Forecast: Oh my God oh my God it's so hot oh my God

Oh my God, oh my God, it is so hot outside I think I may just lie down right here and die is expected this afternoon and through at least Wednesday, according to the National Weather Service. Sweaty thighs, sunburned scalps, and dammit, those seats are hot, I should have started the car first are all possible with the hell, I'm just going to go sit in a kiddie pool filled with ice expected throughout the early part of the week. There is a 70 percent chance of seriously, my shirt and hair is soaked, it's so gross, why doesn't the air conditioning in my piece of crap apartment work? Temperatures are expected to drop off to a more moderate listen to the sound of the crunch of my nice brown lawn by Thursday.