August 17, 2012
Congress enjoying five week vacation from its vacation
Two weeks after excusing themselves for a much needed five week vacation, the nation's legislators say they are starting to recover from all the nothing they have been doing.
"You'd think that not doing anything all the time would be pretty relaxing," said Senator Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn. "But it's utterly exhausting. There's so much preparation that goes into it. You have to really dig your heels in and take an ideological stance regardless of the fact that you are completely destroying the country."
The country's bicameral legislature adjourned on Thursday, Aug. 2 for more than a month after failing to help livestock producers suffering from drought and not passing legislation to protect the country's industries from cyber attacks.
"Shouting 'no' all the time really takes it out of you," said Rep. Jim Cooper, D-Tenn. "No wonder toddlers need so many naps. I was completely ready for this break. This 'Fifty Shades of Grey' book is really something."
Other critical issues the 112th Congress has failed to address include whether to eat the country's toast with the butter side up or down, where to find the Daedric Bow in "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim," and how to get rid of those yellow stains on the nation's incisors.
Congress did manage to find time to rename 60 post-office branches and also attempted to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act for the 33rd time.
"It took us 18 months just to order pizza," said Rep. John Duncan, R-Tenn. "We couldn't figure out how to pay for it. We Republicans wanted to cut taxes for people making over $250,000 to stimulate the economy. Democrats wanted to raise taxes on those same folks and pay for the pizza that way. Finally a woman from the House gallery felt sorry for us and paid for it herself. She had to pick the toppings as well, since Dennis Kucinich is a vegan and Betty Sutton is a vegetarian. Leave it to Ohio to cause problems. It's bad enough they eat spaghetti with chili on it."
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