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January 4, 2013

Sunsphere resolves to find love in 2013

As we head into a new year, now is the time for steel truss structures that evoke memories of the 1982 World's Fair to evaluate their lives and set new goals and plans for 2013.

For celebrities like downtown Knoxville's Sunsphere, 2013 signifies an opportunity for a new start, particularly when it comes to love. Friends of the beloved tower have told reporters that the 30-year-old golden orb has resolved to finally settle down this year.

Earlier this week, the Sunsphere's good friend Henley Street Bridge said that the city's most eligible bachelor is ready for something more long term.

"He's a fantastic catch and he's done with endless strings of relationships," the bridge said. "Not only has he never looked better, but he has a new sky lounge with two bars, a fireplace and a DJ booth. As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing not to like. He's good looking, honest, affectionate and has a great sense of humor. The ladies love a sense of humor."

In an effort to downplay his superstar status, the Sunsphere has posted an ad on Craigslist.

"Do you enjoy laughing," the ad reads. "Do you love sports, movies and going to concerts? Are you alone like me? If so, I would love to hear from you. I am a completely self-sufficient tower. I have my own place, a car and a job. I do not have any kids, but it's OK if you do. I love trying new things and meeting new people, and I love animals. It just seems really hard to meet the right building these days, so I have resorted to this. I am 266-feet-tall and topped with 75 feet of gold-colored glass. I am in pretty good shape. If you feel like I could be your match, hit me up with your favorite color in the subject so I know you aren't a bot. Pictures are available upon request."

Though most resolutions are broken within weeks of the new year, the Sunsphere acknowledges that he is committed to finding "the one."

"I'm tired of this endless roller coaster of booty calls," he said. "It's time for me to grow up."

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