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October 12, 2012

Knoxville scientists decipher IKEA instruction manual hieroglyphics

Researchers in Knoxville have deciphered an instruction manual for a piece of furniture purchased at IKEA, an enigma that has long puzzled archeologists and linguists.

Writing in the journal Twitter today, the husband and wife team say that they can now finally get that damn PAX wardrobe assembled.

The scientists hope their work will help to finally organize all their clothes and shoes, though they remain skeptical they will still be a couple by the end of the ordeal.

"I'd like to think that in the next eight or nine hours we will finally have this piece of furniture put together," said Colleen Siegel of the Self-Assembled Furniture Institute, who led the study. "But whether I will tell my husband this would have been a hell of a lot easier if his mother wasn't such jackass is another question."

Initial analysis seems to suggest that turning those shorter screws through those bracket-type parts will get things started, though Siegel is concerned that the back part could be upside down.

Comparative studies will also shed more light on ow, that's my finger, you're smashing my (expletive deleted) finger, but a key question for the research team is whether that would be a whole lot easier if you turned the Allen wrench the other direction, do I seriously have to do everything?

Some scientists had voiced doubt that the development of oh my God, it is, it's upside down, we will never get those four hours of life back, but as a result of this research, we now know this theory has been proven correct.

However, the research team remains divided over whether they will be able to fasten the finished product to the wall without cracking the drywall since the stud finder works about as well as the Vols' defensive line.

"Our most significant findings reveal not only that these are the worst directions ever produced by a privately held, international furniture company, but also that we still have two of the little pegs left over," said Brad Siegel, a research partner on the project. "Why do we have two little pegs left over?"

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