Nation stunned to learn Ross Perot still alive

Earlier this week, citizens of the United States were shocked to discover that billionaire leprechaun and former presidential candidate Ross Perot is still among the living. Perot endorsed Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney Tuesday, saying that as president Romney would be able to protect his magically delicious cereal. "They're always after me Lucky Charms," whimpered Perot to reporters. "It's just not fair. Kids can be so mean." Perot became a billionaire in the 1980s after he found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. He ran a high profile presidential candidacy in 1992 and later ran again in 1996. "Wow, I can't believe that little guy is still around," said undecided voter Staci Parker. "That's so weird. I voted for him in 1992. But then again, I also liked Crystal Pepsi when it came out that year." Perot's ears are scheduled to debate President Barack Obama's ears on Tuesday.