March 31, 2013
Government to restrict access to Y-12 with Dementors, Protego Horribilis spell
The government plans to increase security at the Y-12 nuclear weapons plant in Oak Ridge by installing several magical Dark creatures and conjuring various shield charms. Ministry of Magic officials hope the presence of non-beings who feed off human happiness will serve as a warning to protestors. According to Ministry of Magic spokeswizard Ragmar Sidebottom the Protego Horribilis charm will also be summoned to protect the complex against dark magic and unwashed hippies. Sidebottom said the increased security measures will be implemented by April 4, just two days before another scheduled protest at the site. "Unfortunately events of the past few months have demonstrated the need for increased security measures," Sidebottom told reporters. "If these new defensive measures don't work, we'll have to read 'Fifty Shades of Grey' out loud to protestors. But we're hoping to avoid cruelty."
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