July 6, 2012
Fountain City Lake hosts Olympic swim team practice
Members of the U.S. Olympic swim team traveled to Knoxville Thursday to practice before flying to London to compete. The athletes will spend the next several days swimming in the murky waters of Fountain City Lake to prepare for the London Games. Only one team member has been lost so far in the hideous sludge of feathers and bird poop.
"We were extremely excited to host the swim team here in Fountain City," said the facility's Director of Ooze Sarah Brock. "Our lake's muck is comparable to some of the best in the world."
Boasting a ratio of 75 percent biohazardous waterfowl glop to 25 percent water, the small lake is patrolled by menacing ducks who are known for beating motorists with tire irons.
The swim team chose the lake because they say it best matches the conditions they will find in England.
"In my initial 200-meter butterfly warm-up, a duck swam over to me and hit me with a bat," said a noticeably shaken Michael Phelps. "A freaking bat. I mean, what the hell, man? Nothing like that happened in Omaha."
Other East Tennessee locations were considered for the team's practices, but it was Fountain City Lake that won out.
"We considered the Lost Sea for a while," said Phelps. "But those fish are creepy. And we also heard that Batman uses the place as a Batcave in the summer since Gotham City is so damn hot. But I don't think he was counting on it being 110 degrees down here either."
Other locations considered by the Olympic hopefuls were Mead's Quarry Lake, Dollywood Splash Country and the Tennessee River itself.
"They were thinking about Splash Country, but I warned them about that place," said Phelps. "Some of those little kids totally hog all the water slides. I was there once and this kid was such a jerk. He called me fat and told me to shave my back. But he was kind of a chunk himself to be honest. Doritos are a sometimes food, little man."
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