November 2012 Archives

November 30, 2012

UT student rushed to hospital after bleeding red

A University of Tennessee student was reportedly rushed to the hospital Thursday evening after friends found him bleeding red rather than orange.

Sean Vester, a 21-year-old junior, was taken to the hospital with minor injuries after falling down and skinning his knees while playing basketball on UT's campus. Friends were concerned because Vester's blood did not bleed orange.

Vester was driving the lane on his way to a finger roll when he tripped and fell. The impact of the concrete on Vester's bare knees resulted in an abrasion with minimal bleeding. Despite the nominal injury, witnesses said the presence of red blood was an immediate concern.

"I'm not a doctor," said UT sophomore Patrick Hower. "I'm not even a medical student. But I know that Tennessee fans bleed orange. It's on all the T-shirts. So I wasn't going to take any chances. Friends have to look out for each other."

Vester was taken to UT Medical Center in an ambulance.

"I was worried," said physician Geoff Quillman. "I have to admit I've never seen anything like this and I've been practicing medicine for almost 30 years. I immediately ordered an extensive test battery. I wasn't concerned for the patient's life. But at the same time, who has red blood? No one, that's who."

Other doctors shared Quillman's distress.

"We ordered a blood transfusion and will be monitoring the patient throughout the weekend," said hematologist Rachel Nolan. "Our biggest fear is that we're looking at an epidemic brought on by UT's dismal season this year. We've asked that the Vols have a winning season as soon as possible. Hopefully that will keep this thing contained. Can you imagine if it spreads? Blood was not meant to be red, except in Alabama. But you know how people in Alabama are."

Vester told reporters he just wants to bleed orange like a normal Knoxville person.

"This is so embarrassing," said Vester. "I feel ashamed to be a UT student. I don't know why my blood is red. I hope they can fix me as soon as possible. If not I may have to take next semester off. I don't even know how to tell my parents."

November 29, 2012

Dolly Parton denies Vols coaching rumors

Appearing on ESPN's "Mike and Mike" show today, Sevierville-born songstress Dolly Parton denied rumors that she has been offered a position as the next head football coach at the University of Tennessee. Tennessee athletic spokesman Jimmy Stanton said today that good gosh almighty, it's only been 11 days, can you people take a nap or go make some biscuits or think about something besides football for five minutes, we'll figure this out soon enough. Parton confirmed Stanton's statement. "Shoot, honey, I'm just trying to focus on the job I have and on wearing my high heels," she told ESPN viewers. Stanton also denied rumors that Lane Kiffin will be returning to coach the Vols, saying that Tennessee fans would rather listen to Gilbert Gottfried narrate all five "Twilight" movies while being kicked in the head with a logging boot.

November 27, 2012

UT to appear on 'Extreme Bulldozer: Historic Building Demolition Edition'

A Knoxville university that tears down historic buildings as a hobby has been chosen to get a helping wrecking ball from the ABC-TV program "Extreme Bulldozer: Historic Building Demolition Edition." The University of Tennessee got a knock on its door this morning from the cast of the popular show. Over the next week, volunteers will help the university tear down several historic landmarks, including the Aconda Court building on Cumberland Avenue, and Temple Court, named for Judge Oliver Perry Temple. Also slated for demolition on the program are three Victorian houses on White Avenue. "We are so grateful to have been chosen for this honor," said Grant Dickie, UT's vice chancellor for destroying historic buildings. "We try to wipe out all the historic buildings we can. But sometimes it takes a village to help destroy a historic village."

November 25, 2012

Commission hopes for 'billboards on cars ban' compromise

Knox County Commissioners have scheduled a workshop for Nov. 29 at 4 p.m. to hammer out a compromise on a controversial ban on billboards on top of automobiles. The proposed law would forbid billboards on car rooftops in the county. Commissioners said they would delay a vote on the ban until they could negotiate some common ground on the issue. Opponents say the rooftop billboards are dangerous to drivers and create blight. Supporters say the ads help businesses and create jobs in the state. "I get posting scenic advertisements on our roadways," said local motorist Sandy Thurman. "Who wants to look at gigantic, hideous trees? But putting billboards on top of cars seems like it may be taking things too far. And that's where a lot of people's pets and grandmothers ride." Car rooftop billboards have been banned in the City of Knoxville since Cas Walker's death in 1998.

November 23, 2012

Knoxville man actually trots entire turkey trot

A 26-year-old Knoxville man is feeling somewhat awkward today after he literally trotted a turkey trot in West Knoxville.

Nicholas Hamrick of Fountain City was queuing up at the starting line to take part in yesterday's annual adult Knoxville Turkey Trot 5K when he burst into a full speed trot, according to witnesses at the scene. Observers were baffled by the unusual running stance, which resembled the gait of a horse or other four-hoofed animal.

"It was a little odd," said Ashleigh Booth. "He was acting like a horse. I thought maybe he had diarrhea or something. But he might have just been a really weird person."

Debbie Kirkpatrick, one of the event's organizers, has seen every Turkey Trot and has never seen someone run the race in such an odd fashion.

"Participation has been great since we started doing this 10 years ago," she said. "This year we had about 500 runners, which makes this one of our best years. But no one has ever actually trotted. I'm definitely sure about that."

In point of fact, Hamrick's unusual running style worked in his favor. He came in third place in the Turkey Trot with a time of 17:30, prompting some to question the legality of trotting a turkey trot.

"Look, I'm all in favor of trotting," said runner Todd Westley. "But this offered him a sizeable advantage. Horses trot faster than people run. For all we know, he's been injecting himself with horse DNA for weeks now. He's no better than Lance Armstrong in my mind."

Others expressed concern over the safety of sharing a race with a man who might in fact be a centaur.

"A little girl offered him an apple, but I pulled her away," said Kristi Crumpton, whose husband runs the race each year. "I was afraid he would try to bite her. Horse people are so unpredictable. And they attract flies."

Hamrick insists he wasn't trying to cheat, but that he simply misunderstood the purpose of the race.

"I assumed trotting was part of the rules," he said. "It's not called a turkey run. I figured everyone else just didn't get the memo."

November 22, 2012

Knoxville man thankful he was able to loosen belt

Following a particularly substantial Thanksgiving Day meal, one Knoxville man is just thankful he was able to successfully remove his belt without injury. Larry Kennedy, 54, sustained multiple blows to his pride today when he realized the challenge he would face loosening his pants after his family's annual turkey dinner. Kennedy discovered the predicament somewhere between his third helping of turkey and his fourth glob of sweet potato casserole. "There were a few moments of panic there," he said. "I couldn't reach my belt for the sizeable girth I acquired during the meal. I sort of had to lie down on the floor and turn sideways. And then the belt wouldn't unlatch. I thought my wife was going to have to feed me right there on the floor. Thank God for scissors." Kennedy later announced that he will not be wearing pants when he goes for thirds of dessert.

November 20, 2012

Pigeon Forge man's colon opens Twinkie museum

Jacob Bicknese's colon knew when it was 10-years-old that it wanted to eat Twinkies. Today the five-foot-long member of the digestive system is opening a museum dedicated to the spongy, cream-filled American snack cake. "I've got all these completely undigested Twinkies inside me," the water-extracting organ told reporters today. "They're exactly the same as they were 20 years ago. Now that Hostess is going out of business, it's my responsibility preserve this part of American culture forever. And, let's face it, Twinkies are not hard to preserve." Pigeon Forge officials agreed. "Jacob Bicknese's colon is a treasure trove of undigested food-like substances," said Pigeon Forge Mayor David Wear. "His digestive tract is littered with the remains of potted meat and convenience store staples. This museum is a testament to America's rich culinary heritage. We're lucky to have it."

November 18, 2012

Derek Dooley joins 'brotherhood of traveling orange pants'

Following a stunning 41-18 blowout at the hands of the Vanderbilt Commodores Saturday, University of Tennessee head coach Derek Dooley has joined the brotherhood of the traveling orange pants. Dooley was hired to coach the Vols in 2010 after professional narcissist Lane Kiffin abruptly resigned and took a job at the University of Southern California. As the team's new leader, Dooley discovered a pair of magical orange pants that had been able to fit several other former Tennessee coaches, even though their losing seasons were all different shapes and sizes. The brotherhood of the traveling orange pants remains a touching coming of age fashion statement that has included Johnny Majors, Phil Fulmer, and basketball coach Bruce Pearl as they have dealt with issues in their personal lives as well as the stress of not living up to Tennessee fans' expectations. Dooley and his enchanted trousers will join the elite fraternity effective immediately.

November 16, 2012

Bigfoot spotted at Pigeon Forge outlet mall

Just hours before Knox County Mayor Tim Burchett had planned to announce an event called "Knox County Bigfoot Day," a group of shoppers say they encountered the elusive sasquatch in the fur at a Pigeon Forge factory outlet store.

Two vacationing shoppers told authorities they were terrified when they saw the elusive, ape-like creature coming out of a clothing store with several bags of merchandise.

"I spotted it from across the parking lot," said veteran shopper Trinity Cobb. "At first I thought it was a deer. But then it stood up and looked right at me. Then it started telling me how great the deals were and how this was great practice for Black Friday. I think he had had a couple of caramel lattes too many. I ran straight to my car. I left my Ann Taylor bags right on the sidewalk."

For local bigfoot hunter and "Finding Bigfoot" fan John Coblentz, this sighting seems to be a legitimate one.

"First of all, they got some grainy footage on their cell phones, so that indicates this is a real sighting," he said. "All the real sightings have terrible footage. Secondly, sasquatches are notorious for being thrifty. A lot of these creatures are seen at flea markets and garage sales. I guess it's hard to hold down a job when you're eight feet tall, weigh 500 pounds and are covered in dark reddish-brown hair."

The cast of "Finding Bigfoot" rushed to the scene to interview witnesses and to stock up on their favorite brand name designer fashions at the best advertized prices. The crew plans to scout out several Black Friday sales in the East Tennessee area in hopes of finally catching the mysterious biped. Black Friday shoppers are urged to use precaution if they do encounter the beast next week, as it could totally eat you and your iPad 4 for second breakfast.

The mayor and "Finding Bigfoot" cast are still scheduled to meet with the public at 5-7 p.m. today at Powell Auction house on Pleasant Ridge Road. The free event will feature a bounce house, face painting and a marching band, but no grainy photo booth.

November 15, 2012

White House responds to Tennessee secession petition by laughing for 45 minutes

A petition on the White House website asking the Obama administration to grant Tennessee the right to secede from the union was met by 45 minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Tennessee is one of 50 states that have asked to withdraw from the federal government following the reelection of President Barack Obama. "Oh, it hurts, make it stop," said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney with tears streaming down his cheeks. "Tennessee gets $1.30 from the federal government for every $1 it pays in taxes. The state can't even make budget now. Just wait until Oak Ridge and TVA and the Great Smoky Mountains are gone. I guess the Vols would have a better shot at a national championship though." This is not the first time Tennessee has not gotten its way. In March the Volunteer State threw its peas on the floor when Gov. Bill Haslam refused to let it watch a second episode of "Dinosaur Train."

November 13, 2012

East Tennessee Socialist Party dreading four more years of explaining what socialism is

The East Tennessee branch of the Socialist Party USA today lamented that it will have to spend another four years explaining the actual meaning of socialism. The left wing political party squandered the first four years of the Obama administration hitting its head against a wall and sobbing uncontrollably. "It's bad enough that our presidential candidate Stewart Alexander lost to a moderate capitalist like Barack Obama," said East Tennessee socialist Travis Sanders. "Now we have to waste another four years explaining how Obamacare is socialism the way Crocs are shoes. Seriously, take an introductory political science class, people." Democratic socialist Collin Aper agreed. "We should have spent the last four years bringing big business under public ownership. Instead we've used all of our time explaining to people how dictionaries work. What a waste."

November 11, 2012

Earthquake unable to improve Vols' defense

A 4.3-magnitude earthquake that was felt in Knoxville Saturday afternoon failed to improve the Tennessee football team's defensive line. The quake that struck eight miles west of Whitesburg, Ky. proved incapable of helping the Vols (4-6, 0-6 SEC) overcome Missouri in four overtimes. "The earthquake was a last ditch effort," said Tennessee head football coach Derek Dooly. "We were sort of hoping the tremors would trigger some radioactive materials in Oak Ridge that would give the defensive line super powers. Maybe a few players could have been bitten by radioactive linebackers. Yeah, that didn't work. We're getting more desperate than Donald Trump's hairpiece." This is not the first time the Vols have failed to use a disaster to their advantage. In 2011 the team was unable to convert Charlie Sheen's public meltdown into a winning season.

November 9, 2012

Election-fatigued nation ready to get back to keeping up with Honey Boo Boo, Kardashians

Election-weary citizens of the United States announced today that they are eager to get back to thinking about important things like what the Kardashians are up to and what flavor of Mountain Dew Honey Boo Boo will be having for lunch today.

In the wake of an intense 48 months of election campaigning, the nation's weary soul made known that it is ready to focus on the things in life that matter: celebrity gossip and network television.

"I'm so glad this election stuff is over," said exhausted recipient of 30 second political spots Jessica Bell. "For nearly four years all we've heard about is the economy this and the national debt that and health care the other. Boring boring boring. I'm tired of speculation about whether Paul Ryan can bench press Joe Biden's collection of train sets or whether 18-24 year old men are more likely to vote for Michelle Obama's organic vegetable garden. Just give me some good old fashioned bad parenting on national television."

Following Tuesday's election, the bombarded nation said that it's time to put elections in the past, at least until 2016 presidential campaigning begins next week.

"Human beings are only capable of so much caring about policy issues," said University of Tennessee political science professor Samantha Welch. "There's a threshold for how long we can take it. It's about 45 seconds. After that we need to focus on important things like how Snooki is doing as a parent and secretly wondering if Dr. Dre is ever going to release his 'Detox' album."

American expat Brandon Baker echoed those sentiments.

"Some people move to Canada because their candidate lost," he said. "I moved to get away from the Romney and Obama campaigns. I actually don't even know who won the election yet. Don't really care to be honest. You know what I do care about? Hating 'Star Wars 7.' And also Justin Bieber's biceps. Paul Ryan could have learned a thing or two from those massive guns."

November 8, 2012

Restaurant serving TVA coal ash fails health inspection

A Kingston food establishment featuring cuisine made from coal ash has failed its health inspection test. The popular restaurant, known as Kiss My Ash, opened in 2008 shortly after the Kingston Fossil Plant spill. The eatery is celebrated in East Tennessee for its succulent power plant to table sludge. Several critical violations were detected by the inspector, resulting in a failing score of 58. For example, when the inspector checked the temperature of coal ash in the coal ash cooler, it was 48 degrees. A temperature of 40 degrees or lower is required to prevent bacteria growth. The inspector also found coal ash stored on top of bell peppers, creating the possibility of cross-contamination. Food industry experts say the infractions should have been noticed and corrected by a restaurant manager as part of daily routine. Kiss My Ash is expected to be re-tested later this month.

November 6, 2012

God endorses 91-year-old Oak Ridge woman for president

In a surprise announcement, the omnipotent Creator of the Heavens and the Earth said today that He is endorsing 91-year-old Oak Ridge resident Mildred Cooper for president. The Lord of Hosts, a political independent in his infinitieth term as Supreme Ruler of the Universe, has been sharply critical of both President Barack Obama and Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, saying that both men are complete fools. Writing in an editorial published in "The New York Times" this morning, the Lord of Hosts said that Mildred Cooper "represents the future, not the past." "The election of Mildred Cooper is a matter of great urgency," said the Ancient of Days. "I am in complete agreement with her policy directions. She possesses a keen insight that is both pragmatic and courageous. And she still makes her own cornbread from scratch. That's no poke in the eye with a sharp stick, America."

November 4, 2012

Man narrowly escapes from area conversation

A 27-year-old Knoxville man narrowly escaped from a mind-numbing conversation Saturday before he succumbed to death by monotony. Ryan Kirby was making small talk at a wedding reception east of Farragut when he accidentally steered into the oncoming path of the tedious discussion. Authorities say Kirby's person ended up trapped at a table with a small plate of hors d'oeuvres beneath the weight of social obligation and an utterly pointless exchange about the pros and cons of toilet training pet cats. Luckily Kirby was pulled to safety by a passing Good Samaritan. "He was doing his best to hide how much pain he was in," said 25-year-old hero Meghan Bedford. "But I knew he needed help - and fast. Thank God I got there in time. I don't think he would have lasted much longer under those conditions."

November 2, 2012

Clinton youth accidentally consumes Circus Peanuts candy

The foamy, orange candy that was dropped in one Clinton youth's trick-or-treat bag looked appetizing. But once the confection interacted with his taste buds, 11-year-old Cameron Walz was rushed to the kitchen to drink a gallon of Mountain Dew to get the putrid taste out of his mouth.

Walz encountered Circus Peanuts, a revolting, peanut-shaped marshmallow candy that dates back to the 1800s. Given their unspeakable, horrifying taste, experts assume that most Circus Peanuts in existence today were actually produced at that time.

For Walz, consuming the candy was a mistake he won't soon make again.

"It was horrible," he said. "They tasted like nasty, inedible bananas. But it was malleable and squishy. I can't believe I wasted some perfectly good post-Halloween stomach space on this."

Walz is not the only East Tennessee child who was given the unpalatable, fetid grossness disguised as candy.

"Candy was not meant to be spongy," said 10-year-old Madison Barnett. "It was meant to be delicious. I can only assume that whoever gave these out was using them as insulation in their attic. Either that or somewhere out there, in the same factory that makes black licorice, a witch is cackling."

"It was shaped like a peanut," added 11-year-old Mackenzie Warner. "But it was orange. But the flavor was banana. None of this makes any sense. And why are they called Circus Peanuts? If you gave a lion or tiger one of these, it would eat your head instead. And you would deserve it."

Becky Walz, 33, told reporters she is disappointed with her neighbors, who were clearly never children themselves. But she says she will not press charges under Tennessee's controversial Awful Candy Law.

"I want to be clear," she said. "The candy my son consumed was not poisoned. It was just a foul-tasting capsule of marshmallowy awful. This is definitely a learning moment for our family though. He won't pop candy into his mouth without knowing what it is ever again."

November 1, 2012

Area trick-or-treater confirmed to have moustache

At least one trick-or-treater in a North Knoxville neighborhood last night was equipped with what homeowners describe as a moustache. The youth, who did not appear in costume, was described as possibly old enough to drive a car. "He wasn't dressed as anything, unless you count puberty as a costume," said annoyed candy giver Melissa Reese. "He didn't even say trick or treat. You have to at least go through the motions if you want a petite box of Dots from me." Fourth and Gill resident David Hammond also found the moustache-clad man-child to be out of line. "I'm not sure where the trick-or-treating age limit line is," he said. "But my best guess is that it can be located on a tweenager's upper lip." This is not the first time North Knoxville residents have been plagued by questionable trick-or-treaters. Last year neighbors reported visits from a pregnant cowgirl.