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December 28, 2012

Critics pan Mayan apocalypse

One week after the conclusion of the 5,125-year "Long Count" Mayan calendar, apocalypse critics have slammed the $150 million doomsday as "weak," "lacking imagination" and "woefully unbelievable."

End of Days critics had lofty hopes for the highly anticipated collapse of civilization, which was written and directed by the ancient Mayan civilization of Mexico, Guatemala and Belize. The day of reckoning was released on Dec. 21. Reviews have been nothing short of dismal.

"This was one of the most confusing, preposterous, conceited and disastrous apocalyptic train wrecks I've ever seen," wrote "Rolling Stone" film critic Peter Travers. "This end of the world was a paint-by-numbers cliché from the opening credits to its contrived claptrap of a dead end."

Travers was hardly alone in his assessment of Judgment Day.

"With all the money spent, this end of the world seemed cheap and hurriedly cobbled together, with the talented Mayan civilization left to wallow in a cast of nobodies in an inane, madcap winter solstice meets Christmas adventure," wrote critic Roger Ebert. "The special effects were atrocious. The acting was like something out of a horrific scientific experiment that fused the DNA of Keanu Reeves and Nicolas Cage. Not since Harold Camping's rapture have moviegoers been this let down. "

Fans have been more forgiving.

"I don't know what people are so upset about," said Ginny Parcell. "Yeah, it was no Noah's ark or Book of Revelation or meteor that killed off the dinosaurs. But that's OK for me. Sometimes I just want to go to the apocalypse to be entertained."

"This was an amusing end of the world escapade," added Cherise Cowart. "Look, I get that some people need Academy Award-winning performances every time they go to the destruction of all mankind. But I go to the end of the world to escape. I'm more of a popcorn apocalypse kind of girl."

Fans and critics have turned their attention to the forthcoming 2017 apocalypse written and directed by the Prophet Gabriel, in which all of humanity will "perish in hellfire" in the "dying time," except for the Sword of God Brotherhood.

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