East Tennessee scientists baffled by salad containing no mayonnaise

The discovery of a mysterious Morristown vegetable dish consisting of arugula, cherry tomatoes, pine nuts, avocado, goat cheese and olive oil has stumped a group of local researchers. Discovered near Seymour St., the 14-ounce bowl of vegetation was probably produced for the purpose of ingestion in order to provide for the nutritional needs of human mammals. The salad may have been crafted by the Yankee people, who appeared in the southern United States around 150 years ago. "This is really quite fascinating," said research scientist Michael Potter. "Presumably this is a dish that a human being would actually consume. And yet, without mayonnaise, it has no flavor, and there is no way for the ingredients to adhere together. The next thing you know they'll be making chicken and dumplins with noodles. Yankee trash."