November 2011 Archives

November 29, 2011

Newt Gingrich promises he won't divorce nation while she is recovering from cancer in hospital

On a campaign stop in Knoxville yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich promised supporters he won't ask the United States for a lopsided divorce while she is in the hospital recovering from cancer. "I have learned from my past mistakes," the former House speaker told a crowd at a campaign fundraiser. "If I ask the nation for a divorce, I'll at least make sure she's at home with a healthy white blood cell count first." Gingrich also confirmed that he will not cheat on the country at the same time he is trying to have another country impeached for lying about an affair. "Man, I was a real jackass back in the 90s," Gingrich said. "It's hard to believe I'm still around. Thank God voters are so forgetful."

November 27, 2011

California police travel to Knoxville to pepper spray Black Friday shoppers

Four police officers from the University of California, Davis are enjoying a restful Sunday after they spent the early hours of Friday morning pepper spraying shoppers at Turkey Creek. The officers made a special trip from California to East Tennessee to pepper spray shoppers in the face as they waited in line for stores to open. "Once you start pepper spraying people, it's hard to stop," explained UC Davis police officer John Garrison. "We heard the sales at Turkey Creek were pretty good, so we knew what we had to do. You should have seen the bargain hunters thrashing around on the concrete." The previous day the officers visited the Coffey family of West Hills, where Granny Luvina received a generous portion of pepper spray as she served the pumpkin pie. "I can't wait until the next Grammy Awards," said Garrison. "Taylor Swift will not know what hit her."

November 25, 2011

East Tennessee elves participate in Occupy North Pole

THE NORTH POLE - At least 300 East Tennessee elves today joined the thousands of protesters at the North Pole aiming to challenge economic inequality and raise awareness of the growing wealth gap that exists between Santa Claus and his elves.

Occupy North Pole elves gathered in Santa's driveway chanting phrases like "mythological German creatures over toys" before leading a candlelight solidarity march to the reindeer stables.

Oliver Springs elf Celebräin Tinehtelë said she heard about the movement on Twitter and immediately purchased a plane ticket to the arctic.

"It's time magical creatures around the world start to support the North Pole movement," she said. "Elves everywhere are tired of the government bailing out Santa Claus with our tax dollars. Santa Claus may be a big guy, but he is not too big to fail."

The elves and other races of magical creatures have been camped at the North Pole since September in protest.

"I'm an ordinary elf who's tired of a jolly old man exploiting my hard work," said 200-year-old elf Mahtan Telrunya. "This guy uses our labor, takes our toys and gives them away to kids we don't even know. Do you know how many hours a day we have to work to make toys for 50 million children under the age of 12? I haven't slept since April."

Elves aren't the only ones speaking out.

"These elves have virtually no chance to organize because they're up against a plump old man who will do just about anything to keep unions out," said Cynthia Glass, senior researcher on labor rights for Elf Rights Watch. "They should be allowed to form a union. All these elves are asking for is to be paid fairly for their work. And maybe for some eggnog."

Elves like Telrunya say they want a better life for elves who come after them.

"I don't think the average parent has any idea what conditions are like up here. Alcoholism rates have tripled in the last five years. Nearly 70 percent of elves need assistance to buy milk and cookies. This should not be happening at the North Pole. We're better than this."

November 24, 2011

Area children unwrap turkey and stuffing left under tree by pilgrims

When eight-year-old Aidan Powers raced downstairs to open presents early this morning, he was hoping the pilgrims had left him colorfully-wrapped packages filled with cranberries, turkey and stuffing. He was not disappointed. Powers is among thousands of East Tennessee children who celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday marked by the giving of delicious, hand-wrapped culinary delights. According to folklore, on Thanksgiving Eve American children are visited by rosy-cheeked, jelly-bellied settlers of Plymouth, who fly from house to house in a sleigh pulled by Macy's parade floats. The pilgrims enter a home by coming down the chimney. They leave pumpkin pie, candied yams and other delicious foodstuff for well-behaved children. Children who end up on the pilgrims' naughty list have to listen to their aunts and uncles complain about taxes, illegal immigration and "Obamacare."

November 22, 2011

Knoxville to increase support for air pollution

City officials say they will increase support for the thick, noxious soup of airborne toxins that passes for air in East Tennessee. The city, in conjunction with TVA, has promised to build several new coal-fired power plants and to boost the number of trucks sitting in traffic nearly 10-fold. The renewed commitment to bad ozone days comes after Knoxville was ranked one of America's 20 Dirtiest Cities by the website of Forbes magazine. Metropolitan Knoxville came in 15th on the list. "We've been doing very well," wheezed director of Knoxville air pollution management Steve Archer. "We currently have worse air than Houston, proving once and for all that some things are bigger in Tennessee than Texas. And we're beating those Washington fat cats and their hot air. Right now we have our sights set on New York City, which is ranked 14th. Big Apple, you're about to meet Big Orange." Archer is confident Knoxville can make the top 10 next year. "Alabama may be able to beat us in football, but we will draw the line at particulate pollution rank. We are confident that we can boost asthma and lung cancer in East Tennessee significantly in the coming years. We hope to have a national championship inside a decade."

November 20, 2011

Clinton man has strong opinions about when Amy Grant sold out

According to 59-year-old Paul Cox, it's been 26 years since Christian music superstar Amy Grant sold out. Grant will appear alongside Michael W. Smith at the Tennessee Theatre on Nov. 20 as part of the "Two Friends Tour." For Cox, it will be a night of soulless depravity that could usher in the apocalypse. "I don't condemn anyone," said Cox, moments before launching into an impenetrable diatribe about the demonic nature of Grant's music and how the GRAMMY Award winning songstress probably sold her soul to the devil in the latter half of 1985. "The Illumanati loves to hide in plain sight, just like a chameleon," he said. "The devil is doing everything he can to corrupt what's left of America." Cox went on to connect Grant to illegal immigration and increases in teen pregnancy rates before reporters slowly backed away in terror. As near as anyone can tell, Cox stopped taking his meds in 1984.

November 18, 2011

Fountain City turkeys arrested over grocery store arson attack

Three large birds in the genus Meleagris pleaded not guilty on Thursday to federal arson and hate crime charges stemming from a fire they are accused of setting at a North Knoxville grocery store last year.

The FBI revealed in court documents that the three wild turkeys fell under suspicion within hours of the Nov. 30 fire, which was set just days after a high profile national feast day centered around the consumption of Galliformes.

Federal officials have said the arson attack may have been perpetrated as retribution for the alleged Thanksgiving holiday.

The birds were arrested without incident on Wednesday after a federal grand jury indicted them on charges of arson and damaging grocery store property.

The two-page indictment of the birds said the turkeys, who lived near the grocery store, set the fire "because of the eating habits of individuals associated with that property."

"Burning a grocery store because of hatred toward eaters of succulent bird meat is not just an attack on meat eaters, it is an attack on the core American values we hold dear," Assistant U.S. Attorney General Thomas Perez said in a statement announcing the indictment, which was returned on Wednesday.

If convicted, the birds face sentences of between 15 and 30 years in prison. The birds pleaded not guilty during an arraignment on Thursday. Trial has been set for January.

According to an FBI affidavit in the case, the turkeys had another brush with the law in last October, in which they ranted furiously at police and called themselves "bird warriors." One week later, one of the birds was hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation after a disturbance in which it waved a loaded gun at a man dressed like a pilgrim for Halloween.

The fire at the grocery store last November was confined to the meat department and no one was hurt.

"I think the birds had been hanging out with those ducks in Fountain City," said FBI spokesperson Rebecca Hefley. "Is there nothing those damn mallards won't poison?"

November 17, 2011

'I can't wait to be back in Riceville' uttered for first time in human history

For the first time since city states developed in fertile river valleys some 6,000 years ago, a human being has spoken aloud of her passion for the small East Tennessee community of Riceville. At 2:37 p.m. Wednesday, Carson-Newman College freshman Alexis Reynolds reportedly spoke the words "I can't wait to be back in Riceville" to her friend Brianna Tipton. Scholars immediately knew history had been made. "I never thought this day would come," said University of Tennessee history professor Barbara Curtis. "I still don't know why it did. As a historian, there has never been a more exciting time to be alive." The unincorporated community of Riceville is located approximately seven miles southwest of Athens in McMinn County. Riceville is so tiny that its Wikipedia entry consists of only two sentences. Nothing remarkable has happened there since 1987, when ol' Cooter Webb got bored and shot out all four tires on his own Toyota Celica.

November 15, 2011

Duggars announce family will start football team

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, stars of the "19 Kids and Counting" series on TLC, announced today that they will finally be forming a family football team. The news comes just days after the Duggars announced they are expecting their 20th child. "We've been waiting until we were a family of 22, and now we've hit the magic number," said team quarterback Jim Bob Duggar. "Now we have all the positions. This is an exciting day for our family." The Duggars say they know it will take some time to hone their team, given that their youngest children have not yet developed motor skills. But they are ready to take on the competition. "There are a lot of opportunities here," said Duggar. "No one will expect a tailback in an ankle length skirt."

November 13, 2011

God confirms He did not ask Herman Cain to run for president

HEAVEN -- The Almighty Creator of the Heavens and the Earth said today that He most certainly did not ask Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain to run for president. The infinite and all-knowing deity's remarks were in response to the Georgia business executive's comments Saturday that God had convinced him to enter the race for president. "I think he misheard me," said the Lord of Hosts. "What I said was, 'Herman, do not run for president. Please, I'm begging you. You are nothing like Moses.'" God went on to say that He is getting a little tired of presidential candidates claiming to speak for Him. "Go love your neighbor as yourself," said the Most High. "Stop running for office. You are all really starting to get on my nerves. Do not make me send a plague of locusts down there. I'll do it."

November 11, 2011

Vols football team replaced by Maryville High School football team

The University of Tennessee announced today that it has fired the entire Vols college football team and replaced it with the 11-0 Maryville Rebels high school football team.

The move comes on the heels of Tennessee's 24-0 victory Saturday over Middle Tennessee State University. The much needed win ended the Vols' four-game losing streak and now they need only to win two of their remaining three games for a .500 season. But for many fans, the win was simply too little too late.

The state of affairs led the Vols to be completely replaced by a team of high schoolers that are better than they are.

"There's no easy way to say this," said Tim Rasmussen, Tennessee's Chancellor of Not Losing at Sports and Sports-Type Things. "Maryville is really good. The Vols...Well, let's just say that Maryville is really good. We think they will do much better. We anticipate that they will bring us a road victory against Arkansas tomorrow."

The Maryville Rebels have a reputation for being really awesome at football and stuff. Last Friday the team won its playoff game against the Bearden Bulldogs by a score of 35-0. The team is ranked No. 53 in the nation by MaxPreps and ranked by AP as No. 1 in Tennessee's 6A division. The Rebels also enjoyed an unprecedented 74-0 winning streak until 2008, when it lost to Hillsboro High School in a state championship game. Maryville won the 6A state championship last year.

The Vols, in contrast, have yet to win a game this season against a Southeastern Conference team. Also, the team's mama is so fat when she fell in love she broke it.

Tennessee considered other options, including the reinstatement of its former coach Lane Kiffin. But the university's administration feared the villagers would take up pitchforks and torches and act all crazy about that. Instead the Maryville High School team was hired.

"The Vols have tried everything," said Tennessee Director of Novelty Pants Craig Danforth. "But not even Derek Dooley's orange pants have been able to turn this season around. We were left with no choice here."

November 10, 2011

East Tennessee braces for 11/11/11 ones shortage

As clocks race toward 11:11:11 a.m. on 11/11/11, local officials are bracing for severe shortages of the unit of counting representing a single entity. Outgoing mayor Daniel Brown has asked that Knoxville school teachers refrain from using the number Friday, and that priority be given to Facebook and Twitter users who will need the positive integer for emergency tweets and status updates. "This is the biggest test I have faced since becoming mayor, but I'm up for the challenge," said Brown. "Sometimes there are only so many resources to go around, but I'm confident that we can work together as a city to get through this. One will not be the loneliest number on my watch." Brown was also quick to point out that he will finally get to use the word "palindrome" in conversation without it seeming forced.

November 8, 2011

Poll: Is Knoxville ready for a male mayor?

As voters decide whether Madeline Rogero or Mark Padgett will be Knoxville's 68th mayor, nearly 70 percent of the city's voters say they are ready for a male mayor, a new poll shows. Sixty-eight percent of Knoxvillians say the city is ready - up five points from April and 13 points from December. Eight years ago, only 38 percent of those polled said the city was ready for a male mayor. Nearly two in three registered voters - 64 percent - say that most people they know would vote for a male mayor. But roughly one in four believe that most of the people they know would not. Republicans (at 66 percent) are slightly more likely than Democrats (at 60 percent) to say most people they know would vote for a male candidate.

November 6, 2011

Knoxville family already in line for Black Friday

Anticipating the hottest and best Black Friday deals they can't find anywhere else, one local family has been lined up at Turkey Creek for the day after Thanksgiving since early July. "Last year we waited until August to get in line," said Stephanie Masters, 35, who has set up a makeshift camp in the West Knoxville shopping district with her husband David. "We thought that with school starting, that would thin the crowds out. That was a big mistake. This year we got here right after the Fourth of July. We packed rations to last us through the summer and fall, so I think we're going to make it. It sucks eating Thanksgiving dinner on the sidewalk, but our kids really want a new LG Infinia Smart TV. I hope they don't grow up too much while we're in line."

November 4, 2011

Local mother pleads guilty to embezzling candy from trick-or-treat bags

An Oak Ridge woman pleaded guilty Thursday to embezzling over seven pounds of sweet, delicious candy from three children living at 637 Dewey Rd.

Kelli Garlington, 34, appeared in federal court yesterday morning, where she also pleaded guilty to one count of candy laundering in connection with the embezzlement.

Garlington is to be sentenced on March 19.

The government alleged that Garlington stole hundreds of individually-wrapped pieces of candy in the two days following Halloween, devouring miniature Kit Kat and Butterfinger bars, assorted flavors of Starburst and tiny symphonies of crackling Pop Rocks.

Similar thefts are believed to have occurred over the past nine years in the days after the Garlington children were taken trick-or-treating.

Garlington concealed her thievery by discarding empty candy wrappers in between the cushions of the family couch and by burying them underneath the trash at the top of the kitchen garbage can. Uneaten candy was hidden in Garlington's sock drawer and in her purse. A confectionery audit by the trio of suspicious children finally revealed the extent of their mother's candy kleptomania.

In addition to her guilty plea, Garlington must return what remains of the stolen candy, especially the Tootsie Rolls, the Sour Patch Kids and the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. But not those nasty orange and black peanut butter candies that no one likes. Or the Smarties. She can keep that nasty crap.

"It's a sad day when a mother slowly siphons away candy from her own flesh and blood," said Senior U.S. District Judge Rita Whitt at the hearing. "Oh, I think we've all snuck a piece or two here and there when the kids weren't looking. Young children are very easy to distract. But the extent of the theft here should trouble any free society."

The feds have also confiscated several pieces of Halloween-related paraphernalia from Garlington, including a trick-or-treat bag, several pieces of Now and Later candy unlikely to be consumed by any discerning human, as well as a slutty black cat costume.

November 3, 2011

Knoxville strippers oppose switch to dollar coins

When push comes to shove, East Tennessee's professional exotic dancers still prefer crisp bills to shiny coins. Despite recent legislation introduced by Arizona House Republican David Schweikert to replace the paper dollar with a coin, it seems that most strippers in the Knoxville metropolitan area are happy with the American currency system the way it is. A recent poll by an intoxicated gentlemen's club patron named Larry found that 95 percent of Knoxville strippers prefer keeping the paper dollar bill over a switch to an alternative metal coin. "I work for tips," said local dancer Bambi Delmar. "It's awkward enough to have someone put a dollar in my garter. Switching from dollar bills to dollar coins doesn't seem feasible. Where would I even put coins? I don't see management introducing clothing with pockets. And jingling just isn't very sexy."

November 1, 2011

City of Knoxville eager to destroy childhood homes of more famous writers

City officials announced today a strategic 20-year plan to identify and raze the homes of as many promising Knoxville writers as possible. The move comes just weeks after Metro Pulse columnist Jack Neely spoke to C-SPAN about Knoxville's literary history. "Knoxville has a rich literary heritage that we are eager to destroy as soon as possible," said a source close to the Metropolitan Planning Commission. "We have successfully failed to protect the childhood homes of James Agee, Nikki Giovanni and Cormac McCarthy. We are hopeful that there will be other literary giants in the coming years whose homes we can bulldoze, burn, or otherwise destroy. In the meantime, we will focus on demolishing historic portions of downtown and Fort Sanders. We could use a few more strip malls and parking lots in those portions of the city."

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