October 2012 Archives

October 30, 2012

Haunted house debuts broom charging stations

A Knoxville-based haunted house debuted 12 broom charging stations on its property today in preparation for All Hallow's Eve. The residence, which is inhabited by several disembodied evil spirits, will offer the charging stations free of charge to local practitioners of the dark arts. The charging stations are located in a haunted forest adjacent to the property. "These stations offer an exciting opportunity for the East Tennessee spell conjuring community to give something back," said Knoxville apparition Woman in White. "The Creepy House at the End of the Street is committed to reducing our carbon footprint. These broom charging stations will allow local witches the opportunity to recharge their brooms without having to cast powerful black magic, which has been linked to global warming." The general public may also use the stations if they acquire a visitors' permit from the demon hiding in the mailbox.

October 28, 2012

Local trunk-or-treating event as disappointing as expected

A Knoxville church's Saturday trunk-or-treating event was just as much lack of fun as neighborhood children anticipated. The alternative to traditional trick-or-treating took place Saturday from 1-3 p.m. to protect children from Knoxville's notorious serial killer population. "I like dressing up, roaming around in the dark with my friends and gorging myself on a satisfying mixture of chewy, sour and chocolaty candy until I throw up on the sidewalk," said 8-year-old Emma Crear. "Instead I went car to car with my mom. In the middle of the day. In a parking lot. They should have given out toothbrushes and raisins and been done with it." Connor Selbach, 10, agreed. "I had to fish SweeTarts out of the back of some guy's 1987 Toyota Celica," said the miniature Batman. "Yeah, that's a lot safer than going door to door."

October 26, 2012

Some guy named Gary Johnson still confident he can be president for some reason

According to sources close to some guy named Gary Johnson who is evidently the Libertarian Party nominee for president, the politician seriously still thinks he can win the upcoming election.

Johnson, who at one time received enough votes to be a Governor of New Mexico, was a Republican presidential candidate for a short time in 2011. He dropped out of the race in November after voters managed to take him even less seriously than Ron Paul. Johnson received the Libertarian Party's nomination on May 5 at the Libertarian National Convention, which was held in Jim's mom's basement while she was away for the weekend.

"I'm definitely still in this," said Johnson. "I think I have an excellent chance of winning. I'm a University of Tennessee fan, so I have a lot of confidence."

Johnson is just one of several political third party candidates besides who still think they can win this thing. Others include some lady named Jill Stein, some dude named Stewart Alexander and actress Roseanne Barr. For reals.

"I'm a Republican until I get absolutely crushed in a political contest," said Johnson. "Then I become a Libertarian. And somehow I'm going to win this election despite not receiving a single electoral vote. You might say I believe in freedom. And also magic. And unicorns."

Political scientists say this confidence is typical of third party candidates.

"Third party candidates have a strong tradition of losing so horribly that even the 2012 Charlotte Bobcats laugh at them," said University of Tennessee political science professor Samantha Welch. "But there's a first time for everything. Unless there isn't."

Supporters say they are drawn to Johnson's strong support of weed, as well as his strong support for weed.

"I'm voting for him because I'm a Republican who likes to smoke weed," said Johnson supporter Marcus Kenyon. "Why else would someone vote Libertarian?"

Tracy Marshall agreed.

"If Gary doesn't win, it will be because the two major political parties wouldn't let him debate," Marshall said. "It will have nothing to do with him being a completely unelectable national political candidate."

October 25, 2012

Grown man really into 'Weird Al' Yankovic

A local 39-year-old grown adult is into accordionist and parody songwriter "Weird Al" Yankovic at levels that border on terrifying. Bobby Brisson of Knoxville is one of a handful of adult human beings who still know all the words to songs like "Addicted to Spuds" and "Girls Just Want to Have Lunch." "You expect this in an adolescent male whose voice hasn't quite finished changing," said music critic Paul Nix. "But by the time they hit 14, most young people generally discover girls and actual music. I'm not sure what happened in Bobby's case." "Man, he's really into it," said family friend Doogan Snelling. "I mean really into it. Knows all the words and sings them at the top of his lungs. Goes on road trips to concerts. You'd think it was The Beatles. It's hard to believe he's single."

October 23, 2012

Oak Ridge man pretends to not be waiting for penny in change

A local miser pretended to thumb through a magazine at the grocery store checkout counter today in order to receive the one cent of change he was due. Rather than walk away after handing the cashier a $20 bill for his $19.99 purchase, 37-year-old Brent Hoover spent an uncomfortable minute-and-a-half lingering as the employee labored to break open a roll of pennies. "I really wanted that penny," said Hoover. "I earned it. But I didn't want the cashier to think I was cheap. I shouldn't have picked 'Cosmo' though. So much for the lack of awkward." This is not the first time Hoover has pretended to be doing something else in order to save money. Last Tuesday he engaged in a spirited cell phone conversation with no one so he would not have to give a homeless man a ride to Lake City.

October 21, 2012

Area woman embarrassed to have to Google 'YOLO'

A waning, out of touch Knoxville woman desperately turned to Google today to learn the meaning of the acronym 'YOLO.' The popular term is an abbreviation for the phrase "you only live once," which the 26-year-old Lauren McGreevy would have known if she weren't so disturbingly old. The phrase has replaced the Latin aphorism Carpe diem due to America's youth being so dumb when they hear it's chilly outside they get a bowl. "I just graduated like two years ago," said McGreevy. "Oh no, are people even still saying 'like?' I don't know anymore. It won't be long before I'm chugging Metamucil coladas and backing out of my driveway without looking. I can't believe I had to look this up. I am so old." McGreevy has not been this depressed since the word "peeps" entered the popular lexicon.

October 19, 2012

Baseball apparently still a thing

It appears that a sport played between two teams of nine athletes in which the players try to strike a thrown ball with a bat and then run around a series of bases to "score a run" is still a thing that people do.

According to sources close to the sport that seemingly still exists, every year 30 professional teams in an entity called Major League Baseball each play 162 games annually from April until October.

"It's hard to believe, but baseball really does still exist," said cultural anthropologist Jim Percy. "A lot of people still sit in the stands and sing a song about Cracker Jacks while they wait on something to happen. I think they call it a thinking man's game because everyone is thinking about somewhere they'd rather be."

Percy says that players on the batting team take turns trying to hit the ball at the players of the fielding team. If a player successfully hits the ball, he tries to touch a series of four bases arranged in a diamond. A player scores if he can touch all four bases without "getting out." Teams alternate between batting and fielding nine times over the course of a game.

Percy says that this process can take hours and is really boring. He believes the game is still chugging along to give people something to do when soccer isn't on and until football season can start back up again.

Reactions to the continued existence of the sport have been mixed.

"I didn't realize that it was even still around," confessed sports enthusiast Greg Haley. "I thought people stopped playing it back around the time that cell phones and laptops came out. That's really weird. I'm not sure how I feel about it, to tell you the truth."

"Baseball," added not baseball fan Maddy Swanson. "Huh? Isn't that that game where people stand around wearing huge mittens and wait all day for some guy to hit a ball with a big stick? People are really still into that? I thought everyone watched football and 'Honey Boo Boo' now."

October 18, 2012

Nation stunned to learn Ross Perot still alive

Earlier this week, citizens of the United States were shocked to discover that billionaire leprechaun and former presidential candidate Ross Perot is still among the living. Perot endorsed Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney Tuesday, saying that as president Romney would be able to protect his magically delicious cereal. "They're always after me Lucky Charms," whimpered Perot to reporters. "It's just not fair. Kids can be so mean." Perot became a billionaire in the 1980s after he found a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. He ran a high profile presidential candidacy in 1992 and later ran again in 1996. "Wow, I can't believe that little guy is still around," said undecided voter Staci Parker. "That's so weird. I voted for him in 1992. But then again, I also liked Crystal Pepsi when it came out that year." Perot's ears are scheduled to debate President Barack Obama's ears on Tuesday.

October 16, 2012

Exhausted nation grows weary of writing Tennessee politicians hate mail

Following revelations that pro-life congressman Scott DesJarlais once urged a mistress to get an abortion, a fatigued nation burst into tears today at the prospect of having to write another piece of hate mail to a Tennessee politician. "We just can't do it again," said the country's exhausted authors of indignation. "We've developed a mild case of carpal tunnel from the combination of our typed rage and the pressure on the median nerve. Between Julia Hurley's whittling skills and Stacey Campfield having a mouth we're a complete basket case." The worn out nation also complained about always getting back a form letter that says, "Your comments are important to me and I look forward to seeing the result of these discussions and hope that a thoughtful compromise is possible." "What kind of a response is that to 'I think you are the antichrist?'" the furious nation is just dying to know.

October 14, 2012

University of Tennessee fans enter second stage of grief

University of Tennessee football fans announce today that they have officially entered anger, the second of five stages of grief associated with the Kübler-Ross theory. Fans were previously in denial, the first stage of grief, but quickly transitioned to the second stage following a 31-41 loss to Mississippi State last night. "Denial is characterized by a refusal to accept the reality of the situation, for instance that the season is for all intents and purposes over," said Knoxville psychologist Jenna Bruner. "But once an individual realizes that denial cannot continue, they manifest anger with themselves or others. In this case fans have become enraged at Derek Dooley and his orange pants." UT fans are soon expected to bargain with God. They will later move to depression and finally acceptance. The Kübler-Ross theory was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, whose research on grief was inspired by her time as a Cubs fan.

October 12, 2012

Knoxville scientists decipher IKEA instruction manual hieroglyphics

Researchers in Knoxville have deciphered an instruction manual for a piece of furniture purchased at IKEA, an enigma that has long puzzled archeologists and linguists.

Writing in the journal Twitter today, the husband and wife team say that they can now finally get that damn PAX wardrobe assembled.

The scientists hope their work will help to finally organize all their clothes and shoes, though they remain skeptical they will still be a couple by the end of the ordeal.

"I'd like to think that in the next eight or nine hours we will finally have this piece of furniture put together," said Colleen Siegel of the Self-Assembled Furniture Institute, who led the study. "But whether I will tell my husband this would have been a hell of a lot easier if his mother wasn't such jackass is another question."

Initial analysis seems to suggest that turning those shorter screws through those bracket-type parts will get things started, though Siegel is concerned that the back part could be upside down.

Comparative studies will also shed more light on ow, that's my finger, you're smashing my (expletive deleted) finger, but a key question for the research team is whether that would be a whole lot easier if you turned the Allen wrench the other direction, do I seriously have to do everything?

Some scientists had voiced doubt that the development of oh my God, it is, it's upside down, we will never get those four hours of life back, but as a result of this research, we now know this theory has been proven correct.

However, the research team remains divided over whether they will be able to fasten the finished product to the wall without cracking the drywall since the stud finder works about as well as the Vols' defensive line.

"Our most significant findings reveal not only that these are the worst directions ever produced by a privately held, international furniture company, but also that we still have two of the little pegs left over," said Brad Siegel, a research partner on the project. "Why do we have two little pegs left over?"

October 11, 2012

Mitt Romney debate performance wins Booker Prize for Fiction

An Oct. 3 debate performance by Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney won the prestigious Man Booker prize for fiction today. Normally the award is given to a novel written by a writer who is a citizen of the citizen of the Commonwealth of Nations, Ireland or Zimbabwe. This year marks the first time the prize has been given to an American politician for lying his ass off. "The best fiction writers can make up a story that people will believe," said chair of judges Aella Cunningham. "Romney certainly achieved that last week with his masterful spinning of tales. It was a stunning achievement." Literary critic Nigel Price agreed. "The great thing about Mitt Romney as a character is that he can play his own literary foil," he said "For every position he holds, he also holds the exact opposite position. Why just this week he managed to change his position on abortion in the span of a single day. It's genius."

October 9, 2012

Woman who was told 'bless your heart' not sure if she should be insulted

A woman who is visiting relatives in East Tennessee is not sure if she was empathized with or insulted in a completely condescending manner. Betsy Stambaugh, 29, attended an Athens church Sunday, where she received the possibly passive-aggressive comment. "An old lady told me, 'Well, bless your heart' when I mentioned I was a Lutheran from Wisconsin," said Stambaugh. "What does that even mean? Was I just insulted really politely? Part of me wanted to throw a hymnal at her, but I was afraid it would get stuck in her flowery hat." It was not the first time Stambaugh has been confused by Tennessee. In 2009 she mistook her grandmother's deep freezer for an electric coffin.

October 7, 2012

Area man disowned by family for displaying novelty testicles on truck

A Knoxville man has been thrown out of his family for displaying a replica of a novelty pair of testicles from the rear bumper of his truck. Jonathan Glass, 29, has been shunned by his mother and father for owning the disturbingly realistic plastic component of the male reproductive system. "I raised him better than this," said mortified mother of two Linda Glass. "He should put a pair of pants on that truck. If it was Michelangelo's David sculpture, then maybe it would be OK. But honestly, it's just a Chevy." Jonathan's former father, Ronald Glass, agreed. "Our younger son is in jail for armed robbery and a double homicide, but at least he isn't tacky. Why couldn't Jonathan be more like him?"

October 5, 2012

South Knoxville man receives moustache transplant

Growing up in South Knoxville, Jeeter Duncan and Jimmy Claiborne shared just about everything.

The two friends grew up on the same street, went to the same elementary school, even blew up frogs with bottle rockets and pummeled cans of Sun Drop with baseball bats together.

"We even put a snake in old Miss Bryson's mailbox," said Claiborne.

Now as adults, the two boyhood friends share something else -- a moustache. On Oct. 3, they were both admitted into UT Medical Center for an operation that saved Duncan's upper lip.

"I'm not a hero," said the 45-year old Claiborne. "I'm just old school. This is how my mama raised me."

As adults, the men took deviating paths. Duncan dropped out of high school and opened up a bait shop. Claiborne became a Democrat.

But through it all, the two stayed in touch. They kept up with each other through the decades - in recent years on MySpace, which the two still use for some reason.

Two weeks ago, Duncan, also 45, lost his moustache when his estranged wife shaved it off in a fit of rage.

Claiborne called Duncan frequently with encouragement as his friend waited for a donor. But Duncan was scared.

"I had no family members that matched, and those waiting lists can take years," he said.

Claiborne's decision wasn't made flippantly. He called a family meeting with his wife and three children.

"I told her I was thinking about it," said Claiborne. "She said, 'Yes, please, God. I would pay you.'"

Duncan was shocked when Claiborne gave him the news. Duncan initially told him no. But Claiborne refused to back down.

"He just called me and said 'I want to give you my moustache,'" said Duncan. "I couldn't believe it. And you know what? I would do the same for him in a New Market minute."

"A friendship like this you don't take lightly," added Duncan. "How many people would give you the moustache right off their face? Not many, I'll tell you that right now."

October 4, 2012

Niota's Short Street honored for its vibrant mix of stop sign and house

A house, a stop sign, a sidewalk, even a pothole - Short Street in downtown Niota offers a lively mix of absolutely nothing and mind-numbing tedium. The tiny McMinn County thoroughfare was recognized by the American Planning Association this week as a Second-Rate Street. Short Street was one of 10 streets nationwide to receive the honor. The not-for-profit organization said in a news release that the 50-foot stretch of roadway was singled out because of its well-preserved pointlessness and its occasional contribution to old Miss Sullivan's afternoon walk. Davis Parker, executive director of the APA, named other factors including a drainage grate and a piece of bubble gum stuck to a mailbox as factors in Short Street's acclamation. Other streets recognized by the organization include Cooter Webb's driveway and that one alley behind Wal-Mart.

October 2, 2012

Dexter to kill off people who leaked season 6 'Dexter' spoilers

Fictional serial killer Dexter Morgan has announced plans to execute individuals who divulged season 6 spoilers during the current 7th season of his popular Showtime series. Morgan recently heard the cry of innocents who had the ending of season 6 spoiled for them before they had finished watching it on DVD by people who are inconsiderate sea donkeys. The imaginary blood spatter analyst agreed that such behavior is inexcusable. "Season 6 was only released on DVD in mid-August," said Morgan. "Not everyone has Showtime, you know. And Netflix has perpetually had a very long queue wait since then. Needless to say, my Dark Passenger doesn't care about criminals anymore. Now he's just interested in lamewads who don't know how to keep their mouths shut. And I am more than happy to indulge him." Morgan also said he plans to eliminate Jenna Maroney from "30 Rock" for not going away already.