September 7, 2012
MC Hammer's pants to perform at tonight's Tennessee Valley Fair
A pair of unreasonably baggy pants will perform in concert tonight at the opening of the Tennessee Valley Fair.
The pair of large golden trousers is expected to be joined onstage by MC Hammer, a popular rapper from the 1980s and 1990s who is known for such hits as "U Can't Touch These Pants" and "2 Legit 2 Take Off These Baggy Pants."
The pair of pants gained international notoriety after their occupant was able to breakdance in them without being blown headfirst into traffic by a gust of wind.
Many fans have expressed their enthusiasm for the slacks' performance.
"Knoxville hasn't been this excited about a pair of pants since Derek Dooley's orange trousers made it to Hollywood in 'American Idol,'" said pants' fan Staci Tolbert. "Sadly those carroty pants were just aight for Randy Jackson. In fairness, they were pretty pitchy."
The pants are one of several acts appearing at the 93rd annual Tennessee Valley Fair. Also taking the stage will be Kip Moore's hat and David Nail's trusty man stubble.
But Knoxville music fans say they are most looking forward to the pants. The trousers have not toured since they became angry at constantly being called parachute pants.
"Look, we aren't parachute pants," the trousers told MTV in 2007. "How many times do we have to explain this? We are baggy pants that are tapered at the ankle. Just because we are shiny and metallic and parachutey doesn't make us parachute pants. Although we are big enough that we could technically be used as a parachute."
The fair's farmer and hipster elements have expressed their concern about the concert, however.
"Those pants have a lot of fabric," said local hipster Mason Foss. "They should look into becoming skinny jeans. They aren't easy to dance in. But they could at least grow a beard and read Pitchfork and roll their own cigarettes."
"Evidently someone made a mistake making the pants," added farmer Dale Patton. "All the fabric is concentrated in the crotch area. It's just weird. That's a good way to get something caught in some farm equipment."
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