August 2012 Archives

August 31, 2012

Car wash raises money for Vols to buy better football team

Cars were covered in soap suds Thursday in the Neyland Stadium parking lot on the University of Tennessee campus, as part of a special fundraiser to help the Vols buy an actual football team.

Donna Vieth, a concerned citizen and football fan, said about 40 lowercase "v" volunteers gathered to help wash cars.

Vieth said the event started took shape after the Vols lost to Kentucky last year in Lexington.

"We can understand Tennessee's basketball team losing to Kentucky's basketball team," she said. "But Tennessee's football team should not be losing football games to Kentucky's basketball team. Not nobody, not nohow are we going to put up with that."

"The Vols didn't rank in the top 25 teams this year, partially because we spent so much of the 2011 season losing games to other teams," said Tim Swinney, one of the fans who spent the day washing cars. "We are hoping that our efforts will change that. If not, at least several people will have clean cars."

The team of car washers scrubbed from 10 a.m. - 4 p.m. and cleaned hundreds of vehicles. Vieth said that the day's proceeds are still being counted. But so far they have tallied at least $20,000. Peyton Manning also stopped by and offered to rejoin the team if it would help.

"Technically you can't offer cash incentives to get players to join your team," said Veith. "But the NCAA has made an exception this year because they are so genuinely embarrassed for us."

Veith said the funds will be given to the Vols later this afternoon, just in time for the new team to be assembled for tonight's game against NC State at the Georgia Dome.

"I don't think people understand what these type of losing seasons do to fans," said Swinney. "We have to do something. We don't want to end up like the Knoxville Nighthawks. Seriously, did you know Knoxville has an indoor football team? The Vols may need to play them a few times so they can remember what winning looks like."

August 30, 2012

Cash mob to benefit Campbell County meth lab

A LaFollette group is planning a "cash mob" to support a local methamphetamine lab on Saturday. The coalition of LaFollette twenty-somethings announced that the event will take place from 11 a.m. until 4 p.m. on Saturday at Ricky Shubert's trailer. Cash mobs are designed to promote local businesses by asking customers to visit a designated business on a specified day. "Ricky is no Walter White, you know," said Jim Enright, one of the cash mob's organizers. "He's not even Nancy Botwin. He really needs all the help he can get." Enright expects that the event will boost Shubert's sales significantly. Local police say they aren't so sure. "This seems like a terrible idea, quite frankly," said LaFollette Police Chief Charlie McCarty. "It will be a great day for my department though. They probably shouldn't have talked to the media about it."

August 28, 2012

Congressional Representative Todd Akin releases rap album with Eminem

Fans of Todd Akin and misogyny are expected to download the Congressional Representative's new rap album with Eminem in record numbers. Akin recorded "Incumbent4Life," which debuts today, in a 72-hour recording session at a Nashville recording studio. The release has been highly anticipated since Akin generated controversy with the album's first single, on which he raps about what he calls "legitimate rape." Many Republicans, who have a history of denouncing violence and misogyny in rap music, have been curiously supportive of the album. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee gave it five mics and said "this record combines the visceral rage of the legislative chamber with an aura of brutal gangsterism." On the album, Akin also boasts about voting against federally-funded school breakfasts and lunches for poor children. On another track he calls student loans "a stage-three cancer," rhyming the phrase with "Socialism enhancer" and "Tea Party romancer." The record features a guest appearance by Tennessee state senator Lil Campy, who successfully rhymes "AIDS came from a monkey" with "my beats is hella funky."

August 26, 2012

Nude Prince Harry to appear at Asheville topless rally

Nine days after Prince Harry appeared playing billiards naked in Las Vegas, the 27-year-old nudist is scheduled to appear at a rally for topless rights in downtown Asheville. The rally is being held today by the organization GoTopless.org. The group says that laws and social stigmas against women baring their breasts in public are unfair. Prince Harry says he supports the cause, but mostly just wants to check being naked in all 50 U.S. states off his bucket list. "This is going to be great," Harry told a group of reporters. "I won't even have to make any jokes about balls while losing at pool. Just remember, what happens in Asheville stays in Asheville." Harry is rumored to appear in East Tennessee later in the week, where he will help a Knoxville man who routinely cuts down trees with a chainsaw while nude.

August 24, 2012

Illinois man gets lost on way to Murrvull

A man from the Prairie State looking for Maryville says he has become confused after hearing multiple references to another city called Murrvull.

Will Copeland, 41, started driving to East Tennessee Thursday to spend a few days with his family in Blount County. But after taking a wrong turn near Alcoa, he stopped at a convenience store to ask for directions. That's when things got strange.

"I asked if I was on the right road to get to Maryville," said Copeland. "The cashier said that I had missed my turn a few miles back and explained a better way to get there. But then she started talking about a place called Murrvull. It was really weird. I didn't know what to do. It's like she was trying to mess with me on purpose."

Copeland got back into his vehicle and started for what he thought was Maryville. But he decided to stop and ask for directions a second time.

"The same thing happened," he said. "The guy was giving me directions, but then he started talking about this Murrvull. It sounded kind of like where I was going, but Maryville and Murrvull are obviously two different places. I thought maybe they were playing some kind of prank on me because I'm a Yankee."

Confused, Copeland decided to follow the directions to Murrvull as though it were the same city as Maryville. The strategy worked, or so he believes.

"Here I am in Maryville," he said. "At least I think I am. Apparently it's really Murrvull. Or something. I don't get it. All the signs say Maryville. All the people call it Murrvull. I don't know who to believe anymore. If Robert Stack was still alive, he'd be all over this. Fortunately I head back to Chicahgo in a few days. Things make sense there."

This isn't the first time Copeland has experienced difficulties getting around East Tennessee. He has had similar problems trying to locate the cities of Nogsvull and Chatnoogy.

August 23, 2012

Knoxville panel OKs $250K to lure hipsters to Market Street

On a first reading Tuesday, Knoxville City Council approved putting $250,000 toward a grant to help developers bring hipsters to downtown. A publicly traded retail company plans to open a store at the Arnstein Building at 501 Market Street in the spring of 2013 catering to ironic people who refuse to shower and wear big framed glasses. The store is expected to carry 90s sitcom tees, moustache wall clocks and metrosexuality. "I'm really excited, in a completely disinterested way," said hipster Mason Foss. "I've been looking for a place to buy jeans that cost $5,000 to fit my little toothpick legs. Maybe they'll also have scarves that look like moustaches that are highly regarded by Pitchfork." "I thought hipsters shopped at thrift stores," said a man who will not be cool enough to shop with the Market Street hipsters. "I'm so confused."

August 21, 2012

Vols open season at No. 20 in AP Party Poll

KNOXVILLE - The University of Tennessee Vols open the 2012 partying season ranked No. 20 in the AP Top 25 Party Poll announced Monday. West Virginia University will enter 2012 as the top-ranked team after finishing 6th for the season in 2011. "We've got a pretty good team this year," said Vols drinking coach Justin Tolbert. "But we're definitely not the '01 Vols. I don't know if we'll ever get that trashed again. We were in the zone that year. Well, I guess. Most of the team blacked out so much they don't even remember it. Too bad it wasn't captured forever on Facebook." The 2012 season promises to be a challenge considering Tennessee's lack of a bench, but the team says it is ready. "We didn't come here to be underdogs," Alex Tate, a special teams drinker said Monday. "But it's good to see we're back where we're supposed to be, lying on the bathroom floor talking to Agnes the toilet bowl."

August 19, 2012

Sorority Village features stores selling black pants and extinct letters

While the University of Tennessee's Sorority Village won't be completed until 2013, already the collegiate gated community has opened new stores selling black leggings and letters from an antiquated alphabet. Zeta Beta Theta Chapter President Brittany Jessel said her black pants will perfectly match the friends she just bought. "My new friends cost $600 a semester," said Jessel. "That's almost as much as I would pay for books if I could read. Oooh, our sorority name rhymes. Shiny." Delta Rho Rho sister Hannah Kout said she is looking forward to purchasing some obsolete letters with her new sisters. "We're going to be like The Others, only with a lot more drinking and sleeping around," said Kout. "I wonder who the smoke monster will be. Probably Courtney. She's such a bitch."

August 17, 2012

Congress enjoying five week vacation from its vacation

Two weeks after excusing themselves for a much needed five week vacation, the nation's legislators say they are starting to recover from all the nothing they have been doing.

"You'd think that not doing anything all the time would be pretty relaxing," said Senator Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn. "But it's utterly exhausting. There's so much preparation that goes into it. You have to really dig your heels in and take an ideological stance regardless of the fact that you are completely destroying the country."

The country's bicameral legislature adjourned on Thursday, Aug. 2 for more than a month after failing to help livestock producers suffering from drought and not passing legislation to protect the country's industries from cyber attacks.

"Shouting 'no' all the time really takes it out of you," said Rep. Jim Cooper, D-Tenn. "No wonder toddlers need so many naps. I was completely ready for this break. This 'Fifty Shades of Grey' book is really something."

Other critical issues the 112th Congress has failed to address include whether to eat the country's toast with the butter side up or down, where to find the Daedric Bow in "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim," and how to get rid of those yellow stains on the nation's incisors.

Congress did manage to find time to rename 60 post-office branches and also attempted to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act for the 33rd time.

"It took us 18 months just to order pizza," said Rep. John Duncan, R-Tenn. "We couldn't figure out how to pay for it. We Republicans wanted to cut taxes for people making over $250,000 to stimulate the economy. Democrats wanted to raise taxes on those same folks and pay for the pizza that way. Finally a woman from the House gallery felt sorry for us and paid for it herself. She had to pick the toppings as well, since Dennis Kucinich is a vegan and Betty Sutton is a vegetarian. Leave it to Ohio to cause problems. It's bad enough they eat spaghetti with chili on it."

August 16, 2012

Romney accidentally picks Democrat Paul Ryan as running mate

Republican Mitt Romney reset the race for the presidency Saturday by accidentally choosing Democrat Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin for his running mate. Since Ryan was elected to Congress in 1999, he has voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, the biggest Medicare expansion in U.S. history, a highway bill that included the "Bridge to Nowhere," and for loans to help rescue the auto industry, earning him lifetime membership in the Democratic Party. "Well, I'm just thrilled to be honest," president Barack Obama told reporters. "Here's a guy who has voted for some of my key economic policies. And even though he didn't vote for the Recovery Act, he managed to take millions of the funds back to Wisconsin to help stimulate the economy. If Romney hadn't picked him for his running mate, I probably would have. I mean, have you seen Joe Biden play basketball? That guy can't set a pick to save his life."

August 14, 2012

Knoxville's Jimmy Haslam buys 2016 Olympics

RIO DE JANEIRO - Jimmy Haslam, president of Knoxville's Pilot Travel Centers, has successfully completed negotiations to buy the 2016 Olympics. Haslam is reportedly paying in excess of $11ty jillion, plus a coupon for a free 16-ounce beverage, for the Games of the XXXI Olympiad, which will be held in Brazil from Aug. 5-21, 2016. Majority owner Rio de Janeiro agreed to sell a majority stake in the 2016 Olympics to Haslam. "This is a very exciting time for my family and I," Haslam told reporters. "We can't get enough of Missy Franklin and Gabby Douglas. Don't get me wrong, those Google Doodles games will hopefully tide me over for the next four years. I've actually been playing the soccer one for 72 hours straight now. I'm going to get three stars if it kills me. Stupid goalie."

August 12, 2012

Knoxville Sunday school reading assignment stirs up controversy

A recent reading assignment in an East Tennessee Sunday school class has at least one student's parents up in arms. Students at the Fourth Baptist Church in West Knoxville were assigned a book called the New International Version of the Bible. Matthew Macy, the parent of a 14-year-old high school freshman, is calling the text "inappropriate" and says it never should have been part of the Sunday school's curriculum. Macy pointed out one sentence on page 854 that reads, "Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks." "My son is only 14," said Macy. "But he's reading stories about concubines being cut into 12 pieces and all of humanity being drowned except for a guy in a floating zoo and bears mauling people who make fun of bald men. Well, honestly, I can kind of get behind that bear one. But, yeah, and I thought Daniel Wilson's book 'Robopocalypse' being part of my son's English curriculum was rough."

August 10, 2012

Two strangers finally come down from Rocky Top

A Great Smoky Mountains National Park ranger located two strangers Thursday who had climbed on Rocky Top looking for a moonshine still. The two men had been missing for 45 years.

Donald Henegar, 70, and Paul Morris, 68, had poison ivy and alcoholic liver disease, but were otherwise healthy after spending nearly half a century on good ole Rocky Top down in the Tennessee hills.

The two men disappeared somewhere in the Smoky Mountains in the summer of 1967. Henegar and Morris had received a tip from a friend that there was excellent whiskey to be had in a mysterious mountain paradise known only as Rocky Top.

The two explorers went looking for Rocky Top, but lost the trail. They then stumbled into a valley where they were taken prisoner by men who believed them to be federal agents.

"It was all a big misunderstanding," said Henegar. "The moonshiners thought we were revenue agents. We just wanted some of that Tennessee hooch. After we cleared things up, we decided to stay on good ole Rocky Top for a while. I think we've been drunk for about 40 years."

The two men lived on Rocky Top for decades, but finally decided to return home after learning that Knoxville had gotten a Trader Joe's.

"It was like Shangri-La there," said Morris. "No smoggy smoke. No telephone bills. No cramped up city life. No dried chili mango though. That's what finally brought us down."

Henegar and Morris said they will remember their time on Rocky Top fondly.

"I had me this girl who was wild as a mink but sweet as soda pop," said Morris. "Whatever pop is. Sounds like something you'd drink in Indiana. Come to think of it, I don't know what a mink is either. Who comes up with this stuff?"

The two said they are looking forward to returning home to their friends and families, who are probably long dead by now.

"We've had one heck of a lot of crazy adventures," said Morris. "They should write a country song about us."

August 9, 2012

Knoxville furniture store celebrates 20 years of going out of business

A North Knoxville furniture store is celebrating its 20th year of going out of business Thursday and what made for a successful going out of business sale in 1992 continues to make for a successful going out of business sale in 2012. "Customers like the fact that their parents and grandparents have taken advantage of these outstanding, once in a lifetime savings," Marble City Furniture Direct business manager Todd Yucel said. "Everything must go, down to the light fixtures." There has been a steady decline in the store's going out of business for the past two decades, Yucel said, noting that it is a slump many perpetually closing furniture stores have experienced in what is a very competitive industry. "Going out of business has definitely been down," agreed Devon Bauer, vice president of the company. "Really, ever since The Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia broke up it's been tough. But especially these past seven or eight years."

August 7, 2012

Y-12 protestors uncover Colonel's secret blend of eleven herbs and spices

Three peace activists, including Sister Maggie Oaks, an 82-year-old nun, have succeeded in uncovering a top secret blend of 11 herbs and spices long-believed to give a Kentucky-based chicken recipe its delicious flavor. The three elderly ninjas uncovered the highly classified information Monday by passing through two feet of concrete bricks, disabling motion sensors, disarming a small army, and simultaneously entering two keys and two pin numbers into a bolted down safe. "It wasn't easy," commented one of the shadowy operatives. "Breaking into Y-12's security was much easier. And that breach wasn't nearly as tasty." This is not the first time the peace activists have gained access to clandestine information. In 2009 the trio discovered the subject of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" by hiding in Jimmy Hoffa's body.

August 5, 2012

Kimberly-Clark wants to be mayor to stay in Knoxville city limits

A request from Kimberly Clark Corp. to be Knoxville's new mayor will go before City Council Tuesday. If approved, the proposal would keep the company in the city limits for the next five years. "This deal would make Kimberly Clark Corp. the new mayor of Knoxville effective immediately," said Benjamin Pitts, Knoxville director of honoring blackmail. "It would also ensure that the company remains in Knoxville for the foreseeable future. Or at least until it demands the city build it a football stadium." The proposal would also give the company a lifetime supply of GooGoo Clusters. Kimberly Clark announced in 2011 that it planned to leave Knoxville's downtown due to imaginary parking limitations. City officials promised that locally owned businesses in Knoxville could expect similar sweetheart deals, but they were laughing when they said it.

August 3, 2012

Cat Lady super villain terrorizes East Tennessee with dander, litter box smell

Debra Vickstein of Knoxville is no Catwoman. She doesn't wear leather spandex and heels. She doesn't carry a whip. She doesn't commit burglaries or fight Batman. Mostly she just has a lot of cats.

Even so, Vickstein has been giving the local superhero community a run for its money. Better known by her alter ego, Cat Lady, the 57-year-old pet lover has dozens of cats living in her three bedroom ranch-style home.

Dressed in her purple bathrobe and matching cat slippers, Cat Lady spends her time hoarding newspapers and plotting how to acquire more cats.

"It's creepy as hell," said Sunsphero, a member of Knoxville's crime fighting community. "Six or seven cats are fine. I can even understand eight. After that, it starts getting kind of scary. Personally I'd be afraid they'd all decide to attack and eat me while I was asleep."

Cat Lady's origin story states that her parents would not let her have pets growing up. Driven mad by the emotional turmoil, Cat Lady went on to acquire as many cats as possible after she became an adult to spite them.

East Tennessee's superheroes caution that she is highly unstable.

"She's one of the most dangerous villains in my rogues' gallery," said the Scruffy Little City Lad. "My weakness is asthma, so I have to be extremely careful in her lair. The dander hits my lungs and I start wheezing like crazy. It only takes a few minutes and I'm completely incapacitated. I have an inhaler, but my mom says it's better to be on the safe side."

"The smell is paralyzing," agreed Market Square Man. "It's like a giant litter box. I don't know how she can stand to live there. You can smell it several blocks away. It's so gross."

However, East Tennessee's heroes say they have figured out Cat Lady's Achilles' heel.

"We know her weakness now," said Sunsphero. "It's the sound of dogs barking. You should see those cats move when they hear it. It's a little bit hilarious."

August 2, 2012

Wendy's Baconator sandwich demands paternity test

A massive sandwich made up of two four-ounce hamburger patties, six slices of Applewood bacon, mayonnaise, ketchup and American cheese, and served on a buttered, toasted bun is reportedly reeling after learning that he has become a father. Wendy's Baconator hamburger has allegedly asked for a paternity test to prove that the restaurant's new Son of Baconator is in fact his offspring. "This is a huge shock for Baconator," said Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe. "I know about my sordid family history. But Baconator is not convinced that a sandwich with only two 2.25-ounce patties and four slices of bacon could be his son." Curiously, the Son of Baconator is unsure of his parentage as well. "It seems odd," said the heart attack on a bun. "I always thought The 'W' was my dad. I know he doesn't have any bacon, but bacon is a recessive gene and has been known to skip a generation."