October 26, 2012
Some guy named Gary Johnson still confident he can be president for some reason
According to sources close to some guy named Gary Johnson who is evidently the Libertarian Party nominee for president, the politician seriously still thinks he can win the upcoming election.
Johnson, who at one time received enough votes to be a Governor of New Mexico, was a Republican presidential candidate for a short time in 2011. He dropped out of the race in November after voters managed to take him even less seriously than Ron Paul. Johnson received the Libertarian Party's nomination on May 5 at the Libertarian National Convention, which was held in Jim's mom's basement while she was away for the weekend.
"I'm definitely still in this," said Johnson. "I think I have an excellent chance of winning. I'm a University of Tennessee fan, so I have a lot of confidence."
Johnson is just one of several political third party candidates besides who still think they can win this thing. Others include some lady named Jill Stein, some dude named Stewart Alexander and actress Roseanne Barr. For reals.
"I'm a Republican until I get absolutely crushed in a political contest," said Johnson. "Then I become a Libertarian. And somehow I'm going to win this election despite not receiving a single electoral vote. You might say I believe in freedom. And also magic. And unicorns."
Political scientists say this confidence is typical of third party candidates.
"Third party candidates have a strong tradition of losing so horribly that even the 2012 Charlotte Bobcats laugh at them," said University of Tennessee political science professor Samantha Welch. "But there's a first time for everything. Unless there isn't."
Supporters say they are drawn to Johnson's strong support of weed, as well as his strong support for weed.
"I'm voting for him because I'm a Republican who likes to smoke weed," said Johnson supporter Marcus Kenyon. "Why else would someone vote Libertarian?"
Tracy Marshall agreed.
"If Gary doesn't win, it will be because the two major political parties wouldn't let him debate," Marshall said. "It will have nothing to do with him being a completely unelectable national political candidate."
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