April 2012 Archives

April 29, 2012

Man responding 'maybe' to Facebook event not fooling anybody

An Athens man who responded "maybe" to attending Kelli's Second Sweet Sixteen Birthday Bash isn't fooling anyone. Kelli McLemore, 31, knows good and well that John Depew has no intention of going to her party because he always says maybe to everything and then doesn't show up and like this time is going to be any different. Seriously. "The jig is up for John Depew," said social media expert Alyssa Adams. "We've been studying the yes, no, maybe Facebook event situation for quite some time now. Maybe is the new no. There is no way in hell that John will be joining Kelli and friends for a casual, fun evening of hanging out and catching up, and he will not be bringing his own beer or a snack. We know it. He knows it. The host knows it. Good God, just say no and be done with it."

April 27, 2012

Pigeon Forge unveils new Sitting in Traffic attraction

Visitors to Pigeon Forge who enjoy the dazzle of Dollywood, the Dixie Stampede, the Titanic Museum Attraction and other exciting hotbeds of sightseeing will soon be lining up for the tourist resort city's latest. This summer Pigeon Forge will reveal its thrilling new Sitting in Traffic attraction, the first of its kind in the United States.

The new coaster's innovative design will allow riders to experience the murderous rage of sitting in one's car while breathing copious amounts of carbon dioxide and honking one's horn to no avail while small children scream in the backseat and throw their toy dinosaurs while begging for ice cream.

Riders will also enjoy the coaster's patented "the other lane looks faster so I think I'll get over" feature, a cutting edge piece of technology designed to lure passengers into the slow lane.

"Sitting in Traffic is a feast for the senses," said Jason Loveday, who owns and operates the attraction. "Riders will sit in their own vehicles as their sweaty underpants cling uncomfortably to their skin. They will experience the wonder of the looming presence of the need for a bathroom. They'll marvel at the crisp sun beating down on them and radiating off the concrete. They'll gasp as people cut them off and as the bass of the music on a nearby car causes their fillings to vibrate in their very mouths."

Perched on the Pigeon Forge Parkway, Sitting in Traffic stretches for miles of bumper to bumper drudgery. Riders experience the sensation of the very torments of hell itself as they zip past commercial eyesore after commercial eyesore at top speeds of one mile per day.

"Sitting in Traffic is a welcome addition to Pigeon Forge's world class lineup of shopping, restaurants and family-oriented fun," said Loveday. "From outlet malls and indoor skydiving to seething anger over the idiotic bumper sticker that fool of a woman who should learn to use her turn signal has, this great city has something for everyone."

April 26, 2012

Study: two in five East Tennessee teens will experiment with 'Breaking Dawn'

A stunning number of East Tennessee teenagers -- nearly two in five -- will see "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2" when it hits theaters on Nov. 16, a new University of Tennessee study has found. Some experts are urging teenagers not to see the movie because it will be a dreadful two hours that they will never get back. They warn that seeing the film could cause problems as they try to develop good taste later in life. "Our hope is we can encourage young people to use good judgment," said the study's senior author Dr. Jenna Yucel. "Teenagers think they're invincible. They live for the moment. They don't realize that choices like this one could set them on a course for watching crappy movies for the rest of their lives. Just say no to sparkly, lovelorn vampires."

April 24, 2012

Area moms eager to judge each other at new splash pad

Knoxville moms say they are excited to harshly criticize the parenting styles of other Knoxville moms at a 5,000 square foot splash pad being constructed at the Knoxville Zoo. The water play area began construction last month. It will be the largest in the Knoxville area and is expected to debut in late spring. The safari-themed attraction will allow area children of all ages the opportunity to cool off while their parents whisper about how that woman over there, she's breastfeeding, oh my God, that kid has to be three. "We're very excited to share this experience with East Tennessee families," said Julie Martin, executive director of Knoxville Zoo. "Where else will parents be able to watch their kids enjoy being splashed by life-sized giraffes while they quietly ask how anyone can co-sleep and not have their children taken away from them?"

April 22, 2012

Mulch fire extinguished after Gloria Ray charges it $400,000

A large mulch fire that erupted at a city-contracted yard waste processing facility was extinguished today after officials called in former President and CEO of Knoxville Tourism and Sports Corp Gloria Ray. Ray acted quickly by charging the week-old blaze a performance bonus of $400,000. Unable to make the payment, the blaze went out. "She claims that she helped to promote and organize me and that she should be compensated for my economic impact," said the former raging inferno. "That's ridiculous. I started on my own through the process of oxidation. All you need for making me is combustible material, an oxygen-rich compound and a source of heat. She didn't do any of that. I'm taking my mixture of reacting gases and uncombusted carbon particles elsewhere."

April 20, 2012

Y-12 unveils first nuclear powered car

OAK RIDGE - Y-12 National Security Complex unveiled its new nuclear powered car today. The vehicle is called the Quark, with a connotation of an elementary particle and a fundamental constituent of matter.

The Quark has a 5,000-mile cruising range. The car is powered by a specialized nuclear reactor located in the rear of the vehicle. The Quark has a top speed of only three mile per hour due to the extremely thick 1,000 ton metal casing that protects the reactor.

"Out of the gate these cars are unfortunately going to turn everyone on the road into my grandmother," said Duncan Majors, Y-12's Director of Vehicular Technology. "But on the flipside, the slow top speed will make the Quark extremely safe. And you're going to want to take these babies slowly. You don't want to crash or overheat this car. If you do either of those things, you're probably going to have a very bad day."

The Quark is sized somewhere between an M113 armored personnel carrier and an M1 Abrams battle tank. Majors describes it as "a real car with room for five." The vehicle features a five-door hatchback design and will also glow in the dark "just for funsies," said Majors.

The Quark will be both sold and leased to customers beginning in late 2015. Pricing is not yet available, though Majors said it will be "comparable to a small aircraft with no price premiums." The vehicles will be manufactured in Oak Ridge, finally giving the city's teenagers something to do besides hanging out at Big Ed's all day.

"Our strategy is all about zero emissions," said Majors. "Safety is obviously a concern, but it's a tradeoff. We can have a lower carbon footprint. Or we can have an occasional nuclear meltdown and explosion. Those are pretty rate though. Hopefully that will only happen to the cars we sell to Canadians."

"This is a gradual process," added Majors. "Are these cars going to save the planet? No. Ultimately we're implementing small superficial changes that make us feel better about ourselves without actually impacting the environment in a meaningful way. I guess we could all stop driving. Ha ha ha ha ha, no seriously, we'll figure something out."

April 19, 2012

Yoga pants a slippery slope for students, university officials say

While invoking the memory of photos of Tennesseans that have been uploaded to the People of Wal-Mart website, University of Tennessee President Joe DiPietro warned students not to let casual dress for morning classes turn into something bigger. "Now that the weather is warmer and the semester is almost over, we have to be extreme careful," DiPietro said. "Many students will be tempted to hit the snooze button and throw on a pair of yoga pants. But we've got to be very cautious about how we engage. One day its yoga pants and exposed bra straps, the next thing you know you're wearing bunny slippers and pajamas at the grocery store at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning because it's more comfortable. I worry that with the best of intentions our students may somehow get engaged in a commitment that they can't easily get out of."

April 17, 2012

Vestal man fights government tyranny by visiting unlicensed surgeon

A South Knoxville man protested today what he calls the overreach of ineffective big government by choosing to have a surgical procedure performed by an unlicensed medical doctor. Cletus Musselman, 45, called government regulation of health practitioners a flagrant violation of the state's powers. Instead Musselman had his cousin Beauford Williams remove his gallbladder with a rusty jigsaw. "America has toiled under the oppressive yoke of medical licensing boards for far too long," said a heated Musselman. "This tyranny shall not stand! Now I have sepsis, just like the founding fathers would have wanted. This is what freedom looks like. At least I think it is. I can't really see anything out of my left eye since my brother treated it with battery acid." Williams agreed. "I'm here to say, 'Don't tread on me.' And if you do, treat my injuries with a clumsy, ineffective mixture of duct tape, sawdust, leaches and paper towels. We are ready to die for freedom, probably much sooner than is actually necessary."

April 15, 2012

Tennessee book burnings down 15 percent since introduction of Kindle Touch

The Volunteer State has seen a 15.5 percent decline in the number of books that have been burned since the Kindle Touch was introduced in late 2011. The National Book Burning Service says a total of only 23,400 books have been burned so far in 2012, compared with 27,000 by this time the year before. The state's peak book burning season has gotten off to a slow start because of many readers who have switched from printed books to touch screen e-book readers. "It's just harder to burn a Kindle," said Tennessee Deputy Director of Tome Torching Terry Whitman. "And pricey. Books are considerably cheaper. And they're very flammable. Unless you have a tremendous amount of heat, Kindles mostly just make a lot of smoke. But those Harry Potter books burst right into flames."

April 13, 2012

Tennessee lawmakers consider ban on short-sleeve shirts with polyester ties

State lawmakers today took up a measure which allowed them to debate dress codes for state lawmakers - including the proper dress for middle-aged and old man state Senators and Representatives.

Memphis Democrat Joe Towns has tried for several years to make it against the law for state lawmakers to wear short sleeve poly-cotton blended shirts and polyester ties.

His current bill came up in the House Dress Code Subcommittee, where it received bi-partisan support from lawmakers. Knoxville Republican Bill Dunn expressed his shock at the way male lawmakers dress.

"Having several male colleagues who debate and craft state laws, it's pretty shocking to me to go into a legislative session and see bland old men walking around in April in God-awful ties and short-sleeve shirts," said Dunn. "We look absolutely ridiculous. We're the reason someone invented the word milquetoast."

The law would seek to prohibit lawmakers from wearing "cheap-looking outfits that disrupt the lawmaking environment." It would also prohibit lawmakers from wearing black socks with brown shoes and would forbid the use of pastel ties. Lawmakers would further be banned from wearing horrendous undergarments under a No Whitey Tighties No Granny Panties Clause.

The House is scheduled to vote on the legislation Monday. A companion bill is moving swiftly through the Senate.

"If we're going to ironically complain about big government while simultaneously making laws about inconsequential issues, let's at least do it while wearing linen or silk, by God," said Rep. Richard Montgomery, a Sevierville Republican. "And maybe some boxer shorts. What is this, the House of Old, Cheaply Dressed Lords?"

Rep. Joe Armstrong, a Democrat, agreed.

"What this law does is, it requires lawmakers to provide a provision in our discipline code that prohibits us from wearing clothing that would be featured on 'What Not To Wear.' No more white undershirts with sweat stains for us. From now on we'll clip our nose hair and wax the tops of our ears like the founding fathers would have wanted.

According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, Arkansas and Florida are currently the only other states that target lawmakers for looking like their grandmothers dressed them.

April 12, 2012

Region's lawn farmers see bountiful crop this year

After a particularly weak 2011, East Tennessee lawn farmers are predicting a bountiful crop this year as the spring harvesting season gets under way. "It looks like a really good crop this year," said Todd Lingerfelt, co-owner of Lingerfelt's Lawn Farm in West Hills. "This season what we are seeing so far is a lush carpet of verdant, emerald grasses trimmed to pristine perfection. We've had a lot of rain this year, which coupled with frequent mowing and diligent weeding should make for an attractive yield." The productive crop comes as a welcome reprieve for East Tennessee lawn farmers, who produced their ugliest, yellowist yield of crab grasses in five years in 2011, according the National Agricultural Statistics Service. Such a low yield resulted in sad-faced farmers pouting and wondering how Henry over on Manderly Way managed to get his front yard looking like that.

April 10, 2012

Ex-wives of Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh form women's basketball team

The collective former spouses of Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh announced today that they will be forming a women's basketball team. Known as the Nashville Wives, the collective will be an expansion team of the Women's National Basketball Association. The Wives will be the seventh team in the WNBA's Eastern Conference. A seventh team is expected to join the Western Conference in Las Vegas. "We don't have quite enough people for a softball team yet," said Marianne Gingrich, who was Newt Gingrich's second wife. "But we do have five, which is sufficient for basketball. One more person would be nice, in case someone gets in foul trouble. But this will have to do for now. I'm sure we'll add a few more teammates eventually, maybe even before the new season starts."

April 8, 2012

Emileigh and Alisha ignore Kira since Emileigh found out Kira told Kayla Alisha hates Derek even though she knows Kayla's boyfriend and Derek are best friends

OAK RIDGE - According to sources close to 16-year-old Emileigh Harris, she is for realz ignoring that skank Kira Bull ever since she heard about how Kira blabbed to Kayla Hammond some totes ridic crap about how Alisha totally hates Derek Grubb now. But that's like so stupid because everyone knows that Derek and Kayla's boyfriend Cody Logsdon are besties. They are so bromantic, you know what I mean? "BTdubs, I heard Kira slept with that creeper substitute teacher Mr. Vandergriff like the white trash she is," noted the source, who said that you if say anything to anyone she will be so pissed at you and will tell them how you made out with Dylan under the bleachers at the game. "OMG! Vomit. Why does she have to be such a tool?"

April 6, 2012

Werehipster attacks plague Fourth and Gill neighborhood

A married couple was injured last night when a werehipster followed the family into their Fourth and Gill home and went on the attack, Knoxville police said.

Wes and Kathryn Hubbard suffered injuries to their love for country music, tanning beds and lack of relationship drama, but the wounds weren't considered life-threatening, said neighbor Brandi Fritz. The Hubbards' six-year-old daughter was home at the time but was not involved in the incident, she said.

Fritz, who lives nearby, let her dog out at about 3 a.m. after coming home from a nursing shift, when she heard the animal barking.

"I went to call him in," she said. "That's when everything went to hell."

She said an urban, 30-something lycanthrope first attacked her dog for being a beagle, then went after the Hubbards.

"It was snarling, but in an ironic, aloof sort of way," said Fritz. "And it was guzzling PBR and sneering about corporate culture. I'm just glad they're going to be OK."

This is not the first werehipster attack in the Fourth and Gill neighborhood. Last month, during a full moon, a college student was attacked for renting a non-independent film from a Redbox. In January, a high school student was scolded for not using a Mac.

Gill Avenue resident Calvin Smalt says his friend Mike Foster may be responsible.

"Mike and I were hanging out last night and then all of a sudden he starts to twitch," said Smalt. "Then he starts to grow this crazy beard and out of nowhere he's wearing Buddy Holly glasses and skinny jeans. And he's got a messenger bag. That's when I got the hell out of there as fast as I could, before he started talking about jazz LPs and Portland."

Werehipsters are believed to appear only during the full moon phase of the lunar cycle. According to folklore, werehipsters can display superhuman sarcasm and pretentiousness.

Though highly resistant to most forms of injury, the werehipster can be killed by being shot in the heart with a silver top 40 album not approved by Pitchfork.

April 5, 2012

Knoxville man loses weight chasing ice cream truck

An East Knoxville man has ironically lost three pounds chasing the neighborhood ice cream truck. Dennis Kirkpatrick, 35, has spent the better part of a week trying to get to the nomadic frozen desert transporter before it makes its way to the next block. In the process he has lost nearly an inch off his waist. "I'm a big guy," said Kirkpatrick. "It takes me a while to get some pants on and to get out the door when I hear 'Turkey in the Straw' wafting through the house. Every time I think I'm going to get close enough to get some sweet deliciousness that bastard drives off. Now I'm a man on a mission. I'm going to have a Choco Taco even if I have to get healthy doing it."

April 3, 2012

Hail's approval rating falls sharply

Hail's approval rating has fallen sharply, according to a poll of East Tennessee residents released Monday. Just one percent said they approved of the job the solid form of precipitation was doing, down from 13 percent in the same poll taken last April, versus 92 percent who said they disapprove. Hail's approval rating was dragged down by the people who just planted seedlings group, with whom its approval fell 35 percent; those who had their car hoods dented, with whom its approval fell 45 percent; and people who got caught walking the dog without an umbrella, with whom it fell 14 percent. The drop in favorability among people who had their car hoods dented is surprising, as most polls indicate that it is tornadoes that are facing a what-the-hell-happened-to-my-car gap. The numbers indicate that neither atmospheric element has emerged unscathed from the past month's fight over the troposphere.

April 1, 2012

Person in bunny suit may or may not have been store employee

Witnesses aren't sure if the man or woman roaming the aisles of a Knoxville big box store in a large rabbit suit Saturday was a store employee or just a deranged fan of Easter. Shoppers say the human-sized leporid was wearing a bow tie and blue sweater vest. "He might have been one of them store greeters," said Daniel Loy. "It didn't really seem like a friendly rabbit though. The rabbit humanoids I usually meet wave at you when they're official. This one wasn't like that. It was sinister." "It's creepy when you think about it," agreed Hannah Bunce. "Just a silent, mannish white rabbit comparing detergent prices. If it had been holding a chainsaw I definitely would have run away." Shoppers said they haven't been this confused since Cadbury Creme Eggs shrank to the size of M&M's.