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December 9, 2012

Zombified Robert Neyland named Vols' head coach

Tennessee has hired the reanimated body of Robert "The General" Neyland to be its new head football coach. This will mark the beloved coach's fourth stretch as coach of the Vols. Neyland previously coached UT's football team from 1926-1934, 1936-1940 and 1946-1952. "I'm thrilled," said Tennessee athletic director Dave Hart. "I was not expecting the university's black magic department to pull this off. But they did it. The SEC is in some serious trouble next season. And not just because our coach is a zombie." Neyland's accolades at Tennessee include six undefeated seasons, seven conference championships and four national championships. "Not only was he the best coach the Vols have ever had, but now our players have incentive not to lose," Hart told reporters, "Any player not performing up to our fans' high standards will have his brains promptly eaten. And just think. We could have been stuck with some guy named Butch."

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