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November 2, 2012

Clinton youth accidentally consumes Circus Peanuts candy

The foamy, orange candy that was dropped in one Clinton youth's trick-or-treat bag looked appetizing. But once the confection interacted with his taste buds, 11-year-old Cameron Walz was rushed to the kitchen to drink a gallon of Mountain Dew to get the putrid taste out of his mouth.

Walz encountered Circus Peanuts, a revolting, peanut-shaped marshmallow candy that dates back to the 1800s. Given their unspeakable, horrifying taste, experts assume that most Circus Peanuts in existence today were actually produced at that time.

For Walz, consuming the candy was a mistake he won't soon make again.

"It was horrible," he said. "They tasted like nasty, inedible bananas. But it was malleable and squishy. I can't believe I wasted some perfectly good post-Halloween stomach space on this."

Walz is not the only East Tennessee child who was given the unpalatable, fetid grossness disguised as candy.

"Candy was not meant to be spongy," said 10-year-old Madison Barnett. "It was meant to be delicious. I can only assume that whoever gave these out was using them as insulation in their attic. Either that or somewhere out there, in the same factory that makes black licorice, a witch is cackling."

"It was shaped like a peanut," added 11-year-old Mackenzie Warner. "But it was orange. But the flavor was banana. None of this makes any sense. And why are they called Circus Peanuts? If you gave a lion or tiger one of these, it would eat your head instead. And you would deserve it."

Becky Walz, 33, told reporters she is disappointed with her neighbors, who were clearly never children themselves. But she says she will not press charges under Tennessee's controversial Awful Candy Law.

"I want to be clear," she said. "The candy my son consumed was not poisoned. It was just a foul-tasting capsule of marshmallowy awful. This is definitely a learning moment for our family though. He won't pop candy into his mouth without knowing what it is ever again."

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