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February 15, 2013

Turf war erupts between Girl Scouts and Keebler Elves

A turf war is brewing in Knoxville between gangs of tree-dwelling elves and roving bands of little girls selling flat, baked treats.

The so-called Keebler Elves, a group of green-coated, red-hatted sprites who bake cookies, say they are "hitting back" after hearing rumors of Girl Scouts selling cookies door to door in the Knoxville metropolitan area.

"We are proud of our cookie-selling heritage in East Tennessee and we look forward to our continued role delivering compressed, sugary baked goods to the good people of Knoxville," said the elves in a press release. "We have several hollow trees in the area, where we produce all manner of fudge striped treats and chocolate graham cookies with mint cream middles."

Elves have a long manufacturing tradition in North America. Hundreds of elves also make their residence at the North Pole, where they produce large quantities of toys that are distributed in the month of December.

But the Girl Scouts say they aren't willing to back down.

"This isn't complicated," said Lauren Yarbro, age seven. "We have been selling cookies in Tennessee grocery store parking lots since 1917. Just because your company decides on a clever marketing scheme in 1968, that does not mean you can muscle your way into the cookie business. Besides, those elves are sexist. Their trees all have signs that say, 'No girls allowed.'"

Cookie peddler Lily Hibbs concurred.

"If you think that Keebler Chips Deluxe Rainbow Chocolate Chip Cookies can compete with Do-si-dos and Thin Mints, you're just wrong," she said. "Those baked goods have more words in the title than chocolate chips in the cookie. Go bake something that's actually delicious, you piece of Western European folklore."

Fearing violence, city officials have urged the two factions to sit down to work out a diplomatic solution.

"Knoxville loves cookies," said Mayor Madeline Rogero. "I mean, seriously, Cookie Monster endorsed my mayoral candidacy. Our waistlines have plenty of room for all kinds of cookies. I have every confidence that we can learn that it feels good to give and that it's fun to share."

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