60 decibels of sound at 60 feet. To give you some idea of how loud that is, a conversation is 60 decibels at three feet. A telephone dial tone is 80 decibels. It must have been hell on earth."

But, ironically, the two residents complaining about the noise were themselves fined for violating the noise ordinance due to the loudness of their complaints.

"I couldn't help it," said Matt Murdock of Farragut. "I have heightened senses due to a freak accident with a radioactive substance that fell from a car. The radiation blinded me but gave me superpowers. It's like that fan was yelling at me all the time. So I raised my voice a little. But I'm a lawyer. I'll get out of it."

The NSA was also fined for the noise of its noise complaint.

"Look, we've been wiretapping without warrants nonstop since 2001," said the intelligence agency. "Sometimes you just want to shut down and not listen to anything, you know? But then that rooster goes at it again. Always with the cock-a-doodle-dooing."

The NSA did say it was pleased that the rooster also received a citation for its crowing.

"We completely sympathize," said the NSA. "That rooster was yelling obscenities at South Carolina fans. We can get behind that. Roosters can't help it that they are South Carolina's mascot. The rage is understandable. But you can swear at South Carolina fans and whisper. It's just as effective."

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