Vols to defend against Akron football team by making fun of it

Tennessee's third home football game of the season will pit the Vols against Akron, which is apparently an actual college football team that exists.

The Vols come into the game with a 2-1 record after a loss against Florida at home last week. Tennessee plans to win this week's contest by making fun of the other team and hurting its feelings.

"Normally our strategy is to have a good running game, a good passing game, a good defensive game, something along those lines," said Tennessee head football coach Derek Dooley. "Today we're probably just going to laugh at the other team. We're going to be all like, 'Hey, where's Akron? Does your town need to borrow some stoplights and culture? Even my orange pants laugh at Akron.'"

The Zips hail from the University of Akron, which Google confirms to be a legitimate public research university in Akron, Ohio. Google also confirms the city of Akron to be a genuine place that was not made up by a fantasy or science fiction author.

The Vols plan to use this information to their advantage on the football field tomorrow.

"Supposedly Akron is a bigger city than Knoxville," said 21-year-old Vols fan Chelsea Mynatt. "And apparently Arkon is located in Ohio or somewhere. And it has a college. I dunno. It all sounds pretty sketch to me. Weirdly people who don't live in Knoxville have heard of us. So there's that."

"We're playing a team called the Zips," agreed UT sophomore Cody Bryson. "I spent the week thinking that their mascot was either a shirt caught in a zipper or some compressed JPEG images. I was very intimidated."

"I plan to ask this team why they are named after a pulley suspended on an inclined cable," said freshman James Caraco. "Are we supposed to use them to access remote rainforest canopies? If so, that is the worst moniker for a team ever."

Akron is 1-2 on the season, having lost games to the University of Central Florida and Florida International University, which are confirmed to be real college football teams as well.