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April 6, 2012

Werehipster attacks plague Fourth and Gill neighborhood

A married couple was injured last night when a werehipster followed the family into their Fourth and Gill home and went on the attack, Knoxville police said.

Wes and Kathryn Hubbard suffered injuries to their love for country music, tanning beds and lack of relationship drama, but the wounds weren't considered life-threatening, said neighbor Brandi Fritz. The Hubbards' six-year-old daughter was home at the time but was not involved in the incident, she said.

Fritz, who lives nearby, let her dog out at about 3 a.m. after coming home from a nursing shift, when she heard the animal barking.

"I went to call him in," she said. "That's when everything went to hell."

She said an urban, 30-something lycanthrope first attacked her dog for being a beagle, then went after the Hubbards.

"It was snarling, but in an ironic, aloof sort of way," said Fritz. "And it was guzzling PBR and sneering about corporate culture. I'm just glad they're going to be OK."

This is not the first werehipster attack in the Fourth and Gill neighborhood. Last month, during a full moon, a college student was attacked for renting a non-independent film from a Redbox. In January, a high school student was scolded for not using a Mac.

Gill Avenue resident Calvin Smalt says his friend Mike Foster may be responsible.

"Mike and I were hanging out last night and then all of a sudden he starts to twitch," said Smalt. "Then he starts to grow this crazy beard and out of nowhere he's wearing Buddy Holly glasses and skinny jeans. And he's got a messenger bag. That's when I got the hell out of there as fast as I could, before he started talking about jazz LPs and Portland."

Werehipsters are believed to appear only during the full moon phase of the lunar cycle. According to folklore, werehipsters can display superhuman sarcasm and pretentiousness.

Though highly resistant to most forms of injury, the werehipster can be killed by being shot in the heart with a silver top 40 album not approved by Pitchfork.

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